Still editing

Once you are sobber and you have support for your mental illness you can call me and talk to me before that you are on own destroying yourself I want no part in it that s what I mean by not being your mother anymore. As long as you are the way you are right now I can be part of that I don’t want to be a mother to that destructive machine you replaced my daughter with….. This lying dark manipulating obsessed with drama machine you are operating on is not my daughter and will never be so get off of my daughter

 

You couldn’t stand Merrissa s darkness who was helping you to save your life but you can stand the darkness you are in right now that will kill you…
What does that tell you ????
It tells me you are very ill and you need serious support and help and I only support that nothing else ….

 

Blocking you out of my life is MY WAY to deal with the escrutiating existing pain of a mother seeing her child playing a victim to the point of self destruction that only ends in the death of your body and you remaining stock in limbo land for God knows how many more lives.

Heroin, Fentanyl, destructive behavior, and Drama is YOUR way to escape and deal with the pain you are just not mature enough to embrass fully and let go of….

Me blocking you is me saying I can’t take anymore PAIN….

The pain of seeing my daughter playing a poor victim who needs external saving….
Kiki you are not a victim and you don’t need to be saved by anyone BUT YOURSELF
You really can be your own worse enemy
And you can turn this around by learning to become your best friend…this learning starts in Rehab for you no where else ….
I know you want to prove me and everyone else wrong because it is so much easier to be a passive aggressive victim than a hard working loving best friend for yourself….
It is so much easier to blame your condition your self neglect your self abandonment on me or on others than to see that, YOU are DOING this TO YOURSELF. And it is easier to convince yourself and other ppl around you that you can manipulate that I DID THIS TO YOU. It s easier to convince yourself that you are bad your stupid you r all the bad thing you believe about yourself than to actually believe good things about yourself when you are not using drugs.

It is easier for you to hate yourself and others than to love yourself and others ….
What is that all about????

finally if you choose to reamin in that victim role you are a victim but only of how your mind plays tricks with you….. You are abandoning, hurting, destroying yourself no one else is doing it to you, unless you give them the power…..
I block you when I see I am starting to give my power away to you and also abandone and neglect myself to give power to the dramas you try and get me involve into….
I know that it will take years of maturity for you to fully grasps all that I am saying to you right now….

 

Bastiaan keeps telling me that you will survive and pull through, you will struggle further and go deeper into so much darkness because you are a slow learner but at some point something inside you that you can not control will say “enough” ” I m done being destructive” “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired”…. We will be waiting for you when you are beyond this point until then this dark path you chose is yours to walk alone ….

As a child with your dad there was no limit to what you couldn’t do and there was not limit to what you couldn’t have….You have insisted that this was so with everyone in your life and in doing so you have pushed everyone out, you have abandoned yourself in keeping this system of being falsely empowered going. You have made me an enemy by insisting that I give you your way all the time even when I knew your way was destructive….

You were fighting me to death so that I let you have it all even when all was being used to hurt you…
Then when you ve questioned this horrible system you got yourself trapped into because your dad didn’t know how to help you with your emotions and I was on the other side of the ocean, your dad told you over and over again that your real problem was me having left you with him ….

Now you know kiki at least in your head that your real struggle is your expectations of others, that you get your way to make up for strong emotions being felt inside you can’t deal with…

Go to a psychologist and tell the her or him exactly that this is what is really killing you …. You want my help here it is all mapped out for you….

 

If your dad had been able to set limits with you to teach you that NO is a safe word, just like you see Merrissa had to set limits with Zion and tell him No at times, you would not have such high expectation on everyone. Other ppl s limits and NOs would not be such a threat to you. You would say OK to a NO instead of fighting it. When others see your way is not always kind to you and tell you you are going to far and they don’t want to go along with you, you would not think ppl don’t like you and you would not feel rejected and abandoned by others….. That s why teaching that NO is safe to children is a must and when that NO become a threats addiction also becomes a threat. Because your system will not even accept you saying NO to drugs use or others addictions….