I don’t want to die

Your system is still getting use to not use any legal or illegal substances. 

You are in a phase of transitioning into relying on your mind and body s natural resources. It will feel like a death experience. But that kind of death you need to celebrate.

All the pills and drugs you had to eat these last years to suppress how you are feeling now and how you were feeling then are no longer there so you will start feeling a lot. This will be uncomfortable for a while and that is the work you are doing. Sitting with how uncomfortable internal and external feelings are is what most human came here to master here on earth. There is something amazing happening in you every time you are able to become aware of what happens inside you then still your mind even while inside and outside your body notices a total chaos. That what Jesus demonstrated on the cross for us. He demonstrated the peace he felt. the connection with God he experienced while around him it was hell and unconscious. 

It s easy said than done and it happens one step at a time. You will fail at it many time but you will forgive yourself for your failures over and over again and you will on walking that conscious path home into your heart. 

Every single conflict becomes an opportunity to reconnect within and listen and feel the chaos until peace reveal itself and comforts you for real this time, then you find yourself above the battle ground. Love pores through every dimensions into your mind and heart, it s a pure shower of bliss that cleans all the darkness you had intoxicated yourself with, and the chaos around you becomes meaningless in its true sense. You are home. 

Your body and your mind have to adjust to it s natural way of dealing with the up and of life again. 

You said….These women are messing with my head..

You said…Dark…

I m not sure I am ok. Am I ok mom? Am I going to be ok?

I don’t want to die.

I don’t want you to die either Kiki.

The drugs gave you this false impression that you were invincible and tougher than you actually are, without them you are still the vulnerable little girl who feels very unsafe in this double edged sword world. The little girl who is afraid of it s own shadow and all the growing up pain one experiences to mature into making peace with our shadow in a responsible independent creative adult manner. 

Taking the risk to connect with your own strength, and not fear the dark your perceive when you see life through the lenses of your shadow. Taking the risk to reconnect with your own  power can be scary and at time disturbing. But it won’t be as disturbing as what you put yourself through while you trie so hard to avoid that connection. 

That connection is a feeling of being home inside there is a peace that no one and nothing can disrupt within and that is your connection with what created you as a spirit. 

As human we are more connected to our body’ s safety and learn that as we grow up as children. Surviving is our main focus and it is mainly done by the care taker we fully rely on, the adults around us. As we become adult we learn to focus less on survival and more into connecting and relying with our mind, our inner power and that is what brings us safety. A true safety not a primal one. That safety and the power you possess within is what you call home. Is what you want to reconnect with.

There is no other home for our spirit than the inner wisdom we channel when our mind is clear of clutter, fear and conflict. 

Your happiness depends not on external distraction and needs.

The high you have looked for to feed your body some pleasure and comfort is not at all the same high you get when you feed your spirit. 

The high you feed your body will disconnects you from the high your spirit seeks for and needs.

 Sadly the body high has to become a body low in constant need for high. In constant avoidance of the low.

The body will find its high in fear, in relationships and the anxiety that belongs to the unhealthy dynamics, if no drugs are available. It also finds its high in darkness, in conflict, in stress, in chaos, in sugary and starchy food. The body becomes tolerant of the consistency that becomes a safety, of ups and the downs, of how creative the body gets in the dark, in disconnecting with the spirit. It feel powerful in control. The body becomes it s spirit s rival. 

A battle for darkness begins.

There is a competition that becomes solid that becomes the battle between the body and the spirit. Only the spirit doesn’t fight it shrinks and it s light becomes deem and you can hardly see your Self. You loose your sense of belonging and Oneness. You r disconnected with what wants the best for you. Anywhere you go doesn’t feel like home around ppl who loves you feel isolated and terrified. 

That is why my love your time is up, the war against yourself is almost over. The battle for the true meaning of what love is where you are heading towards now.

You didn’t know how to light your on fire and feel warm and at peace inside. As parents we did that for you the best we knew how but we didn’t have the capacity to teach you the skills you needed to ignite the spark your spirit has so you could shine bright the light you are.

Home is the connection that happens between your physical aspect your body and your spiritual aspect your spirit. When the two are not synchronized you feel homeless and unsafe and your body survival mechanisms kicks in and gives you a false sense of being home and feeling safe. You spirit is left behind and that way you never truly feel happy and connected and home. 

The battle against yourself is coming to an end and you are here to observe what happens to you when your mind shifts from destructiveness to becoming the pure innocent untouched free spirit that you are. 

Observe and still your mind back to its natural condition, perfect peace.

In that I support myself in that I support you.

I love you always 

Your mom.