Monday 2nd of Novembre 2020. The day before presidential election day. I say a historical event this will be for sure. It is tense here and not just as a result of a firmly divided nation but a trividate country that are each strongly opposed to one another. Americans are you reelecting a man who’s mental health is pretty unstable as your president? Is the majority of  America’s population affected by the same mental illness as the possible reelected president?  I think so and I am hoping that some divine intervention helps me to leap into a continuum where I can finally see the world through a lens of sanity and connection.

Checking in with my inner world right after feeding 4 cats their raw fish breakfast and making my Matcha oat late. A sense of restlessness taking me off my center. I don’t feel grounded and I also don’t feel super tense or depressed like i did yesterday and the day before. I am simply not able to clearly see where nor how my day can proceed. I don’t have a set plan like I had last week, M6 Journalists coming over to visit at 9am. 10am meeting Brent Gasser,  the orange cat farm at 11am.  Lunch at our final destination with David at the Bistro Barley in Reedsburg. Today my planning it is empty until 11am. Mano calls me for an hour at 10am and before that I am indecisive. I have ideas, options. Centering my mind, checking in with my parts, asking them about their feeling and needs, finding Self, stretching and doing a little strengthening exercise. How? I ask.  Yoga? Meditation? spending time in the garden recking leafs? I am not ready to reconnect with B. At least a part of me who might me on the driver’s sit at present is not ready to reconnect with B.

Polarized, that is the word that echoes in my mind. Polarized parts? That is probably what this is a part in me says lets take this direction today an other part says let’s not let s do this instead. Nothing gets accomplished no yoga no meditation no strengthening. This is confusing me and not allowing order to flow in my mind. I am aware of an inner world waiting for directions but directions from whom? The mother in me? The mother retired at the airport on Saturday? The responsible kid? the wife? the managers? Self? Yes Self. Self where are you? How can i reach out to you so you can tell me which direction to take this morning? Self are you here? Self is here but is clouded by a confused energy that takes over. How about doing a meditation to spend some time alone with Self? Ok. I start the audio the Path from D Schwartz. 9 minutes out 36minutes is how long i am able to sit. I get up I am cold the cats are asking me to let them in the house.

I am hearing Just stand still and check in again with what s alive in me. I am hearing a part asking to be heard and so I listen. The part says B was unreasonable with you Saturday let me show you how I came to this conclusion and before lets rewind the to the scene when you stood by him with the pain you felt after dropping off kiki at the airport

I am disconnecting with Bastiaan when he gets critical angry acts out the same way  I disconnecting with critical angry and acting out of control parts in me. I am punishing pushing them away and disconnect …..

 

Investigating parts

Who was present inside of you when You entered the room where B was?

A wounded or vulnerable part, also a sad part, a part that is a mother who is grieving a loss. Who did I meet in B? Why did you approach B and who did you meet?  To help me connect and attend these parts who seemed confused by the loss and overwhelming body sensations and sad thoughts. I am thinking I meet his intellectual part who was studying IFS in that moment, I also met his perfect part, as well as his I do the work seriously part, so manager parts and self like parts. Do you recognize those part in you? I think i do. What did you ask the manager and self like parts in B to do? To support the parts in me who was feeling overwhelmed to stand still with me in sit with those strong feelings while i was trying to identify with these parts. How did his parts respond to what you asked for? at first by saying lets listen to an IFS audio, and I said no I only need your quiet presence to his intellectual part. How did he respond he said ok. Then what happened? We entered a moment of silence then a minute later I could feel and hear B being restless and agitated. How did you feel when that happened I felt more intense it was harder to focus on the targeted parts and the feelings. What did you do or said? I talked myself through staying still and letting both of us be still in the existing tension. Then what happened? I tried to breath further into what I was feeling and i could still hear B being agitated. I told myself that it was very hard for him to do the work but easier for him to read write and talk about to other ppl. Was that a part in you that judges or critics the intellectual parts within you? I not sure. Then what happened? He interrupted the process and said you can’t force me or demand that I do this with you. Then how did you deal with his response? I felt his agitation and felt agitated myself I then said I am not forcing you nor making demands I am only asking you what I need right now, and what I need is some emotional and moral support to help me sit with what s overwhelming. How did he respond then? He repeated that I was forcing him and that he didn’t want to do anything he felt forced into. Can you identify with the part in him who tells the part in you exactly what he said and can you identify with the reaction he had? I am not sure. What about the reaction you had to his part? What did you say to that? I reacted feeling offended and not supported I was disappointed and I told him that he was selfish and that he couldn’t put himself on the side to support me when I most needed it. When I called him selfish he raised his voice and called me a bitch and said go fuck yourself . I told him he is gay because in my head I thought I could not let him get away with his abuse and the only words I find in that heated moment, to stand up for myself was to call him gay. How did he respond to that? he told me to get out of the room he was punishing me and using the abandonment card to do that. How did that go? I was not taking his card I said NO I am not leaving our room if you need to leave you leave i am staying here. He approached me as if he was going to hit me or physically force me out of the room and I told him to not think about that and the I was definitely not going to let him intimidate me he threw all the beddings on the floor then when he saw i was not moving nor saying anything   He then said ok I am calling the police. I wasn’t worried because I had not been abusive and a few seconds later he caught up with that fact and he left the room. How did you feel when he approach you agressivly? a part of me was scared and an other part told that little part don’t worry he will not touch you just stay behind me I ve got that. We have not spoken since that moment. Why not? I am waiting for him to approach me with an apology because even though i made the mistake of forcing something onto him I was not aware of it and I was certainly not being abusive.