Day one of not using. I picked you up from Merrissa on Sunday drove us to the river and that was the last sort of precious moment I would have with you. As if this had been a set up to say our good goodbyes because if from this point on you do not save yourself by going to rehab things are surly going down hill. As I am writing these words of a tired and broken hearted mother, it is 6 days after day one and you have already made it clear that you were not ready to save yourself. After this out of time moment with you on the beach, i am about to drive you back to Merrissa for you to spend your 2nd night and you slowly move into this space in your mind that is ran by an anxious part in you. You tell me how scared you are of Merrissa that she threatens to bit you up if you don’t to help with the babies that she steals your clothes that she took your make up bag that I don’t know how heartless she is that she is fighting and with her boyfriend all the time and you can’t sleep. How you are unable to rest and sleep deprived at her house. How dark the energy in her house is and how that is affecting the way you feel and interfering with your sobriety. Then you beg me to get you a nicotine pen knowing that I don’t like to get those for you. You convince me that it helps with your anxiety and it s better than Heroin.Then pressure me into getting a shower at our house because if your do it at Merrissa she will steal your underwear. I feel the pulled energetically, manipulated into your sphere of caos
Will we ever see each other again? you asked me and Julien as we happily exchanged through WhatsApp. Julien replied yes we will.
How disconnected can you possibly be from the part of you who wants to live and reconnect with yourself in a real way. From the part of you who needs to move through some discomfort and growing up pain. How far removed are you from your authentic Self? I see you noticing the suffering you are causing you own heart at a distance and you are not able to see that the torturous life style you chose for yourself is also affecting everyone around you as well as your mother’s heart. The part of you who adores your mother who likes herself has been locked away lost it’s power it s voice and must be feeling terrified today. This part of you, you are now neglecting and pushing away to shut up, has a result of being neglected from her parents as a child, is not getting your protection, instead it is having you abandon and terrorize that little authentic part and as the day goes by you are disconnecting further away from this playful happy loving part of you. Your terror to survive this complicated world is making you gravitate into this box I drew you in into an isolated trap. Attracted into a bubble of substance users and dealers, that the rest of the world shame and turn their back on, fearing to see a part in themselves, in that condition that we have luckily escaped, but you my child, my only daughter did not escape it. Everyone has endured some sort of childhood trauma and gets left out in fear of facing the harshness of the world without mercy. Everyone turns into some type of addictive behaviors to remedy the emotional pain no one seems to have learn to process through. The truth is that it is easy for anyone to make the choice of falling into that trap, in fact most ppl at even a small percentage have fallen into the trap of addiction. Some less destructive and less obvious than you. But why choosing heroin over all other addictions, when we had spoken thoroughly about how the long term us of that drug had delimitated and destroyed your father’s life.You saw how hard is life is even though he like to blame it on everyone and everything else but how destructive he was towards himself for so many years. For some valid reasons you have you chose to surround yourself with the crowd who have given up on themselves. All I see in you, what s left of you, these last couple of time we connected, in your eyes , your body posture, your words, your attitude, is the suffering that yells ever so loud ‘I am a piece of shit, I am nothing, I hate myself, I am so ashamed of how i turned out to be”.
As I am noticing how toxic you are to yourself, with the lack healthy nutrient you would normally feed your body with. The 5% nicotine pod you stick between your broken and abused lips every 10 seconds. Your lungs and respiratory track are so inflamed by smoking heroin and fentanal. Under your eyes it looks bruised by the lack of sleep but mostly by how worn out you feel. Your skin is purplish and pale, your face is swollen full of black head. This slow torturous inflicted death is one of the hardest thing a mother has to witness in her child. It is so hard to see you this way the way you have been in this condition for last 4 years going down hill from then. I feel so sad so angry. Your dad blaming me holding me responsible for what is happening with you.
