This morning I am aware of a few parts showing up after this last night conflict episode with Bastiaan at home and Kiki over the phone earlier on at the hospital.

I want you out of my life you trigger the hell out of me mom. Yes I trigger the hell out of you because I am not in alignment with what you are your sudden unexpected change of heart to carry on with your recovery plan and you are now setting yourself up for. Getting out of detox 2 days earlier than expected and not wanting to continue treatment like you said needed to, as you begged me to set you up for a rehab place right after detox. You change direction and go the opposite way to what you spend my time and effort to get you on. What made you change your mind? Are you totally aware that Chris is coming out? Are you planning a way to secretly get together? This calls he made to me getting to believe that you had no idea he is on his way out and the 6 month court order to have his ass in rehab was lifted now all of a sudden you change your plans and do not want to go to rehab. It s no longer compulsory so you r out. Waiting for Monday so he can pick you up and you two can fight the world together and isolate into this poisoning destructive mechanism that no one can break you out of until you both die. Or am I imagining this whole story. But then Billy Bastiaan and a couple of other ppl imagined the same story I did. They r all thinking you guys are secretly getting a plan together. I told Chris that not one person who knows Kiki is not afraid of the outcome of that relationship and do not trust Chris. I was warn about this 42 years old man who spends most of his free time selling Crystal meth encouraging and injecting young girls a safer drug than heroin he says, and when he is not busy doing this it only because his ass is in jail. He cries no one will give me a job when I m discovered of my crimes and the time I spend in jail making up for those.

Now a few of my parts are freaking out. About this new agreement that I have to sign at my job. I just got immune against this virus that is not different than a tough flue to fight off. Today the way the world and it s ppl is eating, slaving at work, burning themselves out abandoning and neglecting themselves their immune system is running down and new virus may hit them like a tone of bricks. I want to have the choice to not get vaccinated and still take care of myself and ppl around me. Being forced now with this new agreement to get vaccinated is devastating to some of my parts. Yes I heard that the vaccine contained some ingredients that would affect our immune system and would affect more than that …. Why am I hearing these informations that will scare me so much. Getting any kind of vaccine is scary for me and adding more fear into this is hard. I don’t believe that the vaccine is good for me or anyone but today I m being put against the wall with a scary needle coming at me, poking me in my muscles and injecting me with some potion that some scientists have worked out in their lab for the length of time that this new virus came alive, a year and half ago. Bastiaan did his shots (moderna) and he has been as sick as I m if not more. So why imposing a vaccine that is not doing what we are told it is suppose to do, have ppl less sick when exposed to the virus.

I want to disappear, I want to run away, run really really fast to where I am not. Simply because where I am right now, it is hard, it is very uncomfortable and for some reasons I m not totally aware of, the “it” , that is hard and uncomfortable transforms itself into a war zone a conflict. Conflict because I impulsively react to what it hard and uncomfortable. Then I want to run even faster and further away from me and the consequences of my reaction. Get me out of here, make me disappear from here, it s dark, it s very dark take it all away and get me somewhere where I am not. No Kiki with her life threatening situations. No husband with his scary addiction, no cats to abandon and break their hearts, no responsibilities. Take care of me. Hold me. Carry me that extra mile you promised you would and have me land in that space where all is warm where gentleness rules and peace flow through my veins. Peace, gentleness, warm, is that somewhere where I am not right now? Is it accessible right now.