After watching the trial of Gabriel on Netflix I am sitting on my coach tears are rolling down, anger is being felt in my gut and I am hearing myself saying how can I make a difference for children to be protected and not having to ever go through tortures from their own parent. How can my story turn into something that will protect children from severe child abuse.

From my perspective child abuse has been minimized and looked away. Professional can not turn to me and tell me other wise because I am a survivor of child abuse and of witnessing child abuse and the silence that at the time protected me for more torture I thought as a little girl did not cover the terror in my eyes and the marks on my body when I went to school. The teacher could not approach and when she did she saw how petrified I was so she would walk away. My whole being screamed begging everyone who came near me to not hurt me the way my father would at home. The windows were shut and covered for no one to hear and to see what was inside my father’s mind, all this rage he had accumulated and being his daughter qualified me to be one of the only four people on this planet to witness that rage and to keep it our secret. The blinds were pulled all the way down it was darker inside scarier, the front door was locked his little ritual and all my life I searched for reason why no one ever suspected that my brother and I should have been removed at a very young age from the guardianship of both my mother and my father. Through the lens of a traumatized child I realized that everyone was traumatized on some level, not necessarily by there parents or during childhood but somehow trauma seems to be part of a human initiation that throws one into a cycle of more destruction or a cycle of healing and transcendence. The greater the trauma processed and overcome the more inspired and inspiring a presence and a life has become I noticed. Now life is not seen through the lense of a traumatized being but rather through the lense of a healed healer who is able to open the heart that could have become bitter and shattered entirely.

It feels like everyone is guilty and contributing to child abuser just by looking away. Even the smallest attempt to questioned child abuse is pushed away when the social worker takes the parent’s word.

The spiritual world I know also contributes to this neglects and abuse and tells adult who have survived torture by their parents to not look back, to forgive to look away from darkness from evil. Turn to the light only or you will die I heard once when I made smallest attempt to reveal what has to remain a secret.

My own husband, the rest of my family and so many others turn their head away from this hidden secret monstrous fact of torturous child abuse. My husband’s a and the rest of the world’s interested is only in saving and supporting ppl who have absolutely nothing to do with what is torturous and severe abuse. The amount of burden and emotional weight is too painful to look at.

After watching 3 episodes of “the trial of Gabriel” I felt a lot of energy inside my body some of the abuses and the story that Gabriel had endured resembled my story and some of the abuse I had endured as a child. Bringing these old memories back up in my awareness and where I am at today in my life brought a lot of sadness for children who suffer abuse from their parents and my own too.  It also brought a need to express and communicate everything that I have lived through from the traumas, the isolation as well as the pain that can be caused to a child through abusive parents. When my husband came to sit at the table where I was preparing lunch I shared a couple of my thoughts with him about Gabrial s trial, and he immediately picked up the magazine next to his left elbow and began to read, as if he had to cut the produced sound coming out of my mouth and replace it by the sound of his inner voice reading about some unimportant news in the magazine. What I was sharing with my husband was severly painful and therefore so hard to listen and to follow without wanting to run away. He ran away only with his attention I asked him to remain present with me and he said ” I can’t hear any of these stories right now my mind is full with unprocessed information from work and as his eyes continued on reading I softly replied back and said ” you can’t listen to the story I telling you but you can read the story the magazine tells you?” Imediatly he picked up the magazine and went of to the other room.

I was irritated by his way to turn a blind eye on a real topic, on what really needs light and love and our attention. The darkest side of humanity abuse on children and abuse on women. The physical power of a man being used to hurt suppress and dictate is seen through looking at these facts and shining some light and love into them. Obviously men do not like to face the evil that keeps abuse alive still today and address these horrors so they can no longer exist and have power to destroy and hurt anymore, instead the attention is focused away into what sparkles and shines just so to brighten the brightest and turn a blind on the darkest forces that lingers still within a human mind.  The transcendence of human abuse and man s abuse using their false sense of authority to remain powerful over women and children is really where I want to turn my attention towards.

I survived child abuse and I would like that so many children who have survived severe child abuse and have a level of forgiveness in their heart like I do to come forward. Forgivness  for oneself and for one’s perpetrator, to help parents who’s evil side in time of complete dispear and blindness, around their children and most of all have children protected from the loss of that voice and the isolation that is involved around the abuse.  The system is not designed to support a parent nor a child stoke in an abusive pattern. The system is designed to look away from abuse or punish the child from being abused and punish the abuser. The system teaches people like my husband to read only and to be concern only about head lines in the paper concerning anything but the protection that needs urgent action on families who are facing pauvrety and severe abuse and under such poor condition bring into this world more victims of pauvrety and abuse.

I had lost my voice I remember my father switching the off button of that precious voice the moment he said to me “what ever happens in our family stays in our family”. He would carry on with a scary threatening voice and posture and said do not ever undress me in public by telling anyone about our life, not one word and if you do you will be taken away from your family and you will go to an orphanage like an abandoned child who has lost her parents. At the time when my father pronounced these words I thought that being taken away from home would have been far worse than the daily emotional and physical torture I endured in his presence.

Today I wished I had enough courage from a very early age and told someone to take me away from my father and to never make me return to him again.

I am starting to understand and believe firmly that my parents have sentenced themselves unconsciously as they removed themselves entirely from the family. Deprived themselves from their grandchildren and from any type of happiness my brother and I could ever give ourselves. Could this have been a closure for me? could this be a way I have find peace, a way that solved this case of abuse, my parents moving away from everyone as if they had turned themselves in and put themselves in jail? Perhaps it is, I think specially after this intense energetic resistance I felt when I was asked to reconnect in a loving and kind way with my mother before she passes. Sending her love and light in my mind sounds a little ridiculous idea, missed placed after I have sentenced them away. A part of me feels like closure had already happen and my mother can pass or in fact has already pass in my mind. An other part of me feels like I want to treat my parents like any other people who have not had all these inflicted traumas from their parents. Forgiveness for terrible mistakes,  for mental illnesses. Did we forgive Hitler for administrating all the tortures and killing on the Jews? Can I forgive my mother for not protecting me and my brother from the mental illness that caused my father to be a monster. Can I forgive my mother for letting herself become ill and becoming herself a monster to children?

The torture the abuse that an adult makes a child endure can be a secret never to be revealed, however that rage that pain that a parent puts on child through abuse, as the child moves away from the parent, by becoming an adult, that rage turns inward and become self inflicted abuse. There is no child around the abusive parents anymore to carry the uncontrollable rage,  so where does that rage go?