I heard once a remark from someone I knew, who was a healer, telling me that when she sees me she gets this impression that I just float around. That I walk senselessly with a heavy step, sometime slow at times fast, up and down vast areas I chose to occupy. Not really knowing where I go, or how to make use of this life I was born into. Just wondering around not knowing what to do with myself. I do remember being in this wondering state throughout my life. I also know that once I had my daughter my focus and my purpose seemed more grounded and being around her when she was a baby kept me away from wondering around, her vital needs asked me to be still. It is only when she started walking that the floating around reoccurred and the fun part this time was that she was willing and happy to accompany me in that state too. Today I see her following my footsteps only this time I have a feeling that what drives into this floating state is very different than what drove me into wondering. Me and my daughter were two floating Angels desperate to make connections and not knowing where the connections would lead us. Who can I hung out and spend a moment with was my main preoccupation. I see my girls doing the very same thing.
Even though there was some truth in telling me I was floating around,because indeed I was floating around senselessly, I felt offended. Offended because, one their was a little taste of criticism, “you r not perfect enough” I heard in her comment, there also was in this impertinent remark an opportunity to become aware of a condition I was blindly caught into and this was a reality check up. Looking back now I notice a part in me was allowing this floating around, to keep me in this mysterious state of sleepyness which keeped me a prisoner in my own mind. Once this part felt discovered and find out it automatically went into a defense mode. Wandering around purposeless like a ghost but never going too far, only as far as a small room with walls around me. These walls were holding me from exploring further from knowing a little more about myself from knowing a little more about every thing. I felt trapped and the trap was getting a little too oppressing. At some point my ghostly presence filled that room up and it became ever so tight. In one of my previous posts I mentioned being trapped in my bedroom as a child and I see most of my earlier adult life also trapped in that bedroom within me. Later on in my life I used, the jobs I had, the relationships, the traveling I did, the spiritual and recovery programs, and any kind of situations I created for my self, to decorate this small room and yet I was still feeling trapped. Not able to move further than these walls I was like a prisoner. I was also like a ghost floating with no purpose appart from distracting myself from getting out of this dead end road.
So what changed? What is different today than those days when I floated around purposelessly? In my next post discover this new adventure I embarked in that has put a complete end to this senseless journey I was not born to live….