Here is a very common and popular pattern I was accustomed to for so long and also blind about and  that I have used for quite a long time unconsciously with my closest relationships.

My daughter or my husband have a little habit to press that one spots in my mind labeled as “please react” or “please give me some of your passionate negative firery attention”. This spot pressing games wasn’t invented by them, you I fired my mother and my brother from this responsibility and I gave it to my husband and my daughter. So once that spot is touched just by doing or saying something I disapprove of, my reaction is to shut down, as I do that I feel some pain in my body that I want to vomit out of my system by causing the same amount of pain back to the one who offered it to me. As I automatically connect that pain with the wrong saying or doing of the person in front of me instead of connecting it with my shutting down and the reaction that is caused by it.

When I shut down this is how it looks like inside. I stop talking I feel a lot of pain. The pain resemble a very toxic outside force that was inserted inside of me that I have to expulse out of me and anger is the only friend I have that will help me get that pain out. I have learned that anger and me get punished when we work together. So I have trained anger to look for the first opportunity to run off and close off business entirely. The lines of communication or negotiation are cut off on my end and the space and the distance, anger and I need to process what is boiling over inside of me, is vital and a must.

Of course by that time my husband and my daughter are aware of my detachment and the hurt I feel and they either resist or go along with any form of shutting down and abandonment on my part which at this point is the only option there is.

The space and the silence or the wall I put between us helps me from causing some serious damage and exposing the insanity that could come out of my dearest friend anger if let loos and given the freedom to release what it had suppressed for so many past lives. The space and the silence also helps them realize that they went a little to far with me and so they can feel bad about it then dance there way back gently towards me when they feel the moment is right. Once I put my wall down again they seem happy to reconnect and let me know how sorry they are for the pain they caused and are ready to do anything I need and ask in the moment.

My disguised approach to the hurts that occurs when boundaries are being crossed is very much like making someone feel bad and sad  about the wrong that was caused. By pushing myself away into a hidden corner where I can feel the pain alone, abandoning both myself and my kid and giving no chance to approach this vulnerable part in me that wants to hurt back in the moment, so regrets about what was done can be felt. This approach however unhealthy may be for the growth of my relationships with my daughter and my husband today has saved my life in the past and many generations before me have survived in using this mechanism. Passed on this sacred inheritance to be recycled onto the newer generation. Passing on my family heritage and acting out the unhealthyness of it, gives me a secretly covered sense of being in power  and regaining some form of control, it helps me breath and I feel alive holding and using the sacred family surviving weapon, even though my breath is ever so shallow and my life deprived of it s real true power. Great pleasure comes out the action of redeeming oneself by doing something good in order to compensated for the bad that was done. That pleasure that is generated from this working mechanism and has become my oxygen is also very addictive and  extremely rewarding. I want more, and everything and everyone around me will become the instrument that will keep this alive mechanism in place in me. The welcoming back after shutting down, on my part, with a warmer heart but still a little timid, by putting down my walls and opening up my borders once again, fuels the energy bank account that seemed deprive and lacking of  love. The guilt, that comes after the offering of the pain, that keeps me alive is not an enemy at all it is my best ally.