My system is noticing the changes from the old and tired ready to give up, to something else, something very new, yet quite familiar to my soul.

This game of external power I exercised with my surrounding for a while is slowly being disactivated.

You think you can still give me the responsibility of your actions and how your actions make you feel. You make me the god of what happens inside of you, I have the power to switch that hurt button on and off. That goes for the both of us.

I want out a parts in me yells……

I am no longer able to take what is uncomfortable for you as my responsibility. No matter how hard that is for you. Here is your load. Pick it up from where it landed right between us and stand right by dealing with it. I am here just not the way I use to be. That s hard I know.

Well I picked up your load as a child, so why don’t you pick up mine now.

You picked up my load very true and I ever so sorry you had to do that it was not your to pick up even if you felt you had to to get approval from me and I was totally blind of this happening. I had no awareness of that unhealthy dynamic I also picked it up from the generation above. Would I have known about this and how to get support to learn something new sooner I would have certainly done my best to protect you and have you drop that load off.

You pay interest in our relationship and call only when things are unmanageable in your life. I get super uncomfortable and impatient I want to fix your stress just like I use to.

What ever happened to a call to just check on me to let me know you r having fun.

The ones with more power will not listen to your chaos why would you want me weak with you where you are.

When you get mad when I let it drop, not react and not resolve your mess. The mess that happens when we transition from childhood to an independent adult into a self absorbed society.

You are frustrated. You know exactly how to let me know how hard you r having it.

We are getting lost with words. Words are like a wild stream that feel fun and exciting at first until the current takes over and I hit a rock or a branch. Suddenly the pain then the fear will take me out of focus I can’t see and think clear anymore and you have me hooked as I caught the first bait for safety.

When you are nice to me I get obsessed with you. I ll do anything for you. I ll fix you, take the heavy load you want me to carry but the second you make a wrong move I will remember my wounds and how I hurt. I will a sudden gravity pulling me down by the weigh of both our heaviness. Then I ll throw it all back you out of anger make you responsible for taking it on. Deep down you know that.

Here is the question you didn’t ask. What do I need.

I feel and notice the fear and pain you are convince yourself you are stoke in.

Parts in me are freaking out when you throw the guilt or the threat part to get me to fix your pain and your fear.

More than ever I invite this discomfort as an opportunity to be compassionate to these parts who will throw our system out of balance.

How will I ever be able to offer the hurt and disturbed parts in you compassion unless I am able to offer compassion to the parts in me who also feel disturbed and hurt.

Being present with the fear my parts go through letting them know I am here with them, untouched by the chaos, alive, bright, loving noticing what is going on inside inviting them in a safe place. Yes there is a place for these exiled parts and their protectors in my presence to move through the disturbance without getting traumatized.

In the past I could not be seen and heard by the parts in me who were in charge of the daily disorganized routine.

Loud and terrified to let something new something bigger take over.