Heavy. So heavy.

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Nothing comes out, it stays inside like it always has, it is so hard to use words and describe.

Describe the turmoil that weights me down to the point of paralysis.

I can t move I can’t reach out to anyone I want to talk to someone but no one is available to support me lifting the heavy weight of a past.

I can not feel like I belong anywhere or around anyone because I still belong to the past.

He remembers. He remembers the torture.

Those days when mom and dad would fill up the sink with water and force our head inside the water until something would happen to our breath.

They will never make that same mistake again after being punished this way they would proudly say to each other. While us, kids had no idea at the time. We children had no idea that the punishment was more than punishment. It was a torture. It was abuse. At that age with that experience I had already came close to “ I am going to die”

The head pushed inside the sink full of water.

Today no one has the strength to hold me and support the heaviness of remembering this horrific memory.

I am alone in this this past this horrible nightmare belongs to me alone no one can carry even the smallest part of it with me to make it lighter.

What do I do with this memory? Why did he have to drop that on me?