A year ago my now 17 years old daughter brought me a plate of information that contributed to the birth of this new baby, a peace of me a part of you.
9 traits categorized her into what the mental health world calls a Borderline personality disorder.
When a lot of you may say “oh boy that’s freaky”, when I heard my daughter joyfully articulate the words “Mom guess what ??? I have Borderline personality disorder” I joined in her joy and felt a sense of relief. I sat down next to her on her bed sharing her excitement. As I listened to her reading the nine traits of BPD what came to my mind that precise moment, was liberation from a fear that had accumulated in me every time a crisis got absolutely out of control. Oh my goodness!!!!! my daughter is not permanently stoke in being the poison she spits out of her mouth. This beautiful child I gave birth to, is not the damages she is doing to herself and the ppl she loves around her. My daughter is good by nature like everyone else. As well as being a beautiful good nature being she is also not possessed by demons, not a drug or love addict, nor permanently stoke in deadly cycles of anorexia, nor all the other disorder that showed up these last 4 years. She only has BPD I thought.
At the time I was taping into a new program which is an inner-work healing approach that fascinates me still today. IFS Internal Family System, which consist in getting to know pieces of me within, that have been left behind, neglected and still today seem to scream for my loving attention.
I looked at what the creator of the IFS program could think about BPD or deal with healing BPD. After reading a long and insightful article on his IFS site, I realized that my daughter isn’t a full blown BPD being. This means that she does not have to be permanently labelled and become entirely identified with the disorder. It also means that with, her willingness to heal, her efforts in learning something new, and her strength in pursuing her healthy goals, she could make peace with the BPD part of herself and move on to shine her beauty. Using this new label as her forever identity, could hide other significant parts in her, which this life time, might have given her the opportunity to get to know all of her parts and make peace with them, if necessary.
I also realized, that myself and everyone else, has just like my daughter, a part in them that could be borderline. All it would take for the part to stand out more, and be in charge of living our lives, more than any other parts, is a trigger.
A trigger by a life event.
After an endless and unsuccessful number of attempt to get my child the care she needed (therapies medications hospitalizations) to help her stay alive and get her through each day, without destroying her life and others around her, I was told that the USA is not interested in investing time, energy, money, to find an appropriate treatment program for BPD. A patient with BPD in the US would personally, need to find a strength within to have a wiliness to heal, to have a stronger desire to live rather than die and the motivation to themselves find a program suited for different addiction or mental health as a starting point in their recovery from destruction to life. I also find out that the DBT program from Marsha Lyneham is the closest to a recovery a DBT may get in the US.
This summer 2019 I went to NY to a 3 full day seminar on BPD, covering an 8 weeks course to discover that if I was still hoping to have a relationship with my daughter I would have to learn to speak a new language. A language that can make a true and trusting connection and relationship with someone who is Borderline. This language is a brand new way to communicate and very different from what I have learned so far. Since I learned to talk as a child my way to communicate was based on what others could do for me or what I could do for someone so that my life looked like an accomplishment. In that order I would connect with others to know what is going on inside my head or my body and my inner world to know how I can meet my needs or others. So far it has been a desisater. Instead of knowing what I feels in any given situation and listen to those feelings telling me what they need what I need I would expect my relationships to figure that out for me. This old approach looked as if others were responsible for how I was feeling and my expectations of them knowing and fulfilling my needs were sky high. I was disconnected with myself. I was disconnected with others in a real way. This new language that I was urged to learn is centered in reconnecting with how I feel and what is alive in me in any given moment. This way I anderstand better what I can do for me so my life is fulfilled. This way I can connect with anyone who is also successful or not in connecting with their emotions and feelings. I also no longer feel responsible for meeting other ppl s need and fixing how ppl feel. This approach is also great in supporting anyone who has a reoccurring tendency to be emotionally dysregulated in a relationship, to feel accepted, heard, and understood.
I was told that Dialectical behavioural therapy or DBT would be exactly what I needed to help me learn this new loving language. I then bought the DBT workbook from Marsha Lyneham and when I saw the size of this book and realized that it would take me atleast a whole year to learn and to start speaking this language. Really????? I thought “no” I need to have access to that language now. My daughter isn’t going to wait a whole year before I can have a better communication with her. So I went online and look at different communication workshop and what I find was NVC non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I watched a few very helpful and inspiring videos that Marshall Rosenberg filmed and had placed on YouTube. I also devoured his book and 2 other NVC books in French my native language. I absolutely love it. It quick effective to the point but boy do I need to practice to make it my everyday new language….