The last time I saw you, at the lake Delton parking lot. Picking up your bags of clothes from B’ s car, saying goodbye for ever because this whole situation is…..hopeless. Kirk, probably high, telling me that now is the time you really need me in your life, that he was taking care of you these days because you had no idea how to take care of yourself….and what do I do with this information? This situation appears like I am lifting an unmanageable load, like carrying one of these big mountains I remember starring at as I just arrived in the Pyrenees to visit my grandmother for the summer. This seems all so big all so impossible. Lately through therapy and personal work I was able to finally realize and established with myself that at this point in my life I am not able to remain sober emotionally around anyone who is out of control with his or her struggle with addiction. In the past this statement was still valid but I was not aware of that and I would gravitate around anyone acting out and making it about me just like I learned to do with my dad. As a kid then a young adult I was held responsible for the reason my dad would make the choice to emotionally disregulate to spill out a resentment he had not processed so it turned into rage. I was also responsible for the consequences that came with his rage, that was abandonment and as a result I would feel guilt, shame wallow in that mixture and feel like I was a total failure. Sitting by myself with that reality that was mine was ever so hard. When Kirk said “she needs your help” I reacted and said no she obviously doesn’t. She is pushing with all that she has left in her my help away, and as long as she refuses to invite me even at the extremities of her heart, fully committed to accept my support I can only remain at a distance. It is so hard offering my help to you and not get in return your hand to accept it, a small opening in your heart to welcome it. All these years after you made a firm decision that you were on your own, that you no longer needed me to guide you in becoming a responsible independent maturing young lady I have had the hardest job as a parent, to set up boundaries to limit the hurt you inflicted on yourself and to step back and see you fall hard. The beginnings were so hard I would fall hard along with you thinking I would never rise again, but I did. I did I rose again and I kept going. A strength I can t explain brought me into a new moment. Was I closing off and protecting myself from more hurt? Yes I was and that must have been really hard for you, and to top it up more distance were created between us then on. So this morning at 3 it s not your call that wakes me up but Netflix urging me to let him out. So I picked my self up dragged myself to the front door and out Netflix went. I remembered we had texted back and forth to meet up at Starbucks later on that day but then after our exchange you sent me a text about you not wanting me discussing your new plans with Chris to anyone. This interaction turned a little sour and so I didn’t know what next nor what to expect since you had left my last text unanswered. So at 3am after letting Netflix out for his early morning hunting I texted you. “ are we still meeting up today?” And you replied yes! As if you had expected it to be so. I drove to north freedom and opposite the primary school I use to drive Lucia and Oliver, I see the single wide mobile home park where you are staying these days. You enter my car with 2 thick envelopes in your hands and an exciting smile on your face carrying them. Chris sent me those you say. In jail ppl have to communicate with the outside world the same way I use to communicate with my friends and family before cells phones showed up in our world. It was a satisfying experience to see you holding these two envelopes. To see you open one-off them and pulled out the envelope two A4 pages, written back and front then seeing you rushing through the words eating them up like a starving child eats up a small peace a bred he picked up on the side of the road. Seeing you reading through I realized that only this yummy feeling of falling in love could have carried your eyes through these long 4 pages. I saw you giggled and you shared a couple of sentences to me out loud when Chris complimented you or played with words and that amused you. A part in me felt disappointment for not getting this need for connection being met with you. But then an other part stepped in and reminded that part that connecting with you has to be a very slow process, nothing deep until we have more of a solid ground in place between us. There has been so much hurt and disappointment that came out of this “using drugs situation” my reaction to the pain as left you with a sense of betrayal that opening up to me can only happen either through a recovery program or a brand new approach. The part in me who takes over protect a little part in me that is still so fragile, that coming to me with more hurt is not always safe for anyone. You have learn that much about me. I have lost some of my friends and family members including my brother and parents in reacting to the pain they carry in themselves. I am not always safe to be around if or when you hurt. I take on your hurt then resent you for it and react. My reaction throws back to pain at you and more. As I sitting down driving next to you I am aware of the part part in me who is ready to have a very stimulated conversation with you unless I simply pay attention to it. So I did I told the part in my inner world that she did very well pointing out what was going on for her and that she could now take a break and that I in Self energy had the capacity to work with the situation. I felt a shift and quick release energetically. I could then stay present with the situation and soon enough you had to put those letters down and get on with our next little adventure. As I am writing these words I am wishing I had realized years ago that before parenting you or trying to change or fix the situation you were exposing me to I certainly do need to reparent some little parts in my inner world first. Once we got to Starbucks I had two other opportunities to practice noticing almost being high jacked by a part in me and with Self energy asking the part to step back before it took full control of our moment together and made a mess out of it. Each time I was able to catch one of my inner little one in action, trying and run the show, I would acknowledge the part and giving her something more fun to do than fighting with you. I would be more present with you and anything I had to say came from a place where Self energy was leading. More curiosity and calm would flow in our conversation….. The one time you had me challenged was the part when you came out of the bathroom for the 3rd time and when you sat yourself back down and you spoke to me I notice a change in your voice and in the way you looked at me. Your eyes were blinking slower your eyes when you stared into my eyes moved side way and slow as if you were suddenly very very tired. Of course a part in me thought “shit you went to the bathroom to use” and of course everything is possible. You using in the bathroom is possible and you not using in the bathroom is also possible. My detective part was out investigating for proof and for ways to ask you questions in a way you would not get all worked up and defensive and so I had to ask my detective part to take a little coffee break so that me the adult 48 years old, with Self energy could look at how to approach this in a loving and gentle way. When we got in the car after we finish at Starbucks I notice your purse and I calmly asked you if you carried drugs in your purse. You opened up your purse and proved to me no evidence of drugs in there. A part in me showed up feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed for asking you this I felt it take over and asking my system to stop asking that it was not a safe thing to do. It all goes so fast. I am mostly in parts I notice and I seem to work harder at bringing myself back to Self energy. Being blended with a part is so much faster and easier. When you stayed in our house you were a genius at convincing me that you followed instructions that you were never using drugs and being high. I found out at some point that you were not being honest with me. I am wondering if the dishonesty in our relationship meant that you had some power over me and some control over your life. A power and a control you lost for a moment when my life changed when you were eight. Is it possible, you think, that you and I can have some time together and put away the games of power and control. Is it so hard to be around me and not try to be in charge of what happens in your body for the next 2 or 3 hours. Don’t you just wish you could tell me how much you hate the part in me who never came back to London to get you back that September 2009. Don’t you just wish you could let that little girl express how hurt she felt when she heard that her mom had made a decision that had absolutely not involved her and prepared her for such a change. This sudden turn in your life. Everything was different from then on. What we had built what we had together just seemed to die just like if I had a car crash and you would have never seen me again. Except that I didn’t die and you had no control over me being a smaller part in your life for a while. You had no control over the changes I was making in my life. You had had to see me change and the changes took so much out of the relationship we had together before. The comfort, the safety, the structure the routine. Of course at some point this would have all gone with adolescence but it went a little to soon in your case and that was really really hard. Today I m ready to hold that part of you in my arms and listen, to hear her cry and complain about how hard these all was for the little 8 years old. To have a voice and tell me that she is stock inside of you so confused about why mommy didn’t not come back from America to get me right away. Being able to say these words still thinking why did this ever happened to her. Why did you make this sudden changes and not return back to how it was. Or why was I left behind living with a dad that was more a friend to me than a parent I really needed. He was my good friend I could call dad not my parent who was able to truly guide and support me emotionally through my meltdowns, through these massive changes.