To her husband. The one and only thing I need from you today you can not give it to me. An unconditional offering within you that can support us that can support me while I can gently and lovingly guide my daughter into a safe space for her to undergo her recovery. A safe space with a big S. The only thing I want today from myself, my friends, my community, my family, the people I don’t call my friends but are on my path, is a loving presence that covers your faces with a smile and fills your mouth to deliver gentle non judgmental words that speaks the words from a guaranteed certainty, a clear knowing that my daughter is going to pull through the poisoning torturing struggle she has locked herself into.

But I can’t give myself this certainty right now and why can I not. I can only pretend and deny the terrified parts in me and tell them you guys are not real you don’t exist. I can shut them up. Does make them go away? Absolutely not. They come up out of no where screaming “ she s going to die or handicap herself and you ll be left hopeless picking up the broken pieces of her nightmare” do something!!!! What to do? that is a mystery. Day after day I see only tiny glimpses of clarity, not bright enough to grasp and get the quick fix I so desperately crave for.

I thought I could put you in a box and hide the box where I can see it. The mother part in me says get her out of the box. Let s do something let s do anything anything that is going to slowly bring her to her senses and get her safe again.

The first words I hear in my head before I even open my sleepy eyes when I am just waking up, in the early hours of the day, are yelling with urgency, pressing on me that this little person I gave birth too and promise to protect and support until she has the capacity to take over the task of supporting herself, this little being is not well and is not safe today. In fact this being who s body has out grown her, has not been able to catch up with the expectations that comes with becoming an adult in our today’s society. Her life is about to crash. The little child who once played with children toys, plastic knifes has transformed into a body she can not handle holding what has now turn into sharp blades and knifes and needles. As I am forced, it seems, to hear those words in my head, more fearful thoughts invades my mind and crashes me like a massive and heavy wave, and by the time I open my eyes and move back frantically into my body to get out of bed and run away from torturing myself further but then I am already wishing I could go back to sleep. I wish for my mind to wake up empty of fearful and resentful words but it isn’t magically possible I am being told. Until I work the steps that no longer interrupts me to enter and sit in that safe peaceful space in my inner system. In harmony with all the parts in me that were left behind through trauma, no longer afraid of inviting and allowing those intimidating thoughts until then the contraction the punishment will still over work me.

To her child: The addict part in you has highjacked you for a while and continues it s strategies to remain the most important, the one and only, the part in you running the show. It is your boss your lover your family your best friend your worst enemy your god. In the driver’s sit the part tells you it is saving your life like no one could. You hear it’s voice and the instructions it delivers loud and clear. You follow it, with all the power and more, that you possess within. That part has you spend more passion into getting money to buy drugs, more patience to get to the drugs than you ve ever to love yourself in a true way. You are falling apart you are loosing touch with what is reasonable inside and outside of you but that god of yours is telling you how to disguise the broken and devastated side in you, it helps show the world and yourself an appearance that looks like you ve got it. I m good. It makes fool your own mother giving her the impression that, “you” not “it” is in charge while it hides behind you and control the muscles in your mouth that lies to her and on your face that smiles. Your mother knows better she s not fooled by the “ I m taking care of self act you perform”. As it continues to orders you to look good and innocent and convinces you and everyone around you that who is not feeding it is the enemy and you it s victim. It shows you how to put up a begging act of this helpless little person who life was messed up by some crazy parents then some dysfunctional high school kids then a corrupted system, making others believe that if they help you they are the open good hearted being on this planet , and because ppl want to be good ppl want to right ppl care to look good, ppl want to look good, ppl want to be seen as good they will jump into that ppl pleaser good guy got to earn your trust category and do exactly what you have been ordered by the addict and the borderline part in you to ask of them.