These unspoken invisible rules in the US I am still not use to…. I find it so hard after 13 years working at including myself into a brand new culture, and language, to hear someone say. “ Hey I ll come over and help you fix the floor in your kitchen” or let s go for a coffee or play tennis or a walk in the park next week. Then comes next week and nothing. These words full of joy and excitement that gave me a sense of belonging here have become lifeless, but I m still activated and still invested by the energy we gave to these words the previous week. What is behind the disappointment or maybe the hurt of someone not showing up and not committing? But also what hides behind the fear of just saying nothing or even the word NO right away or the words I am not available, I can not commit, don’t count on me because I am finding it so hard to count on myself these days. Can we learn that relying on each other is actually not only a bad thing?
Then a tiny part in me faintly whispers, “is there anything I said that made him shy away? “ “no honey you did not” so why this sudden unexplainable empty space between us? Then an other part in speaks and says. “It all a mystery to me human interactions”
Of course if I dare communicating those words to you, you will retrieve behind a rock deep down in the lake, disappear where the sound of my voice calling you, can not be heard. Wait until my shadow moves out of the way and the ray of the sun warms you back up to the surface. One day our path will meet once more in a store perhaps, you will hide behind your shopping basket and tell me your time belongs to the family who is waiting for your return home. I will smile back and wish you the best and we will wave goodbye like two strangers never to see again.
These last decade of my life I have only met the kind from my old self my old life I left behind the life I am saying goodbye to but apparently don’t really want to. Parts in me don’t want to say goodbye. I am path crossing the people I moved on from but did not have the courage or at the time the capacity to end things clean and courageously. I quietly sneaked out the back door when everyone was asleep and I was gone. Like a thief in the night I abandoned the mess I left behind. Those who still relied on me were hurt.