Right this second I am ever so grateful for the trees around our house the unpolluted pure air I am able to inhale. The nature, the birds the deers passing through and the squirrels chasing one another to probably stay warm and entertain my cats watching them through my two bedroom windows. It brings a 30 sec smile that sprays through out my body a healing vibe and uplifts my spirit. I am grateful to notice and stay present with glimpses of the sun warming up the winter decor and my mood. I am grateful for inner guide I have, who takes really good care of my body my needs my inner system and the parts who needs reassurance and support. I am able to notice how Some of my parts are amused and also confused, about the sense of taste and smell being remove. The muscular pain is hard for some of my parts and breathing feels like when I was a kid and I had a cold my nose was blocked and I still had to go to my swimming lessons. When I was done swimming and I left the building, outside, I would breath, and it felt like my nose and my lungs were wide open, surprisingly clear from the cold, and only the smell of the chemicals in the chlorine was noticeable. I left the pool feeling better than when I first entered it, but then a couple of hours later the winter cold would catch up with me and reminded me that I was still sick. So far the hardest thing I have experienced is knowing I have covid and some information some of my friends would give me that would freak me out. Also the upper part of my body my belly area felt like there was no flow of energy moving through, as if this part of my body was becoming rock solid as if it was dead. I went to take a hot bath and even in the heated water, I felt cold inside and just warm on my skin. I have been making myself hot drinks. Pouring hot water on grated ginger organic mint and lemon balm. My matcha continues working wonders and gives me some light energy I can use to take of myself. Home made Leak and potato soup or leak and carrot soups and lentil soups with turmeric cloves and cayenne pepper is helping my belly stay warm. I have been attending all my usual morning meetings no matter how bad I felt to keep my spirit up and I am really grateful for all the recovery friends I work with. I have been using my asthma treatment which so far really helps because without it my chest started to contract and breathing and coughing became painful. The highest fever I have had so far was 102.7.

Now my daughter who s priority is for me to save from being homeless because all her addict friends are getting burned out by fixing her free daily doses and giving her a couch to sleep on. Who s priority is to bully me in feeling guilty so I get to rescue her out of the mess she getting herself into deeper. I am not ready to pay for her a motel room while I have $43 left in my account and I still have credit cards debts. I spent the last 6 days of the little extra bit of energy left in me that is not just to fight covid to work out ways and look for resources for her to find ways not to be homeless. I called places and connections I have who could give me cues on how to apply homeless vouchers that would pay for a motel room until her covid isolation periods is over and she missed out on those opportunities I placed right in front of her, because her true and only valuable at this point is her fix. Her fix before a room to sleep in. Her fix before food and shower. Mom you said you would help me pay for a motel if I didn’t get help….well you did get help but you it pass you by and you missed out.

Still in my condition this week I have been having a real hard time with her pushing guilt onto me. Being unwell brings more of my younger ill and scared exiles parts out on the surface and my priority to fight covid 19 out of my system without more trauma and pressure put on me by Bastiaan who s having a hard time looking after someone unwell and my daughter who could give a f about what happens to me so long she gets her fix.