Four days passed since our last conversation and a part in me is very unhappy and hurting about having reconnected with dad. The part feels confused and frustrated and repeats what was said and it also have intense feeling of hurt and anger in the belly and chest area. I feel blended with the part and I am looking forward to sit down with it and listen to it while having my first cup of Matcha tea of the day. My iPad on my laps I type the following. Soon after I give the talking stick to the part and she says. “So much has not been said. We pretend all is well but it isn’t all well” underneath his I m a good guy mask he has only ill and dark intentions and I don’t like him. I don’t trust him we playing with fire getting close to this man. In fact I hate this guy’s guts and I am tired of talking with him as if we were a normal family having gone through some rough times but nothing unusual enough to our back on each other, why did he have to be my dad. If my husband or anyone else would have been abusive the way this man had been with me I would have pressed charges make sure he goes to jail and want nothing to do with him ever again but because he is my dad I have to normalize the abuse pretend I moved on with it all and be a nice forgiving daughter. I have never felt close to him. I had to pretend that I liked him and was ok with his sick strategies or I would get into trouble. I have to make peace with him or I will remain this bitter resentful angry old women. His illness and all that came with it became normal and normal can be miss interpreted with safe. I gravitated most of my life around lost and ill soul. I became ill and lost myself.

I have zero compassion for this man I have to call my dad. Obviously these words are not those of Self my adult. Self has compassion for all. For others’s diseases too, and for those who as children grew up feeling terrified by ill parts of other. Now I am starting to feel the same about my daughter and see her that way too. This person who inflicts herself with so much hate is my kid?…. I have to call her my daughter?… first dad now my daughter???…. What a nightmare.

Yes I don’t feel safe right now…Parts of me are screaming. I don’t feel safe. I have to use money I have worked to put aside for my citizenship to pay off her $300 bank debts to clear my name. I have to talk to this man who is in complete denial, my dad, I don’t like to be a good person and to be at peace with myself….

I am a mediocre he says. He believes so little of himself. So does Kiki who s attachment to her look is so sad but starts showing on the outside what is inside. What about me? Do I believe I am a failure a mediocre who has to hide behind personal growth work. And my mom who hides behind my dad’s sickness, his caretaker and stay alive just because he is so afraid of dying alone.

How do I realize that when I am blended with part…. Who is blended with a part Self? And my mind races with scary thoughts and my body feels scary feelings how do I become aware that I am not feeling safe and the goal here is to return to safety.

Fortunately, an hour after writing these last words I was able to ask Karen my IFS therapist and yes Self is blended with a part and Self also have boundaries….