I noticed lately how my dad puts firm limits on what he can or can not do in his life, with himself and others. He is very stricked with himself and other and displays an appearance that keeps ppl want to engage with him until they figure him out, then he feels that, and pushes them away before he has the chance once again to experience the pain of being abandoned. I see how the fear to be more than what my dad thinks of himself and that is very very small, contributes to how he imposes limitations upon himself and the closes ppl around him. The fear of taking some risks in broadening the vision he has about himself and the horrible world he got himself trapped in. The terror he holds on too, so he doesn’t have to put himself out there and expend, that terror tells him that the world is a threat that there are neighbors around him who infiltrates a virus into his internet connection and that has infected his computer and limited on how he can communicate with others, with his family and children who are located in different parts of the world. He has to spend all his power and energy and my mom s energy and who ever gets trapped in his circle to protect himself from what he fears so much from the threats of the external reality he creates for himself. He has very very limiting and limited believes and he hides behind an appearance of this guy who hasn’t had much luck in his life but can have interesting and inspiring conversations at times. He is really ashamed of the condition he is trapped in. He doesn’t want people to see him and call him out. Every time someone noticed his strategy and called him out that became a threat that turned into a big conflict. Let’s move out of the box a little I would offer as child and that would spark that rage, I saw in my dream after last night, as I saw him beating the hell out of me because I would not go along fully with his insanity with his limited vision of life. For knowing there was something off in my dad’s interaction with me or others I was a threat to the narrow universe he trapped himself into. I am a threat for noticing seeing and not always wanting to go along with his distorted limited expectations. Being a threat has become part of my identity anyone who has flaws ends up disappearing away from me. Once someone told me “I must say Cecile I am feeling intimidated by how much awareness you have about your inner system”. I became the threat. This is the type of mind I grew up with. My biggest disappointment was that I knew there was something no right with the way my dad operated in his head but I was not able to articulate that to myself and others and I was also confused a lot with the fact that my mother tolerated and accepted his system as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

11 years have past since I last spoke to my parents. Emotional control manipulation and pointing the finger outwards are the main reasons that separated us for so long. My dad is very limited in what he can or can not do in his life. Words situations people triggers the hell out of him and isolation and restrictions are what he uses to not explode in rage and let that unresolved rage get out of control to the point he would find himself locked up. He has restricted his mind and his body so much that he has the flexibility of a 99 years old man at the age of 75 and the emotional tolerance of a toddlers. My mom and who ever is close to him has to come to his dinosaur level to fit in and have a relationship with him. My parents have no cell phone no working computer or tablets, a ready to die car they have a house that has no running water and workable electricity and had to rent a studio in a low housing apartment complex they hateTo speak together from across the ocean I use tellfree and a call to France costs $25 for an hour talk. My dad like to talk a lot and every time we speak it cost me $25. My aunt thinks that today with the free apps we have paying $25 dollars is silly I think the same. My dad thinks his horrible neighbors managed to infiltrates virus into their pc and for that reason he can use his pc and for that reason I have to call his land line and for that reason I pay $100 if I call them every weeks. Both my dad’s sisters and his brother are working on getting my isolated parents set up on a device most likely back on the pc that has a virus. Until then I will slow down my expensive extended chat with me dad. Today one of my aunt called me with her phone and my other aunt called my parents with hers. They called it the triangle call from Paris to Wisconsin to Decise two hours away from Paris. I say to my dad then my aunt calls my mom I say hi to her she asks me how I m doing and I have sufficient energy to repeat what I just told my dad so I say “I m ok” then she says “I pass you back to your dad because he has some good news about the way we could call each other”. My dad gets back on the phone and he says my friend who lives in Peru calls his family in France for 5 euros a month. Isn’t that great he says all excited” then he spells out the name of the membership I look it up and it is a membership I get from the Us and pay for monthly.

Can we see each other when we make those calls I jumped in? no he replied but it s still a great offer right? Then my aunt interrupts and says “oh so we won’t be able to see each other” then my dad says once again no those are just calls we can make. Right away my aunt says oh no that s not gone work let’s just stick with our plan to fixe your computer she says real fast then moves on to talking about something else so he has no time to explain that he really wants it that way.

I am glad my aunt stepped in and didn’t let him do the usual I tell you all how things go around here and according to his level. My aunt clearly stated that going with his plan would get us to regressed to how limited he has become in his life and we don’t want to do that. I was a stirred up by my dad imposing a new plan on me and not checking with me if I wanted start a new membership and pay a monthly fee just to call them. I don’t call anyone else in France through the phone anymore I use free app like Messenger WhatsApp or telegram or Skype. In the past little Cecile was trained to go along and to people please my dad with how he like to control situations and decide how things should go in our relationship now 30 years later, being a mom , being a wife, becoming an independent mind mmmm it s not as tolerating as it was any more.