Where is Self????? I kept asking myself yestersay as I was feeling deezy and my head was spining ready to explode. I felt my energy was being drained minute after minute, as if I had a serious cut and blood was flowing out of my body heavily. At this point  I think I am in need of extra support here to help me reorganize confused and conflicted parts within as far as my relationship with my daughter is concern.  I am also sure that there is something global occurring at the moment as I m hearing that a lot of ppl are feeling strirred up these days with the presidential transition happening. On my end my 19 old daughter s who is struggling with adiction and mental health, moved back with us after her failed attempt to live in Arizona. Finding herself a the bottom of it all, with no fuel left in her to take care of the minimum and survive in this world as a new adult, the pain of her inner struggle left me no choice but to give her a moment of respite and safe place to be in until she finds it in herself to go back out in the world and find herself. Now here with us at home she commucates her constant need for extra attention from me, she finds absolutely impossible to give herself any and struggles with a very low self estime. I am finding it really hard. It is time and energy consuming as I am witnessing her slowly regressing into this dependent little child who can no longer take care of herself and has a very persistent expectation that I will take over and do the caring (survival needs) for her from now on. “Mom if you can’t let me stay with you, I will end up slowly killing myself with herroin on one of my junky friend’s coach” she said when she showed up at my doorstep last week.  My parts are freaking out. Because her staying here not taking any part into working towards being independent, waiting for me to do the work for her is also asking for trouble. Taking care of her emotionally and physicaly seem to place me in a position where I don’t spend nor do I think that I can take the necessary time (in the afternoon or evening) I need to reflect back and work harmoniously with my parts, specially the one having a hard time with this whole situation, to find a healthy way to walk through this seemingly minefield, without this fear in the back of my mind, of a sudden explosion to happen, like we ve had before. Right now it is 6:30am everyone s asleep so I am taking a moment to write down what my parts need to tell me and these really scared part, angry part and indepedent part ornlganized part and need for gentle and quiet are on the front line standing like solders demonstrating, ready to fire, screaming “ask her to get a job, to get her own food and to feed herself and if not ask her to get her own place” these parts are so triggered right now, it leaves me with this feeling inside of being heavily  stirred up, that I am not even sure how I can help these parts. My mind gets ever so clouded and a pressure within seem to slow my thinking down and activate the firefighters when I am arround my daughter. What I want to say to her comes out so wrong and it seems we stay in this state of being passive and aggressive, disconnected. I see the pain and the distance that this disconnection creates between us. I am also witnessing within me that my creative parts who would normaly find a way to remain connected for some reasons are now being pushed out of the way and my communication is one that disconnects instead of one that connects….. There is also a little part in me around my daugseemswhich seems to have this expectation in having her be the adult and speak in a way that will feel less threatening to her and keep us connected so that I can follow with her flow and her lead and of course this never happens… I think I am in need of more clarity in what my parts (exiles, protectors) need right now from me around my daughter but I don’t know where to begin.

I am reaching out to an IFS therapist….