2021 – Peace of me, Part of you

Hi My friend thank you for your voice text last week… Thank you for giving me the information I was requesting about Kiki s court appearances. A bit happen since that day. Kiki tested positive for covid when she admitted herself into rehab, and so they turned her away and asked her to isolated for 10 days then come back…. At this point jobless homeless sick she s been going from couch to couch since there are no places for putting up homeless ppl infected with covid…. I doubt I will be celebrating xmass this year fully at peace in my heart, as it is too broken for celebrations, while witnessing my only child covering up her pain and suffering with something that could kill her anytime now however much of a dream this is I can not, not be affected by the way her life turned out to be…. The glimbs of hopes that I experience here and there are just little oasis to take a brief break before I continue on this heavy walk through the desert, it is cold and I m possibly too infected by COVID…. Symptoms of being unwell started showing up 3 days after I drove Kiki to unroll in the MAT recovery program and meet with Nicole in Baraboo to go over 2 hours of filling up paper work. Christmas might come a little later this time around. Perhaps after the new year when kiki’s words “to my last year alive” when we wished each other happy new year the 1rst of January 2021, have not come true. The part my last year alive to not come true But what if she meant, my last year alive while using fentanyl heroin and meth? Did she mean that 2022 will be be the year that gets her out of rehab with her monthly shot of Vivitrol following her recovery program? I am praying for her to not give up on herself these next coming 10 days and I am also praying for C to not stop her from getting herself into treatment if he makes it out of custody before she reaches the rehab place. After all as long as these two manage to not be around each other K might feel more motivated to reach her goal to her path of recovery. So far it looked like they were both setting each other up for failure for more chaos, for confusion brain fog and conflict. K needs an adversary with whom she can feed the part in her that loves arguing and uses this strategy to manipulates to get what ever wants crosses her mind in the moment. By the sound of it C looks like the perfect adversary and that is what she fell madly in love with. I saw how C just like I and her dad and most ppl around her let themselves slowly swim around the bait she so cleverly display in front of our eyes and suddenly have us bite on it it and get hooked. I am very aware that her strategies are not who k is in truth and that she uses them only and quite often to communicate how stoke and afraid she is in her ill condition and how lonely she feels in that state. How much she wants to have ppl in this circle she sees no way out. Even when a helping hand reaches out to her to slowly walk her out, she sees the hand, takes it, walks towards the line that defines her circle and the outside of it and when it s time for her to leap out petrified she pulls the hand toward her with all her strength and without knowing we find ourselves inside and the pain of that makes everyone push her away get out and walk away. As a result she feel betrayed and experiences abandonment her pain gets greater and the pain killer use her only help her only true friend. Inside that circle alone using drugs is her only way to not feel the pain of everyone walking away from her…. What is the solution for her and for anyone stock in a trap they can’t get out? A trap that enslaves the mind to suffering and the addiction to it? I m asking myself the question. Here is what comes. First notice that I trapped. Then realize that I m not trapped by anyone but by my own mind. Notice that The suffering is internal. Then wanting to end the inner suffering and staying open for a way out. The way out happens and along the way the inner machine who was use to me being trapped and suffering is still activate for a while and will set me up to return in that circle. High are the chances that I will return inside and feel trapped and become hopeless once again thinking this is it. This time I m not getting out of it until I die…. That muscle is weak still. The muscles that get me out of that circle is weaker then the muscle that keeps me in. It takes great effort to build that muscle. The burden of a mother is the suffering of her child dying. There is no way to deny and avoid the pain that comes with seeing one s own child drowning into darkness…. As much as I try, learn, to witness her nightmare above the battle ground the hand that I bring to her when she asks gets contaminated no matter what I do. I often hear don’t give her that hand, save yourself and I say she is myself and when it is given for me to help her in her nightmare I am learning to remember the truth as I walk

By cecileb|2021-12-23T19:07:48+00:00December 23rd, 2021|Uncategorized|

In Self… parts work… Emotion… goal

By cecileb|2021-12-02T14:03:06+00:00December 2nd, 2021|Awakening, Mental health, Non-Violent Communication (NVC), Parts Work|

Self I called the attorney’s office to pay Kiki s legal aid fee. I hear a young female’s voice on the receiving end. How can I help? She says. I would like to pay off my daughter’s legal aid fee. I replied. Ok what is her name she says? Her name is Kimia then I [...]

Dissociation and IFS

By cecileb|2021-11-14T16:42:07+00:00November 14th, 2021|Uncategorized|

I was describing to my IFS fellow traveler, feeling dense disconnected confused and heavy after having had an hour long conversation with my dad. I was very tempted to make him the one responsible for how I was feeling. My friends stops me and asks. Have you ever heard of dissociation? Parts in me went [...]

Connecting

By cecileb|2021-10-08T11:58:08+00:00October 7th, 2021|Awakening|

I am not asking me to disconnect myself from the limited part of me which right now is my body and the intellect that accompanies the body through out the day. I am not asking me to fly off and dissociate with the body to remain only in this unlimited space that has the capacity [...]

Connecting an exile crarrying the burden of guilt, with Self.

By cecileb|2021-10-07T15:32:57+00:00October 6th, 2021|Awakening, Mental health, Parts Work, Uncategorized|

For some parts in me not much seem to have changed since I was 4 or 8 years old. I don’t open my mouth without thinking that what I am saying is wrong and will get me into trouble. I don’t make one step forward or backwards without thinking I should shrink or defy this [...]

Starbucks meeting

By cecileb|2021-09-17T21:40:07+00:00September 17th, 2021|Awakening, Mental health, My daughter, Non-Violent Communication (NVC), Parts Work|

The last time I saw you, at the lake Delton parking lot. Picking up your bags of clothes from B’ s car, saying goodbye for ever because this whole situation is…..hopeless. Kirk, probably high, telling me that now is the time you really need me in your life, that he was taking care of you [...]

Text and letters I wrote my dauhter while she was homeless stuggling with her mental ilness and addiction

By cecileb|2021-08-10T12:00:49+00:00August 10th, 2021|Uncategorized|

Still editing Once you are sobber and you have support for your mental illness you can call me and talk to me before that you are on own destroying yourself I want no part in it that s what I mean by not being your mother anymore. As long as you are the way you [...]

Journal of a mother who ‘s daughter is struggling with substance abuse through a lease of IFS

By cecileb|2021-08-11T16:46:39+00:00July 28th, 2021|Border Line Personality Disorder (BPD), Mental health, My daughter, Parts Work, Uncategorized|

Day one of not using. I picked you up from Merrissa on Sunday drove us to the river and that was the last sort of precious moment I would have with you. As if this had been a set up to say our good goodbyes because if from this point on you do not save [...]

All alone on the 4th of july 2021 in Wisconsin

By cecileb|2021-07-05T00:06:54+00:00July 5th, 2021|Uncategorized|

I am happy tonight to allow myself fully feel this hard intense feelings of being completly alone of being isolated and having no one tonight around me to check on me or to share with and hang out with have fun. (expect our beautiful cats of course). So much sadness is coming up in this [...]

Emotions I hate you no more

By cecileb|2021-05-22T19:53:35+00:00May 22nd, 2021|Uncategorized|

I use to think that emotions were my enemies I categorized them as bad. So I disconnected with my enemies. I continuously avoided feeling them and I denied what I needed most. Connection and Peace and also room for creative energy. My emotions continued screaming for my attention leaving no space for me to live [...]

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