Once again I have spend the last few days giving blindly it seems, all my strength, my energy at making one more attempt to save you just enough to have you take over and regain some power over your own destructive parts, having to fix you so you can breath a couple of breath above water, fishing you out of this deadly and drowning lake of heroin you are bathing yourself in, running like a chicken without a head looking for a treatment, a program, for you to get yourself in a place where you can feel safe again and you don’t have to create situation for yourself that brings you further away from how beautiful you are. All these attempts to save you but this time not able to rely on your success to bring the slightest satisfaction of hope in me.
Yes today, finally, I am not able to hope that my efforts to help you move through this hell you are in right now, are going to be a success. Who am I kidding? You can lie to me swearing that you don’t and i see through most of those lies, in fact now I know that most everything that comes out of you month is a lie as long as you still have some desire to get high again. The fact is You do still want to get high. The battle is not over. On your first day of detox you went from saying ” this is it mom i swear i m done i hit rock bottom” to I wish i could get high one more time”.
As you shared some of the most horrible things that happened to you this one and first week you find yourself homeless, the pain and trauma you have endured, you still believe heroin can fix that. You also think that your only problem is your physical attachment to the substance, that your mind and all the scary thoughts that talk to you all day long, have no active role in your addiction.
As you and your dad keep on holding to the belief that I am responsible for your addiction and the mess you are in today, you continue feeding yourselves as victims and slaves of something creating a messed up reality for you.
The truth is i don’t have to get out of my way to help you get out of a situation you strongly believe i created for you and you can’t see where your own responsibility is. If i do anything is out of choice. If one day you do wake up out of this night mare you will clearly see that I am not responsible for the self inflicted pain you and your dad put up with. I am in pain not just because it is hard for a mother to see her child suffering, I am in pain because I have learned that pain is to be avoided afraid of denied and kept hidden.
I am noticing that you still believe that it is my responsibly only, to keep you safe, and take care of your basic needs. To carry you out of the mess you made for yourself and think of it as my mess to clean up for not being there for you and you needed me as a little girl. To be proactive and carry out most of the unconscious decisions you work out with the addict part of you. All the calls for you to get you to rehab, the expenses and cost for your driving tickets. When you come out of rehab the dream life of a princess you have been so righteously fought for these last 6 years is finally waiting for you. Because in your mind mom has to make up for the time she was not there for me.
I am also aware that one of your protectors is working hard at setting ppl against one another to get sympathy and obtain what you would not get otherwise. To my face and other’s too, you tell us exactly what we want and love to hear. you position yourself as a victim that needs saving then you lay out your expectation and most of the time you get your way. This manipulating strategy you are using is making you believe firmly that you only get your want meet this way. What you want is not always for your best interest but somehow a part in you is firmly convinced that it is.
Last night on my way to work as I drove to M to give you the inhalers 1rst when i saw your car was not parked by her house it took my breath away, 2nd instead of screaming defeat I wanted to give you the benefit of a doubt by checking in with M who could explain that you had had not taken off and gotten a heroin fix after being sober for 3 days. I rung the bell and quickly stepped down the 4 steps when i heard the dogs barking. I waited for the door to open then M’s mom showed up. Upset ready for me to have a go at her on a defensive mode for what had happened the last 30 minutes. She closes the door behind her and starts with the words I am so mad at her right now” then explains really fast what had happened and all i did put my hands on my head saying shit…. no….. shit… oh no. M’s mom had spoken so fast that I don’t think I fully understood what she was trying to tell me. So I tried slowing down to stay a little centered and I asked where is Kiki right now? she replied at the hospital, getting checked up for STDs and her coughing, but don’t worry M is with her she ll make sure they don’t prescribe her fentanyl for pain like they religiously do now days. A little reassured but still puzzled by it all I asked M’s mother to go over what had happened prior to them going to the hospital. So she explained once more that K was struggling through her day sober tossing and turning in bed in pain. M’s mom encouraged to take more of the comfort med Dc Ted H had prescribed her. She took more meds and fell asleep 2 hours later she shows up out of bed and asks M to give her the keys of her car. M asked why K said i need to get something in my car…. But in truth a dealer had gotten hold of her letting her know he had free heroin for her if she picked him up and gave him a ride places. Most substance users and some dealers loose their driving privileges and k still has her DVL and so she gets an exchange this way, free drugs for a free ride.
