I m getting out today, my friend s giving me the money to bail me out.

No……. Absolutely not….. stay inside a little longer until we have you in rehab, please use this moment inside to strengthen the part in you who does not want the drug and to weaken the other part of you the addict part, who is quietly waiting and pushing you out of of this uncomfortable posture you find yourself in to use again.

I am miserable. what kind of mother wants her kid to be miserable.

I do because right now miserable is keeping you alive. It is also making you stronger. Miserable tells me where my daughter is and how safe she is, when I first wake up in the morning and When I go to sleep at night I know she is still alive.

Yes I know you are miserable. I also get that this is unbearable and what if miserable today offers you the first step to your freedom in a long run? What if missable can be your free pass to a better more healthier life?

If this is what it takes to keep you safe while you are building some strength I choose that over and over again. It will make so much sense when you are fully on your way to recovery one hundred percent firmly committed.

For now please take miserable in your arms and make it your best friend. Remember that for a while you made your drug dealer the most important person in your life, even though one day you ll look back and see he wasn’t really a friend to you. Know that soon enough your efforts in sitting firmly with the discomfort of being with miserable, will be rewarded. Once you see those efforts strengthening the best in you and integrating what you don’t like about yourself you ll never be afraid of miserable again.

You have tried so hard to avoid the uncomfortable part of living a responsible and a healthier life these last years. While using a substance that has cut you off from everything and everyone, that has cut you off from feeling the ups and downs, as well and the growing up pains of life. Those loss the grieving the hurting that we all have to look straight in a face and say “keep moving moving” . All you did these last months of your life beside from picking up some bad habits, is simply, press the pause button on this part of your life. It is still waiting for you to reconnect and take a full bite at it. Use all the energy you have today to face feeling the beauty and also the ugly part of life. Use your life force within to explore what gives you life instead of what destroys and kills you.

If you are not able to do this for yourself try and do for me your mother right now.

Part 2

I cried, confused, disappointed, it s all blurry now.

She s not safe anymore. An easy target to predators.

She s saying that she doesn’t want to use anymore and I believe the part of her who genuinely wants to stay clean and also don’t trust the part in her who is quietly sitting in a corner patiently waiting for her check her phone and gets pull on the side while the addict part in her sneaks in and knocks her on the head and hypnotizes her to press that number and call her dealer. I don’t trust that part to be in her full control just yet. I can’t control that part myself her mother, no one can.

I forget that the time of her release from the bondage of that illness is firmly written down I just don’t know when that is. I am impatient for it to happen soon, now, today I demand.

I don’t know when and not knowing can be so triggering. I am restless in the unknown. Miserable just like she is.

I ll stay ok mum but can you put money in my book so I can call you and get candies and some snacks.

Snack ok I get that …. But Candies? Sugar? An other poison my baby wants her blood stream to get intoxicated with?

Detox please…..get it all out of your system while you can. Stay pure. Stay like the clean water that you drink daily. Untouched by what seems yummy and gives you a false sense of comfort. I get you have a long way to go before you can grasp what I am trying to explain to you. I get that. But at least be aware of how it is affecting you be conscious that it is affecting you it is unhealthy for you even though everything in you tells you to consume it.

It is true that sugar highjacks your thinking it makes you the zombie you can t afford to be right now, just like your anxiety pills. You can’t think clear anymore. You blood sugar rushes to a high and suddenly brings it right back down as fast as it went up. Your moods become a slave to the rapid high and the low of that chemical that get released in your brain then body. It may seem like a short term fix. A feeling good for now but it certainly feeds bread crumbs to your addiction in your system. Without you noticing the addict creeps back in and by the time you know it it has full control over your emotions, your nervous system and your life style.

What? You r not going to let me have some type of pleasure while I m inside. I could get out today I just told you, so I m giving in to you here so can you give in to me too?

Shit yes you are. You are giving in to me. You are wright. You r not inside because you want to strengthen the part of you you have pushed out of the a way and neglected this last years. You r not inside to give your system a chance until you get to rehab. You are only inside because I cried for that to happen and I showed you the vulnerable part in me who desperately wants her daughter safe away from the slightest temptation to use again and over dose.

I asked you if you could stay until we can get you a bed in rehab it could take a couple more weeks and that s a blessing. The connection is bringing you to the top of the list. You could be waiting for months. I wish you could separate the two though.

Asking you to stay and you asking for money to give you some satisfaction and relieve while staying where you don’t want to be, have to be two separate topics. One has nothing to with the other, otherwise it fits in the bargaining box which I want to avoid doing with you more and more.

The addict mind convinces, bargains, threatens, lies, steals, shits, and manipulates, those are strategies or tools used to remain activated. Every time I notice you using one of those tools I freeze inside. I know I can’t move forward with you and you insist pulling one tool after the other to get your way.

No. The words no is a threat. It is the most uncomfortable word to hear someone else speak. It takes you right to your tool box and get you to get all your tools out to dismisss that word No. What if for once I said no and you were to say out loud ok mom I invite your no no matter how hard that is I invite in. See how empowering that is. No doesn’t mean a wall and abandonment or neglect no means I don’t have the capacity to give you what you r asking for at this point . But I love you and I can work out ways you could find to get what you want.