My 17 years old had convinced herself then manipulated everyone close by to accept and go along with what she has convinced herself about. I am all grown up now,  I am 17 moving on to 18, I do what I want, when I want, and there is not damn thing anybody can do to stop me even when what I do is damaging, I am in charge….. I am in control of this grown  up fase I am going through. While maintaining this attitude she manages to also convince me that staying home while going through college is a must and also is not matching up with her loud cry for independence in fact it is telling something quite the opposite.  I am not ready to face this world just yet. Please continue taking care of my primary needs as I can not give this to myself just yet. I am not ready to face the world as I am right now.  I am not ready to be taking these necessary steps that shows that I have reached a level of maturity where I am safe and able to give myself and my surrounding the level of care I need to be stable and healthy.

It s interesting to discover how the teen brain works. The need for an adult appearance is pretty big. I smoke like an adult I drink and take drugs, go out partying like adults do. I drive, I go to bed when ever I want I eat what I want when I feel like. I see who ever I want when I want too. Breaking all the parental structures that comes with a routine and some control over what gets done when with whom.

The appeareance of being an adult does not include being an adult and all the responsibilities that goes along with that.

Looking back at my own process of becoming an adult, my age, turning 18 was all I had to prove to anyone and myself that I was an adult. I did not even look 18 bout only 16. I had no choice at the time but to leave my parent’s place who did not feel like home to me at all I left prematurely at the age of 15 and looking back was absolutely not an option. It wasn’t safe for me to stay home with my parents and their illness. I did not stop debate with myself for even one second and ask am I ready for this. Am I ready to face this full on, intense way of life that was ahead of me. Of course I was not. Independence was only a word I fantasized about for so long and my only access to this idea was attached to a age. Not in a least was I as able to take care of myself to know how to look for a job, make a living, getting my way around finding a place to live and how about relationships and all the other responsibilities that comes with it.   I still needed parents to show me how but not my own and that s how I got into my first relationship.