Day one of not using. I picked you up from Merrissa on Sunday drove us to the river and that was the last sort of precious moment I would have with you. As if this had been a set up to say our good goodbyes because if from this point on you do not save yourself by going to rehab things are surly going down hill. As I am writing these words of a tired and broken hearted mother, it is 6 days after day one and you have already made it clear that you were not ready to save yourself. After this out of time moment with you on the beach, i am about to drive you back to Merrissa for you to spend your 2nd night and you slowly move into this space in your mind that is ran by an anxious part in you. You tell me how scared you are of Merrissa that she threatens to bit you up if you don’t to help with the babies that she steals your clothes that she took your make up bag that I don’t know how heartless she is that she is fighting and with her boyfriend all the time and you can’t sleep. How you are unable to rest and sleep deprived at her house. How dark the energy in her house is and how that is affecting the way you feel and interfering with your sobriety. Then you beg me to get you a nicotine pen knowing that I don’t like to get those for you. You convince me that it helps with your anxiety and it s better than Heroin.Then pressure me into getting a shower at our house because if your do it at Merrissa she will steal your underwear. I feel the pulled energetically, manipulated into your sphere of caos

Will we ever see each other again? you asked me and Julien as we happily exchanged through WhatsApp. Julien replied yes we will.

How disconnected can you possibly be from the part of you who wants to live and reconnect with yourself in a real way. From the part of you who needs to move through some discomfort and growing up pain. How far removed are you from your authentic Self? I see you noticing the suffering you are causing  you own heart at a distance and you are not able to see that the torturous life style you chose for yourself is also affecting everyone around you as well as your mother’s heart. The part of you who adores your mother who likes herself has been locked away lost it’s power it s voice and must be feeling terrified today. This part of you, you are now neglecting and pushing away to shut up, has a result of being neglected from her parents as a child, is not getting your protection, instead it is having you abandon and terrorize that little authentic part and as the day goes by you are disconnecting further away from this playful happy loving part of you. Your terror to survive this complicated world is making you gravitate into this box I drew you in into an isolated trap. Attracted into a bubble of substance users and dealers, that the rest of the world shame and turn their back on, fearing to see a part in themselves, in that condition that we have luckily escaped, but you my child, my only daughter did not escape it. Everyone has endured some sort of childhood trauma and gets left out in fear of facing the harshness of the world without mercy. Everyone turns into some type of addictive behaviors to remedy the emotional pain no one seems to have learn to process through. The truth is that it is easy for anyone to make the choice of falling into that trap, in fact most ppl at even a small percentage have fallen into the trap of addiction. Some less destructive and less obvious than you. But why choosing heroin over all other addictions, when we had spoken thoroughly about how the long term us of that drug had delimitated and destroyed your father’s life.You saw how hard is life is even though he like to blame it on everyone and everything else but how destructive he was towards himself for so many years. For some valid reasons you have you chose to surround yourself with the crowd who have given up on themselves. All I see in you, what s left of you, these last couple of time we connected, in your eyes , your body posture, your words, your attitude, is the suffering that yells ever so loud ‘I am a piece of shit, I am nothing, I hate myself, I am so ashamed of how i turned out to be”.

As I am noticing how toxic you are to yourself, with the lack healthy nutrient you would normally feed your body with. The 5% nicotine pod you stick between your broken and abused lips every 10 seconds. Your lungs and respiratory track are so inflamed by smoking heroin and fentanal. Under your eyes it looks bruised by the lack of sleep but mostly by how worn out you feel. Your skin is purplish and pale, your face is swollen full of black head. This slow torturous inflicted death is one of the hardest thing a mother has to witness in her child. It is so hard to see you this way the way you have been in this condition for last 4 years going down hill from then. I feel so sad so angry. Your dad blaming me holding me responsible for what is happening with you.

Once again I have spend the last few days giving blindly it seems, all my strength, my energy at making one more attempt to save you just enough to have you take over and regain some power over your own destructive parts, having to  fix you so you can breath a couple of breath above water, fishing you out of this deadly and drowning lake of heroin you are bathing yourself in, running like a chicken without a head looking for a treatment, a program, for you to get yourself in a place where you can feel safe again and you don’t have to create situation for yourself that brings you further away from how beautiful you are. All these attempts to save you but this time not able to rely on your success to bring the slightest satisfaction of hope in me.

