My stomach is hurting from an intensity I have not felt for a very long time. When Shaheen my son died and I carried his little body in my arms for one last time before I had to hand him over to the nurse and it was goodbye. Fear. Agonizing fear was stirring and crunching in my guts. Mixed with that intensity came thoughts. Scary thoughts, like, she s very close to the end of being my daughter in this life time. She is dying it is the end, do something, do what find her fight with her till her last breath? Fight asking her to get herself help and save herself? Then more thoughts like “she suffering her slow death why can i not hold her hand and help her pass in peace like any mother would when her child has a terminal diseased and is sitting by her child hospital bed? No…..this has to be dirty, dark, heavy, I can not take the amount of suffering she is inflicting upon herself because she made a decision to die but it is illegal to say I had enough. I don’t want to be saved. I don’t want to participate in this charade and continue on playing this ugly role I toke on while I witness most my Highschool friends getting along and fitting in. I don’t fit in. I m in pain and I want the pain to go away. A slow death but very painful and very lonely is my only way out from this show. I want out… that is her plan that is all she is communicating these days for the last year. She is fading away and I have to watch her do that. Fucking why? The worst part is hearing her angels of darkness like Billy tell me “she looked fine” when I asked him how he had found her when he last saw her two days ago. Define fine in your universe Billy. I don’t call Kiki “fine” when all she does all day is go from one person who also struggles with addiction to another and begs them to injected into her scared and shy veins, a poison that is slowly shutting her down and killing her. On the top of that her vein shy away as the needle gets close to it and the drug misses the target and her arm becomes inflamed swells up then gets infected, the infection moves from one side of her body to the next by the time she realizes her body is failing her she gets herself taken to the ER gets antibiotics gets out of the ER and repeats the same torture over again. How much tolerance to suffering and pain for someone who is doing all she can to avoid pain?

All these really hard devastating thoughts were brewing inside my head and my stomach. They felt like they were killing me slowly too. It was really hard. I was desperately looking for someone to help me sit with those intense terrifying thoughts and feelings. I woke Bastiaan up. At first I just made it about hearing sounds under the house moving through our heat pipes. Feral cats or raccoons often get underneath the house and move a lot a night to stay warm in the winter. We sat in the living area and our four cats joined us. At first they looked at us puzzled specially Teaspoon. Her eyes told us “hey guys aren’t you usually asleep at this early hour our the day?… “it was 2am. I reassured her and from one minute to the next Amazon Teaspoon and Netflix were wrestling with each other. At times they were playing rough, specially Netflix being twice the size of his sisters and not always realizing his strength, we would hear the sound cats makes when the fight gets a little too serious and they try and impress with they vocal cords. Teaspoon jumped on the yoga trapeze and swing herself forward to slap Netflix on his head. When Teaspoon jumps on the trapeze she proudly knows none of the cat can get to her this way and she gives us that look that says “I won this match” and we laugh and we praise her telling her she is so smart and she knows that and looks like one very happy little cat Teaspoon.

I then turned towards Bastiaan and said “I don’t know what to do with this Chris guy who keeps on calling me from jail, to tell me that Kimia s life is in danger and if I don’t save her she will die.” Why doesn’t he call the police? Why does he call me? He knows more about her situations than I do at the moment. I have no idea where she is. She doesn’t want to quit using she probably just wants to make her arm feel better so she can continue injecting.