I am disconnecting and noticing a shut down in me around anyone who gets intensely critical, angry, and acts out, the same way  that I disconnect with the intensely critical, angry, and out of control parts in me. I punish and push them away, I abandon them criticize them and disconnect with them. I have no clue how to reconnect once I have shut down, in fact I believe that it is impossible to reconnect with a part that I have rejected. Once I have abandoned a part it s like putting it into a trash with more trash on the top that i never empty and expect it to magically disappear. I have created a separation with a part which feels painful and therefore impossible to look back at it I believe. If I was to meet again with the part I rejected as if that part would pop up out of no where, the hurts I caused would show it’s face again and shame me or punish me for what I did for what i left behind not repaired.The broken pieces are always here to be remind of me so I can not get close to that part I once rejected and be myself around it. I stay on my guards and we tell each other to keep our distance. It never tells me to repair the damages that was caused when I rejecting the part, it never tells me how to repair the wounds that the dynamic created. One major point I have noticed is that I can not bring myself to make one loving gesture towards the parts who gets angry or act out. It feels like my love energy tank is ever so low in my world of managers that it has nothing to give to other damaged parts. That s when we need Self to step in. That is when I can try and bring Self to fill that love tank and love those depleted parts.

It is so easier and it feels so natural to expect other’s exile and firefighter parts to change and to come back to me with an approach that is kind and gentle and safer so i can think that I can connect and that I can love. So today I am realizing that I can only love and connect with what is kind, honest, mature safe and gentle and that is ok but I am split. Not being able to love parts that are not honest humble respectful loving resilient and strong makes only half of me where is the other half??? I reject this other half in me. I am so afraid of that unperfected half it feels ugly, toxic and they belong to a past that no longer exist it seems. Past burden that I have push away and that I still cary around with me that I can see in ppl as they mirror it back to me. Realizing that I don’t make peace with that half but instead I fight it for it to get out of my life….. But it is going no where it is still with me. The toxic the angry the wounded the parts who intellectualizes everything. The half that is false that I criticize and hate in others who talk so beautifully about transformation who has conceptualized many recovery programs but can not put  into practice what the aim of the teaching. So the real question here is do i want to finally include attend connect with that other half in me? my answer is do I really have a choice. I have had the privilege to experienced glimpses of being whole at times in my life. I have felt what it is like to be entirely free of rejecting ugly parts in me. What I tasted was so unimaginably beautiful and peaceful that even though I swore I would never look back at these parts in me that are not perfect when I said yes to more of that peace to more of that beauty I said yes to retaking ownership of all my parts even the one who are hiding away so well from my awareness and are blocking my sight to love’s presence.