Yes today, finally, I am not able to hope that my efforts to help you move through this hell you are in right now, are going to be a success.  Who am I kidding? You can lie to me swearing that you don’t and i see through most of those lies, in fact now I  know that most everything that comes out of you month is a lie as long as you still have some desire to get high again. The fact is You do still want to get high. The battle is not over. On your first day of detox you went from saying ” this is it mom i swear i m done i hit rock bottom” to I wish i could get high one more time”.

As you shared some of the most horrible things that happened to you this one and first week you find yourself homeless, the pain and trauma you have endured, you still believe heroin can fix that. You also think that your only problem is your physical attachment to the substance, that your mind and all the scary thoughts that talk to you all day long, have no active role in your addiction.

As you and your dad keep on holding to the belief that I am responsible for your addiction and the mess you are in today,  you continue feeding yourselves as victims and slaves of something creating a messed up reality for you.

The truth is i don’t have to get out of my way to help you get out of a situation you strongly believe i created for you and you can’t see where your own responsibility is. If i do anything is out of choice. If one day you do wake up out of this night mare you will clearly see that I am not responsible for the self inflicted pain you and your dad put up with. I am in pain not just because it is hard for a mother to see her child suffering, I am in pain because I have learned that pain is to be avoided afraid of denied and kept hidden.

I am noticing that you still believe that it is my responsibly only, to keep you safe, and take care of your basic needs. To carry you out of the mess you made for yourself and think of it as my mess to clean up for not being there for you and you needed me as a little girl. To be proactive and carry out  most of the unconscious decisions you work out with the  addict part of you. All the calls for you to get you to rehab, the expenses and cost for your driving tickets. When you come out of rehab the dream life of a princess  you have been so righteously fought for these last 6 years is finally waiting for you. Because in your mind mom has to make up for the time she was not there for me.

I am also aware that one of your protectors is working hard at setting ppl against one  another to get sympathy and obtain what you would not get otherwise. To my face and other’s too, you tell us exactly what we want and love to hear. you position yourself as a victim that needs saving then you lay out your expectation and most of the time you get your way. This manipulating strategy you are using is making you believe firmly that you only get your want meet this way. What you want is not always for your best interest but somehow a part in you is firmly convinced that it is.

Last night on my way to work as I drove to M to give you the inhalers 1rst when i saw your car was not parked by her house it took my breath away, 2nd instead of screaming defeat I wanted to give you the benefit of a doubt by checking in with M who could explain that you had had not taken off and gotten a heroin fix after being sober for 3 days. I rung the bell and quickly stepped down the 4 steps when i heard the dogs barking. I waited for the door to open then M’s mom showed up. Upset ready for me to have a go at her on a defensive mode for what had happened the last 30 minutes. She closes the door behind her and starts with the words I am so mad at her right now” then explains really fast what had happened and all i did put my hands on my head saying shit…. no….. shit… oh no. M’s mom had spoken so fast that I don’t think I fully understood what she was trying to tell me. So I tried slowing down to stay a little centered and I asked where is Kiki right now? she replied at the hospital, getting checked up for STDs and her coughing, but don’t worry M is with her she ll make sure they don’t prescribe her fentanyl for pain like they religiously do now days. A little reassured but still puzzled by it all I asked M’s mother to go over what had happened prior to them going to the hospital. So she explained once more that K was struggling through her day sober tossing and turning in bed in pain. M’s mom encouraged to take more of the comfort med Dc Ted H had prescribed her. She took more meds and fell asleep 2 hours later she shows up out of bed and asks M to give her the keys of her car. M asked why K said i need to get something in my car…. But in truth a dealer had gotten hold of her letting her know he had free heroin for her if she picked him up and gave him a ride places. Most substance users and some dealers loose their driving privileges and k still has her DVL and so she gets an exchange this way, free drugs for a free ride.

Luckily M got inside the car before k had the chance to drive off. So k used this opportunity to drive to the ER.

