I discovered a part in me who holds on to years of past hurts and resentments, this massive library loaded of only that. I can walk through îles of past hurt and scroll through shelves of stories that will back these up, with a couple of my parts and have them pick out a couple of those memories every time I enter a situation that one of my part can evaluated as not being safe or having the tiniest similarity that might ressemble one of the stored memories. The memories with past pain, my parts use when entering a new day or a situation or an interaction when I am on auto pilot, are debilitating and leads me to regress into a withdrawn and scared little child. Pushing everyone and everything away from me. The pain I feel in that moment and project onto my present experience has become ever so limiting. “No wonder everyone hates you and don’t want anything to do with you you are just so weird” my daughter would say when she felt self conscious around ppl I would open up to and great with ease. Those words heard and seen through the lenses of the part in me who stores past hurt, heard “you are not good enough” “you are bad girl, you don’t deserve to have ppl around you that loves you.” That was my dad anchoring this belief in my system some how at age four and he cut me off from the rest of my family for what he protected onto me as trying to be the center of attention. He had to have that space for himself even if that meant in a negative way he had to be the center of attention and he couldn’t because children meant a lot more to my grand parents and uncle and aunts than to him.

Connecting with the 4years old part in me who strongly believes she is not worthy of being loved and only deserves punishment. She is not worthy of even having caring healthy family and friendships in her life. Reconnecting the dotes and allowing healing to take place is now something I am looking forward to discover. Self energy is for sure ever so present in this healing adventure. How will we help unburden this sweet little part from the punishment and loneliness she was locked up in, at such young age. Everything she s ever experienced from then on was a ricochet of that one bad learning ordeal. Everything she s ever believed about herself was translated into words similar to “I am bad I did something terribly wrong for my dad to completely cut the four of us off from my uncle and aunt, all I can do now is endure the punishment of being afraid and isolated in that state until my dad lifts the spell”. What is slowly coming back to my awareness as I revisit this painful and dark moment is the one detail I never paid attention to, that detail is quite an important one that will truly affect the way I encounter the world in and outside of me. That detail is a key element to my healing and that is the fact that I was not just terrified but I also truly resented my dad. I was not happy to see this man coming to get me away from the happy dream I was living at my uncle and haunts house. It is a sin to resent a parent to resent a father specially at such young age. He scared the hell out of me. I wanted to stay at my uncle and aunt permanently. They loved me. I was allowed to be my authentic free Self around them. I was not afraid of them, I was my little clown my little happy self that sometime could feel bluesy and not get told off for it. Around my dad I had to have a neutral look on my face, which absolutely goes against my nature as everything that happens inside of me is translate by a facial expression. With dad I had to make extra effort from a very young age to show the slightest emotion running though me, not even a happy face because happy was for special ppl only in his book. Not even sad because it reminded him of how messed up it all was inside his head. I resented my dad so much, already, so young, is that even possible? Was he aware of that? Of course he was, he could read it on my face, on my body language and on how I responded to him. I can t quite remember but I think I gave him the cold shoulder when he picked me up from their house that day? I didn’t like it that wasn’t going to be spoiled with my uncle and aunt s love anymore but instead I had to shut down and become this terrified little girl. Was he really offended and threatened by how influenced and attracted I was by the love and caring attention I received from others? It was so much easier for him to be neglectful and store me in a quiet corner of that little apartment we lived in. I didn’t want to leave with him. I resented him and the sad thing about this is that I believed I was severely punished for these early resentments and rejections feelings I had towards him. That belief, even if someone is abusif and controls you do not have resentment or you will be severely punished, this burden created the entire scenario of what became a life for me. Still today parts in me are carrying this burden on auto pilot until I become aware of it and I shine the light on it. The same way I am now being punished for having resented and rejected Kiki when she would push me away to have her dad to herself so he could spoil her rotten and not have me interfere with what she was after. What she was after was a lot more than I had that summer with my uncle and my aunt at their farm house in Britany. What I gave her was also more than what I had that summer and what I had my entire gild hood. The attention the care the love the things she needed to keep her in decent level of comfort, patience, play, activities, however greed, I realized, starts at a really young age. There was never any ending to the I want I want I want and I want more. Endless but unsatisfying supply of give me, give me, give me more. Screaming frantically it s not enough I need more…But what did you really want Kiki did you truly want what was given to you for a little more than a full five minutes? Or did you miss out on authenticity, and true compassion that neither your dad and I had any idea how to provide you for. We bought what you everything that dresses and masked your needs but never help you to meet those needs. The excuse for your dad was she is too cute to not get it all from me. Now I can finally enjoy my life seing her getting all that I give her. The pleasure was all his and proudly and would say but look at her, she s my life she s my everything I can only give her everything, the whole world I just want to give her. Our lives are not comparable, mine and my daughter’s however the mistakes of the adults that was made around her and I are as tragic and do have a parallel. The pattern of not protecting a daughter to her father’s extreme behaviors, flaws and unhealthy habits was passed on. The chaîne of feeling resentful that was experienced between parents and kids and the negative impact it had on our life and still has today is very much alive. How can this ever stop?

I don’t deserve to be happy I don’t deserve to be myself and to be free from the pain I was fed so much as a kid. Pain, unhappiness, isolation is what I deserve the most, specially if I carry in me the slightest resentment towards someone. That is what the little part in me I described above has to say, and believe her reality has to be. Yesterday I spent all the energy I had talking to someone who spins drama in the head, just like I use to do. Just like I use to think that any solutions to problem in the battle ground was to be fixed in the battle ground. I spent a lot of energy thinking that I could show that person that her solution was not in but above the battle ground. There are two realities in this human condition reality within the battle ground one reality above the battle ground the two don’t really mix.

When I am blended with the terrified of my dad part little girl around Kiki or other stresses I know that I am trying to fix what I find challenging within the battle ground . When I give that part some space to properly connect and to regain it s proper little size and not this gigantic mountain I can’t handle I place myself above the battle ground. The space the peace the love that restores me and the energy that licked out I in the battle ground, the Self is here always