Is it almost normal to love you and to have a relationship with you at a distance away from feeling anything just like it was with my mother and my sister?

We have not spoken for 3 months and tomorrow the court will end this healing silence between you and I. Healing for me perhaps, for you a punishment that may break our relationship further apart, I am not sure.

If you ask me “are you happy to have the ‘no contact court order’ finally removed?” I will say “a part of me feels happy and relieve and a part of me is so scared and wants to run away like it has always done.”

Why run away. I have only learned to love the closest ppl in my life through a deadly avoiding silence which would at time become so painful that only a conflict could break it…..

I had learned to love my sister at a distance as my parents had impose this unspoken rule in me supposingly to protect me from pain they felt each time they visited and saw her at the hospice for the first 8 years her life. My sister was moved into a further away hospice at 8 and she passed at 16.

My father had trouble protecting his family from his mental illness. He had however no difficulties protecting me from the outside world. The way he made sure I wasn’t going to be in danger from the pain of the world the pain he felt from seeing my sister so Ill was by isolating me and keeping me away from her.

My sister was placed in a special home just before I was born and her heart finally gave in and stopped biting a little after my 14th birthday. I have never seen my sister with my eyes only with ears and through my parent’s broken hearts. I had learned to love her from a distance.

My sister was a painful silence that became a secret in our home and our entire family. She was the only tears my father had and she was the deepest wound a parent has to endure. Perhaps a phantom love for me who tortured my parents to death. Was she my revenge for them being so neglectful and emotional dead with me?