Luckily M got inside the car before k had the chance to drive off. So k used this opportunity to drive to the ER.
This morning I feel heavyhearted I woke up from a dream where I had lost most of my teeth on the left side of my mouth. A clear and loud voice in my head giving me some anxious and building me up for my nest moves keeps telling that k is not going to make it. That entire day this voice loyaly guided me to keep k safe. Check her back account oh my God she got into her dad s head and he transferred $400 into her account right that morning when the addict part of is screaming at her to find any possible way to survive and not starve herself of heroin/fentanyl. I transferred the money into my savings account I drove to Merrissa who handed me K car key, called Eric to make sure she would not have access to a spare one. I called Dave the pastor in Minnesota to see if a room in rehab was opening up for her. We got into a 3 way call and k was fully blended with the part in her who hypnotizes her to disregard anything anyone has to say unless it is “here you are K 2 points of heroin for you just one last time before you get to rehab”…. These were the words she pronounced to P when he called her later and encourage her to go through the craving and the withdrawal symptoms she was badly enduring on her day 4th of her sobriety. He was pushing really hard to have her value her life more than the part in her who thinks that getting heroin is a life death occurrence, which it was….. I heard in the sound of her voice how her addicted part was making this genius attempt to discourage me to help her. “You dumb bitch” those are the words that part will use knowing that a part in me has absolutely no tolerance for verbal abuse special from my child. I was able to remain with a lot of Self energy who could see straight through that her addict part has highjacked her system and the little girl who adores her mother is locked away not able to even ask for my help…..
Day 5 of not using. Yesterday you were watched by Merrissa as you swallowed your second half pill of Vivitrol. You called me a number of times prior to this to give you Eric s car keys back and screamed that i put the money back in your account. You settled down when Merrissa s mom spoke to you and told you “look kiki you are not leaving this house until we get you into rehab. 4 hours later I get a panicked call from Merrissa saying “kiki was just picked up by Deche”. The ex boyfriend who introduced you to heroin 3 years ago. Today I have less than no hope. The lies the cheating the stealing money from the bank from your dad, and all you can say now is I need my clothes back from Eric’s car. All I want to do is to deprive you of the slightest comfort you can hold on too that will slowly kill you. Nothing naked no car no clothes no money no shelter no food how long can you possibly survive this way? How long before you finally say I surrender my life has become entirely unmanageable I will do what ever it takes to get sober?
The day after day 5
This morning i am out of bed after only 2 hours sleep. My mind is racing my protectors are up and running all over the place for a solution, for some control that we don’t really have, Self energy is deemer because there is not much room for it move around in a system on red alert. A lot parts may be thinking that they have some power over saving K’s life, but no we don’t some part are sure Kiki s on her way out and it s time to accept the loss and gently grieve. A part is asking what kind of mode am I on right now I am highjacked by a part that is obsessing about this situation with kiki. an other part says I am so tired, fried in the brain and very confused with all of you parts’s noise will you all just shut up. An other part is also feeling overwhelmed saying with everything coming my way. Christianne lashing out on me because I lost her call taking an other call that was coming in that i thought would be of high importance regarding Kiki. Sleep deprived but unable to close my eyes and relax into a peaceful state that could cary me into a restorative sleep I missed out last night because I was not sure you would make it through. Just like the 1rst night you came out of my belly you were rushed into INBCU Intensive New Born Baby Care Unit. I was exhausted after 12 hours in labor then an emergency cesarian. Not knowing if you were still alive if you made it through I would fall asleep out of complete exhaustion the a part would wake me up alarmed screaming in my head “is she still alive” I would wake up terrified looking at the clock striking every hour of that 7th of march 2002, wishing for the arms to move faster, then looking around in this isolated room from every other mother who had their babies next to them. Thinking why a nurse had not visited me yet to let me know that you were breathing and alive. At 4am a nurse came to routinely check on me I desperately said “is my baby ok? Why do you think I have not heard anything about my baby yet? She pronounced the words “well no news is most likely good news” to reassure me. Then she hear the terror in my voice and said she would call the ICU and let me know as soon as she finds out. It took her an other 2 hours to finally get back to me and tell me that my baby made it through that she had been really sick but a whole team had worked really hard for quite some hours to get you stable. These last years I have been reliving this moment over and over again it seems. As if you are preparing for you departure before you even landed here. Back then I don’t think I would have survived you dying, my second baby, full term, ready to hold you and fall in love with you. So the words “sorry your baby did not make it” would have been felt like a stabbing in my heart. These last years my childhood has been a continuous stabbing in my heart.
