How is the mother of a 20 years old girl who has been struggling with severe mental illness for over 6 years not able to find a way out of this torturing nightmare after numerous visits different doctors at different clinics and trying one treatment after an other and the result is now her having to self medicating to avoid the excruciating emotional pain she can not find ways to deal, unless she uses Fentanyl heroin to relax away from her anxiety and meth to give her some energy to get out of bed, is suppose to feel? Clueless devastated hurt heavy hearted. I don’t even know if she is alive right this moment. I have a daughter who is more than unhappy as a young adult making tiny attempts to navigate her way through a world that denies trauma and it’s painful reality that has a system that only works for….not even me, not for those who don’t do well with filling in forms and getting in the rythme of paying med insurance, taxes and loans. This is what I want to say when ever I hear someone say, how are you?

I am seeing my daughter slowly dying, but before that transforming into a zombi who keeps telling her she is still the beautiful girl she was prior using. Witnessing my little girl slowly killing the physical reality she hate to be in, using everything and everyone as a weapon to destroy and to convinces herself over and over again that where she is, is not where she needs to be, is not where she wants to be. Destroying what she identifies herself mostly with, pain in creating more pain for herself. Everyone around her at present is contributing to feeding into her zero tolerance to pain, bank account in the most unhealthy way, anyone who contradicts this is an enemy even the one she loves the most. Billy, this man who says he cares, and will never let anything bad happen to her is one of her Allie’s in death, not death of just the physical part of her but also death of something that can not even die ever, something that can only hide until rediscovered. Death of her light of her power. Welcome to a reality show where a body sense make us think that we can kill our light our power.

What my daughter seem to think she is entitled to since a young age is a total pain and effort free life experience. This could look very much like floating on pure soft coton cloud where she can relax with her bffs all day, get pampered like a princess bathing into a luxurious atmosphere of peace and power and feeling very very special. Have zero responsibility zero concern about having an abondance of everything she likes having. Money, tone of sugar and prestige, the body and face of a top model, clothed by the latest top fashion brand. A pair of fake boobs and a smaller nose apparently. All of these has to be freely offered to her on a golden plate.

She doesn’t have those at all and instead she has to steal what today s society call sexy underwear and makeup from Walmart to prostitute herself so she can buy the drug that give her a couple of minute of heaven and a few hours of total hell. A drug that offers her that fake reality she has been so determined to snatch from the tv reality shows she watched when she was 14.

Today I need answers, how long is this torturing herself and her loved one going to last. How long before she finally gets her last word overdoses and dies? How long before she decides to say enough and this time I truly means it i am done hating myself. I know I am reaching the end of my road as her caretaker but how long will I continue hurting from knowing that her life is in danger in the hands of a predator taking advantage of her urge to buy and use. How long will I have to feel this intense tension in my stomach because I m wondering if she is she alive right now? I m in pain thinking these thoughts and I can’t avoid thinking them. It hurts so bad my tears have turned into solid rocks and nothing is flowing in and out. I need to fix this but I can’t. I need to know she s ok. I need to know where she is at. Is she safe? No of course not, what does she have to do to get her drugs.