The last 2 days were very challenging here at home. Saturday was full of firefighters exchanges between my daughter and I and Sunday the same but this time between my husband and my daughter….. I was able to recognise that the dynamic of defenses up, were actually protecting or looking out for a lack in feeling safe within and around each other and also a lack in giving myself a moment to reconnect with Self. Once I was in Self the whole atmosphere with my daughter was different and even when her protectors were out we moved faster into a safe place.. I also notice that in Self I was able to not fix and get enmeshed with the existing tension between my husband and my daughter so let them sort out safety for themselves, and the part that uses guilt to not side with my husband when his protectors are out was feeling safe and supported by Self.

Even though these last days have been over shadowed by reacting language and disconnecting exchanges in our household a part in me was able to detach from the battleground and notice the pain behind such dynamic. A pain that belongs to past unrepaired wounds in the relationship we have been creating with each other the last years. Why would any of us, my husband, my daughter, and myself would ever have to feel unsafe and protect ourselves from one an other? Why would KC need her firefighters out to protect her from her mother or any care givers who wants the best for her? Could it be as simple as the fact that her mother or any care giver KC would ever need protection from have also their proctertors out and when they do not feel safe KC obviously isn’t going to feel safe either.  On high alert scanning for anything that feels unsafe protectors are doing their jobs perfectly…

I asked my friend M why she was listening daily to news that would convince her over and over that the world and its corrupted system in place was after her and her family and her friends and many ppl in this world who denied the “bad and evil” system. I also explained that if I was constantly looking out for this alarming news I would go into a deep state of fear and depression.  So even though I am after healthy, sanity, honesty, peace  and growth  convincing myself day after day that I am not safe in this world will keep me in the red zone of survival where my firefighters would stand ready on alert  to protect and fight for my survival. The peace the growth the honesty the sanity and the healthy would slowly change and turn into conflict, regressing, clouded thinking, resentment and I would become an evil reflection, reflecting back evil at what I see and judge evil. What good would that be how sane is that? My friend answered my question this way… When I don’t watch the news  that keeps me informed about the insanity of this hidden power of a system, yes I feel more at peace within I let my defenses go but I also feel like I could slowly move into the croud who is blinded and hypnotized into accepting and supporting this destructive system. When I keep myself informed on how this destructive system slowly moves into our lives I keep my defenses up and I can’t be part of it anymore. I continuously keep myself in a position that moves against the destruction.

From all that I have experienced so far in my life  keeping myself in this surval position in the red zone and in opposition and on alert to what is bad to what is destructive I reject what is bad and destructive within me I make that my enemy I enter into an internal war with this enemy.