An hour after I woke up Friday of course I was sleep deprived, I noticed a part in me who was devastated and wanted to cry and let those burning but cleansing tears repair my broken heart. In parallel to this observation I also noticed an other part who was making me move smoothly through my morning routine, as if life was amazingly beautiful. I played and cuddled the cats in our little forest while having breakfast picking the berries from our bushes. Then I enjoyed this little bike ride to visit Lenny our cat in his new outdoor home few blocks away. I Looked around me, smiling, finding something ever so soft, gentle and loving. For a second this did not feel entirely right and I stepped back witnessing these two parts who were not really at peace with one another. I was disconnecting it s only once I reached out to my friend that I realize I was on survival mode after a little reality check up I noticed how those tears, grieving, had to be felt and not pushed aside and denied. I also notice that in my reality there is nothing real without my child in it because I am so blended by the mother part of me these days. Reconnecting with all of me and more, being in communication with my entire System with Self energy, the part in me that is ever so sane was found again behind this hallow space I entered in when i let the river flow of my tears move through. Of course crying, grieving, this moving energy that cleanses me of hurts, loss, sorrow, regrets, to make space for something entirely new comes and goes at any given time
A week after your addict part toke control of all of you. Kidnaping my daughter and pointing the finger towards me making me responsible for not being able to rescue the part in you who wants to live but is to afraid of reintegrating into an intoxicated mind and body. Telling everyone my mom is abandoning me once again leaving me to save myself I can’t do this alone I need her. Her expectations are too high of me. forcing me to go to rehab for three month. I often hear ppl s discomfort in hearing me talking about this absolutely impossible situation. I also often hear ppl s comfort in giving me advise. I get that what I am going through will trigger some reactions within from unresolved trauma around loss or unblocked energies around the hidden fear that every mother carry, of loosing a child for any reason. Or remembering a parent loosing a kid that became an unprocessed trauma.
Blocking you out of my life is MY WAY to deal with the escrutiating existing pain of a mother seeing her child playing a victim to the point of self destruction that only ends in the death of your body and you remaining stock in limbo land for God knows how many more lives.
Heroin, Fentanyl, destructive behavior, and Drama is YOUR way to escape and deal with the pain you are just not mature enough to embrass fully and let go of….
Me blocking you is me saying I can’t take anymore PAIN….
The pain of seeing my daughter playing a poor victim who needs external saving….
Kiki you are not a victim and you don’t need to be saved by anyone BUT YOURSELF
You really can be your own worse enemy
And you can turn this around by learning to become your best friend…this learning starts in Rehab for you no where else ….
I know you want to prove me and everyone else wrong because it is so much easier to be a passive aggressive victim than a hard working loving best friend for yourself….
It is so much easier to blame your condition your self neglect your self abandonment on me or on others than to see that, YOU are DOING this TO YOURSELF. And it is easier to convince yourself and other ppl around you that you can manipulate that I DID THIS TO YOU. It s easier to convince yourself that you are bad your stupid you r all the bad thing you believe about yourself than to actually believe good things about yourself when you are not using drugs.
