Saturday the 13th of March a week after Kiki s 20th birth day I called my parents to thank them for wishing her a happy birthday through the intermediary of Brigitte my aunt. As expected, due to both my dads urge to talk so much and my urge to need to explain how things works for me, the call lasted one hour and 40 minutes and thank God was interrupted by Glenny calling me to remind me of our NVC practice at 9am. After the call I felt proud of myself because I had been able to interrupt my dad and complete the thought I had started when he asked a question regarding finding a solution to help Kiki. Was he even interested in hearing the answer to the question he had asked me? Or was he just asking the question to remind me of how incapable he thinks I am and how one of his friends has all the solution to all problems because he prays. So I interrupted him and before I could answer the next question he was not even interested in hearing my answer to, I said, “if you don’t mind I would like to finish answering your question and feel complete with the thought you brought up regarding finding support for Kiki s situation. He replied yes of course go ahead I didn’t realize you had not completed your thought. Of course you don’t when did you ever I screamed inside my head. I felt frustrated, resentful, hurt, angry and I cried to release the pain I felt. Despite the attempt I made to try hiding my sadness seen in the past as weakness and frustration seen in the past as wrong, my voice revealed those emotions in its tone. So I said “give me a second“ then I toke a few deeper breath, felt some release and some strength too then I moved on to finishing my thought. This episode was a breakthrough for me and parts to witness and show those still petrified of him parts in me that i now can stand up for them. Showing those little parts in me that I can hold my grounds and tell them that if this guy doesn’t want to hear our wisdom and destabilize us. I will stand firm like the strong tower that I am becoming and I will listen to those parts who wants to be listened to. I will speak up for my authentic part who s voice, once was put down and traumatized by this man. At that moment I felt only power I felt nothing could bring me down. Until I woke up the next morning noticing inner parts telling me they were sad and angry that we had interacted and EXPOSED our power to dad, because he will find a way to put a wet blanket on our fire and slowly kill us just like he did when we were small. The inner parts went on saying I don’t trust him, none of his smooth intentions are pure and something evil hides behind them. He is, after all a sick smooth operator that tries to trap people in becoming less than just like he does with himself. He tries to win his prays over, and get what he wants out of them and then when they r at their weakest use that to resent them push them away and feel some pleasure out of that. He plays mind games like telling me to get Mano whom he resents and knows she is not at an age to care for Kiki, because the level of sickness Kiki is in will hurt Mano and destroy her or anyone else who has not fully recovered from their own trauma and don’t have firm boundaries in place to protect themselves. Manipulating me by saying you have to be there for your daughter no no matter what she needs her mom, even if she brings you down and kills you you have to help her. That is precisely what my mother had to do for him. She left herself behind slowly killing and abandoning herself and her relationship to save her husband. Who is she without being his caretaker making attempts after attempts to rescue him out of his own misery and who is he without her making those endless and deadly attempts?

Now as I was talking about getting some support from my aunts on my mother s side, if ever Kiki got deported for drugs crime, he calmly added to that, what about Mano my grand mother from my mother s side whom he has resentments for because she has always protected me from him. Appart from his unconsciously calculated ways he has always used to maneuver through his resentment, pain and fear why would he push Kiki to someone he doesn’t even like, Mano? Let Mano deal with Kiki, he went on as if that was the most amazing idea he s ever had. Why would he want someone he doesn’t like help Kiki.

Connecting and lovingly unblend with one of my parts who do not like dad, resents him and want nothing to do with him. Give the part a voice and validate what the part feels and thinks about dad letting her know that I Self cares a great deal about her and is here for her now. Updating the part of what year we are in now and how far and how old dad is. Giving the part permission for the first time to let her feel the resentment and ask the part what she needs. Letting her not like him and say no to his emotional and physical abuse. Reassuring the part and sitting with her while she feels how angry and disgusted when she thinks of him is a healing experience i wish upon every single human being to free themselves from severe trauma. As I am hearing the part say I really don’t like this man. Yes I absolutely don’t trust him. I feel some tension and rage in the stomach area. I continue listening and I hear, “He says something calmly but the intentions behind the false calm he displays are full of hatred and revenge is his only goal, it is deadly, it is poison. Why would we want anything to do this man who sees nothing of himself and people who ever get close to him as failures and mediocrity. He has become who he believes about himself. Mediocre. Listening to this scare some other parts. Don’t put any energy on someone who is so evil it is contagious you ll get stoke and become like him…. An other part says oh my god hating a dad is so evil you shouldn’t do that ever. An other parts thinks if he is our dad could we inherited his evilness. Could Kiki have inherited her evilness? How can we continue talking to this guy if some of us hate him says a couple of other parts.