This morning I feel heavyhearted I woke up from a dream where I had lost most of my teeth on the left side of my mouth. A clear and loud voice in my head giving me some anxious and building me up for my nest moves keeps telling that k is not going to make it. That entire day this voice loyaly guided me to keep k safe. Check her back account oh my God she got into her dad s head and he transferred $400 into her account right that morning when the addict part of is screaming at her to find any possible way to survive and not starve herself of heroin/fentanyl. I transferred the money into my savings account I drove to Merrissa who handed me K car key, called Eric to make sure she would not have access to a spare one. I called Dave the pastor in Minnesota to see if a room in rehab was opening up for her. We got into a 3 way call and k was fully blended with the part in her who hypnotizes her to disregard anything anyone has to say unless it is “here you are K 2 points of heroin for you just one last time before you get to rehab”…. These were the words she pronounced to P when he called her later and encourage her to go through the craving and the withdrawal symptoms she was badly enduring on her day 4th of her sobriety. He was pushing really hard to have her value her life more than the part in her who thinks that getting heroin is a life death occurrence, which it was…..  I heard in the sound of her voice how her addicted part was making this genius attempt to discourage me to help her. “You dumb bitch” those are the words that part will use knowing that a part in me has absolutely no tolerance for verbal abuse special from my child. I was able to remain with a lot of Self energy who could see straight through that her addict part has highjacked her system and the little girl who adores her mother is locked away not able to even ask for my help…..

Day 5 of not using. Yesterday you were watched by Merrissa as you swallowed your second half pill of Vivitrol. You called me a number of times prior to this to give you Eric s car keys back and screamed that i put the money back in your account. You settled down when Merrissa s mom spoke to you and told you “look kiki you are not leaving this house until we get you into rehab. 4 hours later I get a panicked call from Merrissa saying “kiki was just picked up by Deche”. The ex boyfriend who introduced you to heroin 3 years ago. Today I have less than no hope. The lies the cheating the stealing money from the bank from your dad, and all you can say now is I need my clothes back from Eric’s car. All I want to do is to deprive you of the slightest comfort you can hold on too that will slowly kill you. Nothing naked no car no clothes no money no shelter no food how long can you possibly survive this way? How long before you finally say I surrender my life has become entirely unmanageable I will do what ever it takes to get sober?

The day after day 5

This morning i am out of bed after only 2 hours sleep. My mind is racing my protectors are up and running all over the place for a solution, for some control that we don’t really have, Self energy is deemer because there is not much room for it move around in a system on red alert. A lot parts may be thinking that they have some power over saving K’s life, but no we don’t some part are sure Kiki s on her way out and it s time to accept the loss and gently grieve. A part is asking  what kind of mode am I on right now I am highjacked by a part that is obsessing about this situation with kiki. an other part says I am so tired, fried in the brain and very confused with all of you parts’s noise will you all just shut up. An other part is also feeling overwhelmed saying with everything coming my way. Christianne lashing out on me because I lost her call taking an other call that was coming in that i thought would be of high importance regarding Kiki. Sleep deprived but unable to close my eyes and relax into a peaceful state that could cary me into a restorative sleep I missed out last night because I was not sure you would make it through. Just like the 1rst night you came out of my belly you were rushed into INBCU Intensive New Born Baby Care Unit. I was exhausted after 12 hours in labor then an emergency cesarian. Not knowing if you were still alive if you made it through I would fall asleep out of complete exhaustion the a part would wake me up alarmed screaming in my head “is she still alive” I would wake up terrified looking at the clock striking every hour of that 7th of march 2002, wishing for the arms to move faster, then looking around in this isolated room from every other mother who had their babies next to them. Thinking why a nurse had not visited me yet to let me know that you were breathing and alive. At 4am a nurse came to routinely check on me I desperately said “is my baby ok? Why do you think I have not heard anything about my baby yet? She pronounced the words “well no news is most likely good news” to reassure me. Then she hear the terror in my voice and said she would call the ICU and let me know as soon as she finds out. It took her an other 2 hours to finally get back to me and tell me that my baby made it through that she had been really sick but a whole team had worked really hard for quite some hours to get you stable. These last years I have been reliving this moment over and over again it seems. As if you are preparing for you departure before you even landed here. Back then I don’t think I would have survived you dying, my second baby, full term, ready to hold you and fall in love with you. So the words “sorry your baby did not make it” would have been felt like a stabbing in my heart. These last years my childhood has been a continuous stabbing in my heart.

