I was done. Done with enduring the hurt from punishment and isolation. It was following me everywhere. I could not ignore nor avoid it like my brother was able to. It hunted me. It had become a shadow I could see standing behind me with a knife.

That day was an one of those days where insanity took over my mind. He said I can’t be with you anymore, and that s all I heard. Abandonment echoed a thousand times, circulating from my head to my toes, up and down so fast I lost my breath.

Someone save me please I am in so much pain I will not survive that amount of hurt, that amount of anger. The rage I feel, the situation I can not control but try so hard to grasp and make sense of, is intoxicating me. I beg him. I beg him again don’t leave. The words were not coming out of mouth. All I do is think, why are you such a monster. I hate you. You have a cold ugly and unbreakable stone instead of your heart when words come out of your mouth spitting poison that blinds me from seeing that I can not save us only me. I can’t believe you have already forgotten that mountain of pain I have climbed a few month ago when we buried our son. Have I not suffer enough how much more of me crushing do you need to witness?

If you leave I will loose him all over again. Those where all I could think of. You were the closest to him that became this vast empty space I could not bare standing on alone. I can not go through this much pain again. I can not. I will vanish. The smallest, the tiniest part in me who still thinks there is hope for me to have a life will become invisible or so small I won’t see it and it will be swallowed.

I can’t take this. I can not. This is unbearable. The pain. The suffering. It is irreparable to you. I m doing everything I can to convince you otherwise but you don’t hear me. The pain you are experiencing is louder and try to get louder. Louder than your suffering and mine together. I am going to loose the glimpses of clarity that could guide me away from you with dignity. Why are you so heartless to someone who needs you close I screamed. Why are you punishing me again and again, pushing me away and treating me like I am a stranger or perhaps coming too close to you it scares you. You just opened your heart and offered $50 to this complete stranger sitting on the floor homeless consumed by the alcohol that numbs your suffering. You celebrate his downfall and destroy happiness.

That day was hard. I screamed red in my face like a child who lost her mum in a store and is petrified he will never see her again. I screamed until I was out of breath then drunk from this energy I spent while I begging you to keep me alive and not leave. You left. You ran. I ran after you trying to stop you but I couldn’t keep up and I stoped realizing there was nothing I could do I gave up.

I was alone and that moment felt like it would never end and as if I deserved the punishment I was getting there was no one I could reach out to and ask for help. The guilt and the pain of being wrong and not good enough once again was burning me in hell.

I looked for a bottle of pain killer I could swallow to fall asleep on never to wake up was all I could think of.