The first word that comes to mind,

when I think of you today. Is a word that some parts in me have wanted for so long to exclude entirely out of my system and want nothing to do with yet some other parts in me used as a warm comfortable protective blanket.

Yet this four letters word screams loud and clear for my attention today more than ever.

Yet I push it away, I pray about it, I expose it, and hide it at times.

It is visible, it is felt by anyone who shows up my way.

It is intolerable for most, it is intolerable.

That word is pain.

I am slowly waking up and zooming in to the fact that what you mirror back to me is not only the pain you are in.

What is screaming for attention is not just your pain.

I had to store that pain in my system and use as reserves for protection, for safety.

Did I just say using pain for safety?

In pain parts in me were safe and parts in me hated it.

Some have whispered to me you are insane.

No I am asleep. I am blinded by the chaos. The pain and it’s mechanism has its own program I was trapped in.

I would go to sleep at night was able to reconnect with a space in me that knows nothing of that program. In the morning I would feel safe regenerated and free ten minutes later I would trap myself back into that program.

Today parts in me are saying enough.

Bring that pain forward already give it the love it needs

Some parts say no fucking way….

On this early morning of what was suppose to be summer, twenty year after we first met.

Walking through the secret garden of my heart I stand firm on the ground and smile until I hear the sound of an ambulance or a police car.