I use to think that emotions were my enemies I categorized them as bad. So I disconnected with my enemies. I continuously avoided feeling them and I denied what I needed most. Connection and Peace and also room for creative energy. My emotions continued screaming for my attention leaving no space for me to live my full potential. I looked for rescuers and parents everywhere I could to take them away from me and give them the attention and the care they needed. They screamed louder and built this energetic barriers between others and I so I would feel more and more isolated so that way I would have to notice them. But I didnt. I continued telling myself they didnt matter they didnt even exist, they were not valuable. They continued screaming louder and becoming an unbearable source of invisible pain and suffering. I became more and more ill I would catch every flying viruses my immune system was so low, so use to caring for those neglected emtions. Then I met ACIM and I learned to get in touch with loving and happy emotions. I also learn that WITHIN there is a safe place where I can rest when things get a little to overwhelming. This became my new sport I challenged and experimented how far I could go with this. I stopped being sick. I had more energy. I didnt feel isolated and alone but united more and more. I learned and experienced that death is not the only way out of suffering, out of the painful emotions and thoughts that moves through me. Getting sick is not the only way to get in touch with what screams for my attention. So I filled my cup with feeling good emotions and drunk that daily and when I had more I had some for others too. This stage lasted for a while. Then I continued seeing around me ppl suffering and I demanded that they feel happy too. I controlled the closes ppl around me to remain in that state. And 8 out 10 I failed at it and everytime I failed I saw in them those screaming emotions I continued rejecting within me. Cut off with parts of me, pushing away with discussed those emotions like fear anger sadness kept me disconnected… I had to be around ppl who did the same this way I was sure i was doing the right thing. I noticed that together our focus in pushing away “bad or dark emotions” and only inviting good feelings, happy feelings, and thoughts was quite powerful and it worked until something within told me to stop and showed that what I was doing was not quite right…
Living on the high of happy emotions only didnt feel OK anymore because I knew deep down I had buried some parts of me that I judged ugly and kept them in the dark just because I was afraid of including them and feeling them fully so they become the friends I can lovingly wave farewell to. So I no longer fear them. When I saw that my happy state could suddenly shift in the presence of someone feeling distressed. When I realized that I could no longer manipulate the situation to keep me in that happy, strong, state because I fought flew or froze instead of feeling compassion and offering true empathy to someone in pain I stopped. I pressed the button pause and I asked myself why do I feel uncomfortable so disconnected with myself and some else when pain or fear shows up? Then I asked how can I connect with myself and someone else in the presence of scary thoughts and what I called ugly dark emotions and intense feelings. The answers to these questions became a new journey for me and slowly I learn to use the part of my mind that remains clear compassionate curious calm creative courageous to sit, and even at times to reach out, when these scary thoughts and intense feeling shows up. I also realised that I can connect with emotions that have been screaming for my attention and I can talk to them the same way I would with a child who has these intense emotions.