An hour after I woke up Friday of course I was sleep deprived, I noticed a part in me who was devastated and wanted to  cry and let those burning but cleansing tears repair my broken heart. In parallel to this observation I also noticed an other part who was making me move smoothly through my morning routine, as if life was amazingly beautiful. I played and cuddled the cats in our little forest while having breakfast picking the berries from our bushes. Then I enjoyed this little bike ride to visit Lenny our cat in his new outdoor home few blocks away. I Looked around me, smiling, finding something ever so soft, gentle and loving. For a second this did not feel entirely right and I stepped back witnessing these two parts who were not really at peace with one another. I was disconnecting it s only once I reached out to my friend that I realize I was on survival mode after a little reality check up I noticed how those tears, grieving, had to be felt and not pushed aside and denied. I also notice that in my reality there is nothing real without my child in it because I am so blended by the mother part of me these days. Reconnecting with all of me and more, being in communication with my entire System with Self energy, the part in me that is ever so sane was found again behind this hallow space I entered in when i let the river flow of my tears move through. Of course crying, grieving, this moving energy that cleanses me of hurts, loss, sorrow, regrets, to make space for something entirely new comes and goes at any given time

2 Days after day 5
Open communication about getting your things back then the police at our house to get your Eric s car back
Do you know what God is  really ???
 God is an invisible power to our human eyes, beautiful and creative infinite space that fills the gaps between what is and is not …It is not accessible by our body senses. Between sobriety and destruction there is God …. God bleeds through a creative and supportive energy as a powerful life force seen only by a clear mind free of debris created by trauma. Reminding us that this lonely isolated journey we are in this cruel punishing  and dying world we live in, is not His creation but a simple ILLUSION. So a lie… no church will ever tell you this about God. God is life only, God exist, so death is not real. That s why you can take off your “body suit” and what s left is your mind…. imagine dropping off your body from an over dose…. you are stock until your lucky enough to find a new body and remember your function…. your purpose.
Sunday day 3 at the lake Delton police station parking lot meeting Kirk.
Saying goodbye.
It s time to say goodbye Kiki. On Saturday I was too angry to end things well with you. But today I use this last opportunity while you are still here to say goodbye.   I heard it very clear that you made your decision and there is nothing more I can do to fight  you desire to destroy your body and let it die slowly.  I am so sorry for the way it is ending for you…there is a lot of pain suffering and drama in this last chapter of your life.  I love you and I wish you a safe journey and I cherish the beautiful memories we had together for ever. My heart is heavy writting these words.  The beautiful memories we had together only, will come back to my mind and replace the last ones that were heart breaking…… I am sorry that you are choosing death over a month of rehab. This must be really hard for you. I wish I could hold your hand while you are slowing drifting away but forgive me because I don’t have enough strength and courage for that. It s too hard for me to do this.
I just wait now for that call that will tell me that you are gone. I really hope you don’t suffer too much on your way out…. Blessings Kiki and thank you for being in my life and giving me 8 years of joy and love….. all the best my love…. Your mother ….
 Goodbye
I wrote this to her dad when he asked about Kiki
If Kiki ever makes it to detox rehab recovery she will realize that her addiction her pain her suffering is hers to own only. She will also realize that she broke my heart and she will reach out to me making amend for that….. today she s still breathing, in survival mode, and the tiniest chance for her to make a different decision is waiting for her…… the man she is hanging with these days is 41 years old he has been in and out of rehab. He just came out last week and met up with Kiki…. he says he is helping her but he is struggling himself and when I text him to check up on Kiki he doesn’t replie…. he is not a bad guy he has a heart not like Deche who pick her up from Merrissa last week as she was trying so hard….. but he still uses …
Kiki says he is on Soboxone but she says that to cover up…. if this man can get himself back to rehab and take Kiki with him she may have a chance otherwise she s heading for the worse…… We are loosing her.. Like I said if she gets to rehab and does her program successfully she will slowly realize what she is doing to herself and the ppl who loves her until then she ll continue lying to herself and everyone twisting everything around, manipulating, setting ppl against each other and telling us exactly what we want to hear so she gets what she wants from us to feed her addiction
Let her go entirely and hand her over to God Monica suggested as I am sharing about this whole impossible situation about  kiki.
In my head I heard a part in me saying I thought we already did that when you cut off all contact before telling her that had to leave the house in February. She went to Eric.
On my bike the day after this conversation I saw how there was still a part in me who was burdened. This part needed Kiki and her dad to tell me that kiki s addiction Kiki s actual situation was not my fault, non of it was of my doing. I am still getting the blame for her situation her addiction for the destruction she inflicting on herself…..
