Alone with my parts.

Monday morning right after I seeing the end of the movie the I fell asleep watching last night, TheProfessor with Mr Depp, I find us sitting on the couch staring at the hairs Fluffy had shedded in her cage the previous summer and that I refuse vacuuming to mark that space as hers and hers only. Soft hair trapped in between the thin iron bars of what remains my bunnies’s cage, the sun entering through the front door revealing what a stranger could think as dirt and what I think of something left behind that reminds me of Fluffy’s sweetness and what was once her existence in a period of me life.

The house is almost clear from Bastiaan’s presence as he flew away to Holland the previous afternoon. I forgot to close our bedroom blinds before I went to bed last night, so today unlike any other mornings, from where I am sitting all that comes out through the bedroom door is an early bursting through summer morning sun, instead of a quiet and still dark shadow peeping in between the gap that is noticeable on the floor that would normally support him in squeezing an extra hour of valuable and regenerating sleep. It s bright here. No one in the house but me and the sun. It is the first time since we moved into this house that not even our bunnies s physical presence is here. The cats are out greeting the early hour of a fresh morning. I do hear high pitch songs of different birds with me in and the sun the house. The sound of many birds echoing from where they are spread out in the trees that surround our house. Feeling a gentle and fresh breeze floating it s way inside the house through the mosquito net, leaving a small opening at the bottom for the cats to come in and out. To come in and out of what I want their home to be a cat heaven before they one day enter heaven for real.

I am sensing some of my parts protecting me from thinking to deeply about the absence of Bastiaan in the house. His physical absence in our life for the next coming days is unusual and alarms some of my parts. Some other parts are curious about what this Holliday house in early May appears like with only us in it. Are we ready to be left alone in all that space? all these days? Have we matured enough into more Self energy to not traumatize ourselves like we did the previous year?

Yes all alone away from other human beings. Seven and maybe more days of being here in the middle of no where at the Lake Delton Wisconsin holiday house sort of isolated from human contact by choice on one hand and not. My best friend, my partner my husband’ s focus and energy today is rightly across the ocean holding his family into a light of strength, hope and freshness. The purpose of this trip this time is new and will leave in our memory a sense of walking into the unknown. Not knowing what will happen to Barbara, Bastiaan s little sister who was lately diagnosed with an inoperable and untreatable kidney cancer due to the serious infection that surrounds the cancer.

I respect and support his energy with his family walking through a not knowing zone on how this is going to begin or end, or not being aware of what this journey is really about and how long will this last. I do hope that any suffering that comes out of this hard experience will not disable any of them. No one deserves to suffer the loss or the might loose, of a loved one. No one deserves to become ill from the passing into a state, that our humanness have forgotten about, of eternal form…

I m not sure what the link is between the movie I finish watching this morning and the situation that Barbara and her family is now facing. But I can’t help thinking that there is one.

Can one fully be at peace and accept the fact that death of the physical form is very close? At some point I saw fear and hurt and sadness a lot of sadness. It feels like a lose the end of something very big and important. Something final. More final than final.