Twenty years ago, in 2002, January, I was eight month pregnant. I knew I had a little girl inside me. I remember at times feeling anxious as I was connecting with her but not really knowing exactly why I felt this way. It seemed like an unknown yet intuitive, message sent out to my mind, and could hear this very low whispering about what was to come but I couldn’t hear a word, only feel something odd and this felt a little scary. I remember having had that experience earlier in the pregnancy and having a reaction to this yucky unsettling feelings. That reaction came with tears and some regret of being pregnant with a little girl but not knowing why I was having this experience. I sensed a knowing but could not decode what that knowing was really about. I would also feel very curious and wondered how this little girl would turn out to be. I was more tuning in to her physical appearance how beautiful she would turn out to be. I never had big dreams for her I didn’t have idea attached to how I was going to bring her up. Apart from protecting her from the abuse I was exposed to as a child. I was thinking that I would have someone in my life who would love me unconditionally and I would also love unconditionally. This felt good and I bathed into those feeling for a while. Having a little person that was conceived inside me calling her my child being her mother loving her and protecting her seemed fascinating enough . Make her a beautiful, warm, bedroom full of toys and activity she d like and would develop her brain to this smart little person she would become. Buy her the latest fashion cute clothes, dress her up way better I would my dolls when I was growing up. Hold her kiss sing to her, wipe her tears keeps her clean and happy. Feed her, play with her, be gentle with her make her my number one happy priority. Those were all the plans I had as a new mom. My real life doll my little animated doll I would play with and teach her how to walk and talk and run and read and write and count, all that I learned from working with kids these last years I would give to her. I felt proud I had a chance to give what was never given to me before. Comfort love cuddles kisses protection health. The little life that she was back then, moving in my belly was mine and only mine to love and to protect. I noticed this strength in me at times that told me that she would be safe with me because I would use all I have learned and perhaps unlearned and all I know to make sure that the fear I experience in this world does not come even an inch close to her. I would not expose her to the unhealthy polluted air I had to breath in as a child. I will make sure it is all clean and around her. No violence, no smoke and alcohol around her. No ppl fighting around her. No terror around her. Just my love for her. I was terrified of being a single mom raising her just by myself seemed in my mind that she would be deprived of love from a man and that could have long lasting effect on her. Bringing the love of a man in her life unfortunately came at a price. It came with values I didn’t want her to have. Values that would separate us her and I. All the glitter that I new as being a trap for kids that I was trying to protect her from were smoothly being introduced to her by her dad. Was that his revenge for not being a mother to her for being an outsider. I never understood how toxic and unhealthy her dad was to himself and a relationship until he became the father of my child. The mother in me pushed him away and he would come back with magic tricks my daughter couldn’t say no to. When he was around he became her strength her legs her toys she didn’t have to make the slightest effort he would do it for her. All she had to do is watch tv all day like he would when he was home eat snacks in front of the tv be fed in front of the tv and learn to use him as her servant. Get me this get me that while her round little butt was glued on the floor and her eyes hypnotized on the tv screen. He would baby spoon feed her and would pick her up so she didn’t have to walk. And he would say I love her so much that s why I am this way with her. Love??? Is that love????