How am I ever going to be free from carrying this blame. I hocked they have me this way, that is how I get motivated to fix her even though she refuses my help. That part has to be able to step back and rest and have some self energy supporting it. That part accepts the blame and feels guilty.
I had some inner wisdom whispering to me that when Kiki and her dad are blaming and having me cary any inch of guilt, this action is part of the illness that goes with addiction. It is one of the same package. I was also afraid that they would convince or contaminate my brother and the rest of the family with their lies but if anyone can not see right away the illness it is either that one is also entangled with it or not informed but at some point will realize the illness.
I think that part who felt it had to fix the mess it caused once I m able to let that part know  that this situation is not hers to fix and i check in with the system to see if any other part are still holding on to guilt the letting go fully can then take place.
Your dad half way recovered from heroin addiction is also very sick pretending he is not hiding behind a made up appearance a mask. He can fool anyone who is also walking around with a mask. Anyone true to themselves will see that facade hiding the hurt the ill. The whole time we were together I had no idea that a drug addiction recovery is not just about not using any more it is also about healing the emotional side of the addiction.
Yes you don’t just call yourself a recovered addict when you only physically stop using, drinking, over working, gambling obssesing. The physical side of a recovery is one part of it, the other part is being able to have a compassionate presence and relationship with all fragmented pain and parts within that had to turn to an inner protector  (the addict part)  that had to keep you compulsively busy thinking or using substance use at the first place. To avoid doing only one very important aspect of recovery, healing and growing up, and that is offering a loving acceptance and a safe space within to any parts that shows up inside that is still hurting…..  The moment I blame or shame or feel uncomfortable seeing someone in pain outside of me I can slow down and ask what the discomfort is trying to tell me. What is that urge to judge what is the need behind the judgment. Often it will be an inner fragment who has not had an opportunity to be seen nor heard by ourselves.
Personally a pretty big part in me is not very forgiving and fond of the mentally ill part and the addicted part that my loved one has been complete highjacked by. If that part in me had highjacked me entirely, it could get a gun and shoot the addict, as an attempt to save the other parts waiting to be saved. However there is a new PERSPECTIVE I have been looking into lately, I am not supper familiar on how to navigate around this yet and I ll come come to explain more what i mean about not knowing how the navigate.
I have learned that the part who developed into a an pathology an illness or a food, drug, activity, pleasure, addict, well first, is only A PART, not your whole being. That part came alive to protect you, when no other adults part out or in you was present in guiding you through, intense feelings arising from emotional pain. To protect you from going insane in your own head when you tortured yourself with scary and critical thoughts. The addict sooth, protects it is saving you and it s intention is well meant momentarily but in a long run when you decide to depend on that part  fully it destroys you, it takes over and controls your whole inner system. The inner or outer presence of a loving adult, not hijacked by parts and exiles, would be an amazing choice to make today to regain healthy and a sane control and reconnecting you to your authenticity, to reconnect with your life force. The compassionate, calm, curious, creative, courageous, adult in you waiting for you to turn to It and follow it’s guidance.
 Of course the protector is not aware that it is also doing damages and creating more dissociating further with our authenticity …..
A relapse my ass. I had a relapse it was just a relapse. Back in Feb when you stay with us for 4 months. No….this was not a relapse, you were using the whole time you lived with us and daily you lied about you being sober. You slept the whole day and in the afternoon you had to go to quick trip….you disappeared for an hour and came back to our house hiding your high. I could see it in your eyes in the tone of your voice the way you were extra nice to Bastiaan to distract us from seeing what was really going on.
The day you truly decide to turn your life around and you go through your recovery with complete honesty then only some truth will be spoken out of your mouth not before.

A week after your addict part toke control of all of you.  Kidnaping my daughter and pointing the finger towards me making me responsible for not being able to rescue the part in you who wants to live but is to afraid of reintegrating into an intoxicated mind and body. Telling everyone my mom is abandoning me once again  leaving me to save myself I can’t do this alone I need her. Her expectations are too high of me. forcing me to go to rehab for three month. I often hear ppl s discomfort in hearing me talking about this absolutely impossible situation. I also often hear ppl s comfort in giving me advise. I get that what I am going through will trigger some reactions within from unresolved trauma around loss or unblocked energies around the hidden fear that every mother carry, of loosing a child for any reason. Or remembering a parent loosing a kid that became an unprocessed trauma.

