Not half a day goes by and I am not thinking of you.

I can not help obsessing over the fact that, what you and I, want for you, creates a conflict between us.

I have days when I have zero control over the hurt I experience when Flash back of images that you tried so hard to mask when we last saw come to mind.

Clouded images of your eyes locked into a fear mode, colors of your skin ever so pale tattooed with bruises and track marks.

Bruises left by infected needles in your arms and legs leaving you swollen and almost lifeless. Seeing you surrounded by a large and dark aura I feel the urge I need to protect myself from.

Everything I see hear touch feel reminds me of what is left of your existence today or it also reminds me of some memories of you prior the risky path you embarked on.

Overall, in truth, in my awaken state you are gone. You left not to return. Not to return pure, but further traumatized. Yet disillusioned. I am looking for you.

Where are you?

Days, months, years. pass. You are still standing up and your heart, beating, still. As long as you are able to feed your body with a pain blocker you are under the illusion that your life is on the right track.

There is very little, if any, influence I have on you today that can support you to reconnect with the part in you you are trying so hard to run away from.

A dark circle of wondering lost souls who have to lie to themselves and world, and rob others to survive as they pretend the drug is their only savior is your reality today.

Your obsession with darkness scares me and brings us far apart.

Yet I am looking for you.

In the early hours of Monday morning I am not sure if I am asleep or awake. I notice my body moving towards a door I can open.

And Here you are.

Clean, your face is shining from the efforts you are making to remain sober. You look radiant. Alone a pile of clothes next to where you are sitting when you see me you remember.

You remember this dynamic between us that you have to re-ignite the second you see me.

You demand that I do something for you. That I feed the part of you who craves for your love and your attention, doing the same thing you did for so long that created a bigger separation between fragmented parts in yourself, expecting that this time it will be different this time your demand will end the craving for that love and will fill the empty space that is intolerable inside of you.

Exhausted to have to repeat this action that caused you more harm than good, I stop you right away.

Words poured out of my heart.

I need to simply be around you. I also need to see you be around me.

The silence of that. Us being able to stare at each other in the eyes until we melt into vastness of the love we feel for one another.

Or perhaps the hurt that as been left here untouched between us waiting for us to it give attention love and it’s freedom.

Put the urge to ask for something I must give you, on the side for a while.

Stand next to me empty handed even if your heart is securely locked. Sit next to me free for just a day, of any expectation and move through the discomfort of how boring it gets when you have nothing that distract you away from feeling the heaviness of the burdens we carry together.