It is easier for you to hate yourself and others than to love yourself and others ….
What is that all about????
finally if you choose to reamin in that victim role you are a victim but only of how your mind plays tricks with you….. You are abandoning, hurting, destroying yourself no one else is doing it to you, unless you give them the power…..
I block you when I see I am starting to give my power away to you and also abandone and neglect myself to give power to the dramas you try and get me involve into….
I know that it will take years of maturity for you to fully grasps all that I am saying to you right now….
Second letter.
Happyness come from with being free…. You are free you are happy
TRUE FREEDOM is not you getting your way to feed your sickness with more sickness. True freedom is not feeding your addiction with more drugs ….. True freedom is not you going to back London and getting a diploma, having a B passport. True freedom is not being served by your dad and turning passive and greasy.
True freedom is not a lot of money and not a new location. Or the perfect boyfriend .
TRUE FREEDOM is Freedom from our own survival automatic responses….
Our own programmed defense mechanisms that we use to deal with life’s challenges…..
Do you know what your own survival automatic response are ?
Well think about it for a moment.
and if you find what those are, and you start learning how to become free from them. In learning new healthier habits
You will become one of the happiest person I know ….
Because that s all you have to focus on from now on, walking away from what you ve learned in the past and learning new healthy responses…
Easy said that done YES but that’s your only freedom kiki please pray for that to happen for you everyday until you get your way to rehab and even when you are there keep on praying for
Being free from your own automatic responses…..
Here is the prayer that will free you up.
God, Life force , high power, Angels mother earth, show me what my survival automatic responses are
and also show me how to become free from those automatic responses that are destroying me and my life…. So I can be free.
Amen
It doesnt matter where you are with whom and how high or how much you r struggling.
If this prayer is the first words you use when you first wake up and the last words before you sleep I promise you a miracle will happen to you ….
You will get the exact help you need. You just have to want the help more than the drama and the darsession
My counseling session Tuesd 10 July
A revelation
We were set up to fail my daughter and I. Broken this little kid inside was sure that this one relationship will fail and it did and when the first signs of this relationship begun to show up I remember feeling pain inside and thinking that she was doing this to me. It felt like betrayal.
How can a 2 year old betray her mother. Of course thats impossible. The mother is meant to guide the child when she makes mistakes, crosses boundaries, experiment with pain and power
So here it is the child in me who was mad, who was jealous and resented you, because you liked your dad better than you liked me because with him there was no limit to what you could do, say and how much you received… Everything you asked for your dad you had the power around him to get it served on a golden plate put into your mouth with a golden spoon… For no other good reason than simply being a cute but also a spoiled entititled daddy s brat…. Ppl, me, other kids have to achieve, make progress, do chores, help around, tidy up around them, have good grades, sometime work hard to get things. You just had to asked to point at, no hard work on your end. I on the other end had to work so hard to untrain that system you had in place with your dad and imposed up on our relationship…this fake empowring system you absolutly loved to practice with your dad was slowly disconnecting us. I was becoming the bad cup amd i hated that role you r dad the good cop amd that wasnt fare. It was not fare because I was raising you by myself and he got all the credit for that. I was so mad at your dad and so mad at you for being so blind. For becoming someone I didnt want you to become, spoiled and totally depending on someone else’s
strenght to do and get everything you wanted in your life. You were becoming more and more passive within you and expecting others to be active on your behalf because dad did it for you and told you he loved you.
I felt I was loosing a battle with your dad and so I told you that you should stay with your dad through the school year so he gets to be responsible and you see him truly and you can come and visit me during vacations and you and I we now get to do fun things.
But it did not work like that things didnt magically changed with your dad in fact the complete opposite happened and this has been a disaster and it continues being a disaster today. You continue expecting demanding that I go along with your and your dad s system and I continue saying no to it and you I today are so far apart and you have chosen your dad over me….his system over a style of life I would like you to learn….
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