Self

I called the attorney’s office to pay Kiki s legal aid fee. I hear a young female’s voice on the receiving end. How can I help? She says. I would like to pay off my daughter’s legal aid fee. I replied. Ok what is her name she says? Her name is Kimia then I spell out K I M I A and her last name Soheili and I spell out S……. By the look of what follows she has not been able to understand my sweet and sometime incomprehensible for ppl raised around in this part of the world, French accent that may slightly distort the sound of the letters I spelled out. So she asks me to spell out her last name one more time and I do S….. O…..H….E….I….L….I. a little slower this time. Then I hear in her voice that she is becoming Impatient and she wants to get off the phone as fast as the following words she delivers and says ok what is he date of birth. I feel the energy becoming heavier between us and I am tempted to follow her in the flow of her irritated mood. But instead I slow my words down and offer a more gentle and patient tune. I could feel the temptation in becoming really annoyed with her inside of me. I could also hear a part in me saying we are better than that lets show her how calm and gentle we are but that was not it. I moved that part on the side to let some Self energy of strength and compassion in. I was aware that showing her that I am better calmer smarter more patient than her will only demonstrates that I am entering in the boxing ring with her with a different strategy than the one she uses in placing myself above with an intention to win some emotional or psychological battle. I find it interesting how a complete stranger in a situation that had a particular goal, become a set up and the perfect practice buddy so I get to apply some of my latest progress and growth. The person I call for fixing a payment for my daughter became an opportunity for me to offer myself compassion in front of someone who s day may turn out to be hard and is finding it impossible to communicate the frustration she s feeling any other way than becoming harsh and impatient with me. So here was an opportunity to practice once again the undoing of a habit I have glued myself onto for so long getting lost into someone else’s conflicted energy, that way I could witness that I have respect and love for myself even though she stumbled and tripped making a mess of our interaction.

I slowly with a gentle peace offering voice spoke and gave her my daughter s date of birth. She was finally able to locate her file and asked for the outstanding amount of $62.50 to be paid in full now. What follows is more name spelling, giving a billing address and a debit card number, more spiky tone of voice and impatient vibes as she was making hard attempts to decode my letter pronunciation. Then very clearly I sensed inside of me the presence of an adult taking charge, certain and focus in it s purpose, and what felt like an inner guide I was given plain and firm instructions. Tell her clearly, with neutral tone in your voice exactly and only the information she needs to hear from you, do not move into where she is emotionally you do not have to react to her impatience. If she doesn’t understand or hear you well just simply and only repeat the words the letters as clear as you can as many time as needed and stay centered with your goal. All you can here with this lady who is clearly in pain is deliver the necessary task so she can get the payment sorted. And so I followed this certain strong gentle patient inner presence in me inner life and it felt great not to get lost into someone else s emotions and hurt. I am not use to letting inner supportive experiences guide me this way it happens once in a blue moon I would love to have more of this and this is what helps me feel holly and makes life worth living.

Every moment I have, I enter a specific situation and I am presented with one specific goal. For example the situations above describes the goal of calling the attorney’s office to pay an outstanding $60 bill for my daughter’s legal aid to begin, with Self, my inner outer all over higher power in my awareness I can be reminded of my specific focus, seconds by second, I do not have to get side track by intense and hard emotions that others think I have to pick up for them. I may pick up some of my on uncomfortable feelings in the way but I can notice that validate the presence of parts showing with intense emotions, excuse myself to exit the situation and sit with those feelings and reassure parts that I am here for them. Or I can also ask stronger part to hold a safe space for those parts just for now while I can finish up dealing what is in front of me. Being available to acknowledge parts in me and validate what is going on for them and attend to there needs if possible helps me feel holly.