I texted Brigitte my aunt last week and I told her that I was dreaming about my mother these days. Her response to my text was “you need to reconnect with your mother”. I had not heard or seen my mother for about 18 years and lately right before my grand mother’s passing I find out that she was undergoing an intense cancer treatment.

A few days after this texts exchange with my aunt telling me she would try and talk to my parents about a possible way to have contacts again, she gets back to me telling me that she had spoken to them and mentioned our exchange and the outcome of this new begining seemed positive to her.

On my end a lot is moving inside of me and I noticed right away that this open opportunity for a reconnection brought back into the surface some old unresolved raw agitating anxiety that I immediately projected onto this new moment.

I felt triggered by a couple of points that were mentioned for this reconnection to take place. When I shared my conversation with Brigite and the way my parents requested that the connection should take place, Bastiaan was also triggered and his reaction was very much connected to an unsettled fear I was experiencing inside of me in that moment. Then Kiki s out of no where violent reaction right after I hung up the phone with my haunt stirring up this underneath terror I was so use to around my father, still stored in me. Is this reconnection a ten step back after so many steps forward with myself, Kiki and everything else in my life today..

The triggers.

My parents suggesting that the reconnection between us should be handled by Hans. I have no contact with my brother. I feel so disconnected from him and at this point this disconnection is a big trigger by itself. I have no idea why my brother doesn’t reach out to me ever or why he doesn’t communicate to me why the connection between us is broken and move the hell on from this constant resentment he is holding towards me.

My parents suggesting I send them a video of me filming myself explaining to them why I want to reconnecte with them. What the hell. I have to explain why I want to reconnecte with my parents? That brought tears to my eyes and also a lot of stored anger…. I texted my haunt  immediatly telling her how I felt and she called me.

My haunt s voice was one of a loving parent, one of a kind I would like to hear louder in my own head when ever I get triggered and anxiety fills my whole being. My head was racing into a pannick mode, emotions were overwhelming and telling me to survive a new battle ahead of me. No clarity was coming to me, no different perspective in seeing what was infront of me, no different angle with a clearer and more loving approach. I was blinded by a level of emotions that took over and I was already giving up. My aunt s voice was calm, soft, full of heartfelt intention for peace to cover the path for a new moment for my parents and I. As I was open to connect with her vision she was gently redirecting me to a safer place, I followed her unspoken but energetic direction and right away I responded to the peace offering she presented to me. After I had explained what was going on for me calmly, right away she reassured me and explained that their request were not at all a challenge that would I have to prove to them that I am worthy of their welcoming back into their lives, like I had interpreted it.

The world and our lives today stand on a platform of uncertainty. No one really knows how the situation we are in at present is going to turn out, economically, politically socially. So today while we are still in a position to forgive and offer our love to one another why not use that opportunity and make the best out of it. This is how Brigite presented the situation to my parents. Forget the passed, burry old the grievances and move forward. That is when Bastiaan explained, “so your parents can hurt you, then punish you in walking away and ghosting you and after 10 years just show up saying forget the passed let’s move on and never really clean up the mess they created out of your relationship with them?”

My aunt has a point, Bastiaan has point too and those two voices are my own voices that peace needs to bring together to help them work together.

I value seeing my mother one last time or more if possible before she transitions out of her body. I value meeting her with Kiki one first time. I value the awareness of love and peace to be our last body form interaction. I value those ideas more than asking them to redeem themselves for the hurt and the mistakes they made with me or to change the way they were into how I would have like them to be. I value this open window infront of us. I also know that I am not the same person I was 30 or 18 or 10 years ago.

The little girl in me who still suffered old childhood wounds 10 years ago is now visibly more and more in the gentle care of a strong and wise adult within me.