December 2021 – Peace of me, Part of you

Hi My friend thank you for your voice text last week… Thank you for giving me the information I was requesting about Kiki s court appearances. A bit happen since that day. Kiki tested positive for covid when she admitted herself into rehab, and so they turned her away and asked her to isolated for 10 days then come back…. At this point jobless homeless sick she s been going from couch to couch since there are no places for putting up homeless ppl infected with covid…. I doubt I will be celebrating xmass this year fully at peace in my heart, as it is too broken for celebrations, while witnessing my only child covering up her pain and suffering with something that could kill her anytime now however much of a dream this is I can not, not be affected by the way her life turned out to be…. The glimbs of hopes that I experience here and there are just little oasis to take a brief break before I continue on this heavy walk through the desert, it is cold and I m possibly too infected by COVID…. Symptoms of being unwell started showing up 3 days after I drove Kiki to unroll in the MAT recovery program and meet with Nicole in Baraboo to go over 2 hours of filling up paper work. Christmas might come a little later this time around. Perhaps after the new year when kiki’s words “to my last year alive” when we wished each other happy new year the 1rst of January 2021, have not come true. The part my last year alive to not come true But what if she meant, my last year alive while using fentanyl heroin and meth? Did she mean that 2022 will be be the year that gets her out of rehab with her monthly shot of Vivitrol following her recovery program? I am praying for her to not give up on herself these next coming 10 days and I am also praying for C to not stop her from getting herself into treatment if he makes it out of custody before she reaches the rehab place. After all as long as these two manage to not be around each other K might feel more motivated to reach her goal to her path of recovery. So far it looked like they were both setting each other up for failure for more chaos, for confusion brain fog and conflict. K needs an adversary with whom she can feed the part in her that loves arguing and uses this strategy to manipulates to get what ever wants crosses her mind in the moment. By the sound of it C looks like the perfect adversary and that is what she fell madly in love with. I saw how C just like I and her dad and most ppl around her let themselves slowly swim around the bait she so cleverly display in front of our eyes and suddenly have us bite on it it and get hooked. I am very aware that her strategies are not who k is in truth and that she uses them only and quite often to communicate how stoke and afraid she is in her ill condition and how lonely she feels in that state. How much she wants to have ppl in this circle she sees no way out. Even when a helping hand reaches out to her to slowly walk her out, she sees the hand, takes it, walks towards the line that defines her circle and the outside of it and when it s time for her to leap out petrified she pulls the hand toward her with all her strength and without knowing we find ourselves inside and the pain of that makes everyone push her away get out and walk away. As a result she feel betrayed and experiences abandonment her pain gets greater and the pain killer use her only help her only true friend. Inside that circle alone using drugs is her only way to not feel the pain of everyone walking away from her…. What is the solution for her and for anyone stock in a trap they can’t get out? A trap that enslaves the mind to suffering and the addiction to it? I m asking myself the question. Here is what comes. First notice that I trapped. Then realize that I m not trapped by anyone but by my own mind. Notice that The suffering is internal. Then wanting to end the inner suffering and staying open for a way out. The way out happens and along the way the inner machine who was use to me being trapped and suffering is still activate for a while and will set me up to return in that circle. High are the chances that I will return inside and feel trapped and become hopeless once again thinking this is it. This time I m not getting out of it until I die…. That muscle is weak still. The muscles that get me out of that circle is weaker then the muscle that keeps me in. It takes great effort to build that muscle. The burden of a mother is the suffering of her child dying. There is no way to deny and avoid the pain that comes with seeing one s own child drowning into darkness…. As much as I try, learn, to witness her nightmare above the battle ground the hand that I bring to her when she asks gets contaminated no matter what I do. I often hear don’t give her that hand, save yourself and I say she is myself and when it is given for me to help her in her nightmare I am learning to remember the truth as I walk

By cecileb|2021-12-23T19:07:48+00:00December 23rd, 2021|Uncategorized|