I just dropped my daughter to the airport for her to spread her wings and fly on her path, to the beginning of the rest of her life. Part of me feels ecstatically stirred up, uncomfortable and in pain with her being out of reach so far away. Part of me feels happy that she is trying something new and hopeful that she learns to find herself within all the mistakes she will make and all the lessons she will get out from her mistakes. An other part is super anxious thinking she is fragile she is easily distracted into what she calls fun and friends and she is not going to stay on her path to success  and will relapse into her bad habits the minute it get too hard. She will then be reminded of the pain she is trying her best to not feel and avoid and not know how to attend to the pain in a way that is not going to be destructive.

An other part says she has a lot to learn and unlearn before she finds out her true purpose and can stand in her own 2 feet. The distance between her and I at this point will force a process of growth on her, so letting her go and keeping her in my mind where it feels warm and loving can be the best I can do for both her and I.

I am all over the place and feeling stirred up intensely. Driving back from the airport Eric is great at supporting me push away and supress the pain that a mother feels when she sees flash backs of the birth of her child becoming a child then becoming an unrecognizable adult. The pain a mother feels when thoughts highjack her mind like today might be the last day I see her as my little girl, today might be the last time I see her alive or enthusiastic and hopeful because my baby is about to be disillusioned and realize that where ever she goes she takes with herself the good the bad and the ugly and will have all of these parts reflected back at her.

I come back home to my husband and find an emotionally dead and unavailable teenager instead of an adult who can support and sit with me and feel those strong and very uncomfortable feelings. On the top of being emotional about my daughter leaving I am now have extra feelings because I don’t have the support I was hoping I could have from my husband. I meet with a wounded part in me and as i am listening to her she tells me that I have chosen a man in my life who has a real hard time feeling his feelings and an impossible hard time feeling with others when they go through intense feeling themselves.

In the head it is easy to analyze and cut off from the rest of the body and feel absolutely nothing.

 

I had a restless night I was woken up by either this really strong scary wind reminding me of a loss I am feeling right now or my cats wanting to come in and out of the house or my room, almost every hour. To comfort me I told myself that even though I wasn’t able to sleep well at least i was restful and not fighting and running all over the place looking for something to distract me from the fear and the restlessness I was feeling . The wind was loud and strong and I was anxious about a tree falling on the house. I tried watching a french movie but after 10 minutes i would fall asleep and wake up 40 minutes later by a the sounds made by the wind or a cat event.

I wake up this morning and a few parts inside of me, I am thinking manager and firefighter parts seemingly very angry, needing my full attention, screaming, saying, “This is the right time to get out of your marriage and leave this little boy you call your husband behind. You are done being his mother now you need to attend to your child parts and Kiki not a 48 years old man who is frozen in time as a small child and a teenager. Yes you married a child who teams up with you when you are emotionally triggered with someone and goes against you and makes everything about him when you are emotional all over the place within you. You need an adult as a partner who can stand still or gently communicates with you that he will be there for you when he feels centered in himself. You need someone who can for a few minute put himself on the side and attend to what you need in a moment specially when something hard comes up for you. You need a man who is not afraid of you when you get upset and go off your center when a hard life situation arises, like sending off your child to a scary adult world. What you don’t need is a child who barely makes it through the day without turning to his survival mechanism for comfort or to help you deal with what s hard ahead.

I am sensing an other part that I can not give a name to and that for now I will call a firefighter she is saying “I have no savings nothing to leave with if I had a place to go to with the cats I would leave right now and not look back ever and move on with the rest of my life.

An other part who sounds more like a critic or a manager says why can’t you get yourself together? start saving money from now on start building your life to stand on your own two feet and stop depending on a husband who is not emotionally available for you when you go through really hard stuffs. If you are going to have someone in your life he would have to be emotionally stable and mature, in touch with how he feels inside and with who he is and not just talking about who he could be in his head cut off from his body. An other part says just leave right now you ve started from zero before you can do it again this time a little faster nothing holds you here, go and find a job a place to leave and stay close to Kiki she needs you right now if she is going to survive this world right now.

I must say sitting down and writing what the parts are saying feels really good. I am very clear with the fact that the parts need my attention my focus and someone possibly me to listen to them and let them know that their thoughts are valid

I would like to stay focus on the parts that stands out the most the ones causing me the most discomfort right now and sees how far I  can go with the process? How I can have more clarity on what or who is hiding behind these intense fight flight inner talks and sensations inside of me,  who is saying get a divorce or, ” you are upset right now and the result of the disconnect that happens between you two doesn’t have to be a divorce. It has to be something though. It has to be a complete change because an other part says “you two are stock and you are right where you left off with each other, at that same devastating spot you were both were at the minute Kiki came and moved with you in 2014.That part had more to say and here goes…. Anytime something triggers you both you retrieve into child’s parts, wounds are being pointed at, reactions, blame and shame are the tools you both choose to use over and over to deal with your painful feelings and how you choose to disconnect to get away from what needs a real change. The relationship gets further away from being healthy and unless something comes to distract the distance that was created between us, like all the focus on problem solving my daughter’s teen dramas, the urge for repairing what we broke is the only solution to have a workable marriage. Six years later I am brutally waking up to the fact that I had not been protected myself nor my daughter  from this dense and wounded past I still carried as well as an unhealthy dynamic that was born out of this unhealed past with my husband. I have also not protected my child from the wounds guilt and unhealed past of her father and that is what i had inherited from my parents.  I as a child as well as my daughter could tap into the closest energy fields and mirror back what did not work and what was toxic with the family dynamics. Children do exactly this they tap into family society dynamics and energies, good or bad and sometime both and they mirror these back at their care givers parents teachers and society. Instead of trying and change what is seen in the kid within, the parents and society try so hard to change the kid, medicate them, diagnose them with the disease the parent or the society has. Kids wound themselves with diseases that never belonged to them at the first place then these becomes part of a self they create and identify with until they become conscious of this and do the necessary work to release the wounds and the sabotaging dynamics that was glued on to them. To be continued……