These last days have been hard as I am waiting ever so patiently  for my aunt to call me and let me know about my mother’s final tests results after ending her last chemo therapy treatment two weeks ago. My aunt isn’t calling me back and yes her excuse for not calling me back is that her husband has been admitted to hospital as his health is degrading.  But is she not calling me because she is keeping a bad news from me? The suspense is killing me. My uncle’s lungs have been damaged by the flour he has been breathing in for years, being a French baker. Only 5years ago after a heart attack it was brought to his attention that he had to stay away from doing one of the only a amazing thing he has ever done his whole life the art of French bakery. Yes French bakery is an art and I am fascinated by it. The bakery had to let him go and he had to let the bakery go heart breaking of course.  My aunt who lost her mother, (my grand mother), a month ago seems, overwhelmed which is to be expected but she likes to hide it and gives me this “I am strong” impression . Even though when she talks to me she like to give me that zen attitude, this impression that she has absolutely everything under control and life is good, peace love keep on smiling, keep going, and stop winning. Some deffects of how this is all affecting her, bleed through and shows up as an unreliablelity. Saying  I will call you right back, after I called and texted her “I tried calling you” and never calls back.

My grand mother and my aunt B are the only two members in my dad’s family who’s ever made efforts to call me and showed interest in how my life is turning out, and I do appreciate and respect that.

Today I am pissed that my aunt is not keeping to her word and call me like she promised she would right after this important appointment between my mother and her cancer Doctor to me know wether my mother was cured from ovarian cancer or not. Is it time for me to think about options on how I want to say goodbye to my mother traveling to France and so on.

My aunt’s habitual lack of healthy communication with me, what ever amazing excuse she has, makes me furious inside. Instead of visiting and facing this anger I am terrified of and comforting the part of me who is once again feeling left out and disrespected by her loved ones, I want to push her away. Pushing her away abandoning her is one skilled I mastered and my greatest teachers have been my mother my father and my brother.  With the help of this intensity of the rage stored in me I could turn that energy into a tornado and have her gone her from my life.  As if my life was a drawing and everything I had created in that drawing could simply disappear with an eraser by my doing. Once she was no longer in the picture the rage and feelings of being disrespected would vanish with her, I would love to believe, but is it really how it works? Blocking her for her to have no access to me via watts app is a huge temptation right now. So I muted her and I told myself let her go let your dad’s family go and move on, really….is it that simple? I don’t thing so.

As I am writing these words a light appears on my phone. I check my messages and I see 3 lines from my aunt saying ” don’t worry. I am at work. Talk soon.” These words brings some comfort, however I am still in the unknown about my mother. Letting me know what ever outcome about my mother s sickness could also be for my aunt, too heavy of a responsibility to tell me at this point. These lenses of “everyone I love in my life lets me down” are covering all that I really need to see. I really need to see that my aunt’s intentions towards me are of one who loves me and want to protect my little girl the little girl she knows.  The last thing she wants to do is break my heart. So somehow I have to guess that my mother has reached the end of her journey on earth in my life. Sitting down and realizing the impermanence of my mother’s life on eath is definitely something I can not by pass. Letting go of the lenses instead of reacting and erasing the characters in my life,  has taught me over and over an amazing lesson that I still forget and need patience with myself to remember. Letting go all together is an art that has helped me realize that my stored and unresolved intense emotions and the people in my life who walk me to those emotions have to be seen separately instead of one experience to use to blame, so my rage no longer belongs to me but to the people who triggers it.