Post on facebook I wrote.
At the age of 2 I already see the heaviness in your eyes hidden behind such cuteness Kikou. I wish I could say more but what I feel is so much more right now…. I pray for my broken heart to heal with only love ….. no resentments no guilt just love……. the pain of loosing you is bringing me to my knees and I let the silence embrace me.
Some of you have asked me if my daughter had passed the answer to this is
No….
She is very unwell and at high risk at the moment….. And everytime my phone rings….. or a car pulls over in our drive way…. My first thought is one of a mother who expects the worse… I have no control over this…. These last 2 weeks have been 2 of the hardest…. I have a lot of support it is a recovery for me and it is a minute to minute thing.. Not to loose it …. And watch out for that reactive mode as I have entered a survival mode phase naturally…. I am learning to embrasse this phase not to fight it or deny it but accept fully that this is where I am right now…. Prayers are so welcome thank you…..
Sunday August 8 2021 I didn’t pay for my IFS therapy session yet, very unlike me to be behind on payment. I usually get reminders in my head with a dose of anxiety to get me to make that payment. Today the loudest reminders and dose of anxiety is about my dying daughter. My mind is cluttered with this constant chatter telling me over and over what I should say to her to get her to wake up. It s telling me I m not on her case enough and I need to spank her out of her misery just like my dad would have done for me… My dad if I ever came to him high or crying for help he would have punched me in the face and that would ve probably save my ass. Do I need to punch her in the face to save her life. Is that what she s waiting for from me that I remain loyal to the family tradition that has to be passed on to her????? Says my fix all problems part.
It s very conflicted and noisy in my system right now. Some parts are letting me know that I am not handling this Kiki thing well enough. Other parts are yelling at those opposing parts to shut up, because “we are doing the best we know and can do. I interrupted my writing to go and turn off the payment alert part off in my head who was getting seriously worried. Now my laptop is making this “I am going to brake down any time now” sound. I don’t think i am complete with what I wanted to share this morning mainly to clear my system of the idea that I am not listening…. Writing is a tool i use to listen to my hard working parts and let them know i am here that i see them and hear them. This way the noise in my mind becomes a silence and I can think and see clearer. No need for chemical to control this.
FB parent  support group interactions Saturday.
Reply to a mother.
Thank you and yes you are right that is an approach that some counselors use and some of what she said was true, depending however on where one is in his own process of dealing with his or her child struggling with A…. I do like when I am asked a question the chance to give an answer and not have her answer made up for me. She was not curious about my situation but assuming how things were for me…. I was the tough school for my kid myself I never paid for her phone plan her car loan or insurance… I never gave her pocket money or money for her to pay her rent or her food… I bought her food and took her out to eat earlier in the stuggle but after 5 years of not really moving anywhere I have cut off communication and has no way to rely on me as long as she is determined to use anything in give her to destroy herself…. You see this lady didnt even try and figure out where I was in this journey instead she put in a box and threw strategies at me demanding I use them if I want to keep my daughter alive….. No counselor should throw such burden on a parent who s dealing with “not knowing if their child is going to make it today”
A letter to my daughter
After remembering those words No I don’t trust you give me my passport back you block me  on social media why should I trust you.

Blocking you out of my life is MY WAY to deal with the escrutiating existing pain of a mother seeing her child playing a victim to the point of self destruction that only ends in the death of your body and you remaining stock in limbo land for God knows how many more lives.

Heroin, Fentanyl, destructive behavior, and Drama is YOUR way to escape and deal with the pain you are just not mature enough to embrass fully and let go of….

Me blocking you is me saying I can’t take anymore PAIN….

The pain of seeing my daughter playing a poor victim who needs external saving….
Kiki you are not a victim and you don’t need to be saved by anyone BUT YOURSELF
You really can be your own worse enemy
And you can turn this around by learning to become your best friend…this learning starts in Rehab for you no where else ….
I know you want to prove me and everyone else wrong because it is so much easier to be a passive aggressive victim than a hard working loving best friend for yourself….
It is so much easier to blame your condition your self neglect your self abandonment on me or on others than to see that, YOU are DOING this TO YOURSELF. And it is easier to convince yourself and other ppl around you that you can manipulate that I DID THIS TO YOU. It s easier to convince yourself that you are bad your stupid you r all the bad thing you believe about yourself than to actually believe good things about yourself when you are not using drugs.

It is easier for you to hate yourself and others than to love yourself and others ….
What is that all about????

finally if you choose to reamin in that victim role you are a victim but only of how your mind plays tricks with you….. You are abandoning, hurting, destroying yourself no one else is doing it to you, unless you give them the power…..
I block you when I see I am starting to give my power away to you and also abandone and neglect myself to give power to the dramas you try and get me involve into….
I know that it will take years of maturity for you to fully grasps all that I am saying to you right now….

Second letter.

Happyness come from with being free…. You are free you are happy

TRUE FREEDOM is not you getting your way to feed your sickness with more sickness. True freedom is not feeding your addiction with more drugs ….. True freedom is not you going to back London and getting a diploma, having a B passport. True freedom is not being served by your dad and turning passive and greasy.

True freedom is not a lot of money and not a new location. Or the perfect boyfriend .

TRUE FREEDOM is Freedom from our own survival automatic responses….
Our own programmed defense mechanisms that we use to deal with  life’s challenges…..

Do you know what your own survival automatic response are ?

Well think about it for a moment.

and if you find what those are, and you start learning how to become free from them. In learning new healthier habits

You will become one of the happiest person I know ….

Because that s all you have to focus on from now on, walking away from what you ve learned in the past and learning new healthy responses…
Easy said that done YES but that’s your only freedom kiki please pray for that to happen for you everyday until you get your way to rehab and even when you are there keep on praying for

Being free from your own automatic responses…..

Here is the prayer that will free you up.

God, Life force , high power, Angels mother earth, show me what my survival automatic responses are

and also show me how to become free from those automatic responses that are destroying me and my life…. So I can be free.

Amen

 

It doesnt matter where you are with whom and how high or how much you r struggling.
If this prayer is the first words you use when you first wake up and the last words before you sleep I promise you a miracle will happen to you ….

You will get the exact help you need. You just have to want the help more than the drama and the darsession

My counseling session Tuesd 10 July

A revelation

We were set up to fail my daughter and I. Broken this little kid inside was sure that this one relationship will fail and it did and when the first signs of this relationship begun to show up I remember feeling pain inside and thinking that she was doing this to me. It felt like betrayal.

How can a 2 year old betray her mother. Of course thats impossible. The mother is meant to guide the child when she makes mistakes, crosses boundaries, experiment with pain and power

So here it is the child in me who was mad, who was jealous and resented you, because you liked your dad better than you liked me because with him there was no limit to what you could do, say and how much you received… Everything you asked for your dad you had the power around him to get it served on a golden plate put into your mouth with a golden spoon… For no other good reason than simply being a cute but also a spoiled entititled daddy s brat…. Ppl, me, other kids have to achieve, make progress, do chores, help around, tidy up around them, have good grades, sometime work hard to get things. You just had to asked to point at, no hard work on your end. I on the other end had to work so hard to untrain that system you had in place with your dad and imposed up on our relationship…this fake empowring system you absolutly loved to practice with your dad was slowly disconnecting us. I was becoming the bad cup amd i hated that role you r dad the good cop amd that wasnt fare. It was not fare because I was raising you by myself and he got all the credit for that. I was so mad at your dad and so mad at you for being so blind. For becoming someone I didnt want you to become, spoiled and totally depending on someone else’s
strenght to do and get everything you wanted in your life. You were becoming more and more passive within you and expecting others to be active on your behalf because dad did it for you and told you he loved you.
I felt I was loosing a battle with your dad and so I told you that you should stay with your dad through the school year so he gets to be responsible and you see him truly and you can come and visit me during vacations and you and I we now get to do fun things.

But it did not work like that things didnt magically changed with your dad in fact the complete opposite happened and this has been a disaster and it continues being a disaster today. You continue expecting demanding that I go along with your and your dad s system and I continue saying no to it and you I today are so far apart and you have chosen your dad over me….his system over a style of life I would like you to learn….