Spinny time …… more spinny times….. Do you remember turning around in your room in London having fun feeling the excitement of swirling like a dervish ….. This tinny video clip on your kid instagram wall I ve been watching over and over again.

Makes me smile and reminds me of how full of life and light you are and your funniness

your playfulness

your cuteness.

I have been thinking of ways to connect with you.

I have been wanting to set up this women or this mother daughter week end healing retreats we could go to you and I.

Or setting you up with an IFS therapist or an NVC coach ideas come and go and all I need is a willingness on your end.

I have been working really hard on myself trying to master the art of not getting swallowed and killed by my anxiety.

And this is what I tried and worked on for a while.

Let me show you.

Try and learn to see yourself as multiple not just as this “I” you refer too most of the time this “I” that is bad at times and good at times. When it good your happy everyone else s happy but when it is bad your world is crushing down and the more you feel that way about the “I “ the more you believe that this is what you are. But that s not true you are not the I …… am an addict or I …. The anxious being and a slave to what anxiety has to offer …. Which makes me the I a slave of a tone of piles to keep that anxiety quiet. You Kiki are more that the addict or anxiety that has highjacked your life this last few years. You are more than the little girl who disconnected with mum at an early age. And that more that you are is untouchable it has not suffered trauma it has not been damaged it is just sitting at a blind spot in your mind because the addict part inside you has been louder and more powerful. The addict the anxious those are just parts inside but they don’t define who you are truly. You are not the addict your blended with an addict part in you. You are the anxious or the lazy or the failure or the bad you are blended with parts in your inner system who have burden themselves at some points in your life with the belief that you are lazy not good enough addict and so on…. You are not just this I you are multiple we all are multiple with a Self energy that connects and parts that disconnect us.

I ll explain again only because it made so much sense to me.

Multiple meaning your internal system is not just made of one person but of one Self energy with a lot of parts.

You have the part of you who is 1 day old an other part 4 years an other part 8 or 12 or sixteen. You also have parts who protects those younger parts in your system from being shamed or called out or pushed or or hurt in any possible ways. One of your protectors is addiction this part helps you to not feel pain it works really hard.

You have an other part inside that you may call your inner critic this part protects you from doing something wrong is criticize what you just said or what the other person just said or did and this way an part comes in and helps you gets right for the next time or helps get away from the one who your inner critic just looked down on.

You perfectionist part will help you get things done right or have high expectations on other to get things done right for you here is an other protector part.

We have so many parts in our inner system we are not aware of. Each part play a significant role and have a valuable function to keep us safe. At we time we get exhausted and become really anxious because some inner parts are in conflict with some other parts. Like the addict part who want to get you to not feel anything is in conflict with the part in you who knows that life is about feeling things and without feeling we not fully alive we hold ourselves into limbo we become lifeless.

Thank God we have a Self with a big S Self is an energy that is with you from birth and connected to your spirit and your body it s like a bridge. It is calm by nature it is very creative it is curious it is extremely courageous. When you are in Self energy you are connected to the qualities of it you are calm you creative courageous curious compassionate confident. It feel like a wiser energy in you.

When you are blended with a childlike part or a part that feel very anxious, all you notice is what that part wants you to do to fix the discomfort and fix a situation what ever that may be. You can detach yourself from the part and return to Self energy just by saying

Hi anxious part

I see you

I am here for you

The anxious parts feels validated, seen supported and relaxes. It steps back. The more we practice doing this with our parts the easier it gets.

A part may need more of your attention you may have to sit with the part and listen to what it needs to say to you. You could write it all down listen to the part because that really all it listen you to listen to it.

At times you may have an other part taking over and pretending to be Self so check to see how that feels inside of you don’t feel open hearted towards the part when you ask “how do I feel about this anxious part inside?” then acknowledge the part that just showed up let her know you see it.

The first time I tried I was washing some dishes and I notice my mind racing with thoughts and my breath became shallow my body all tensed up. I stopped what I was doing I turn my body around and said out loud

Hi anxiety Hi!!! I am here suddenly my mind s activity slowed down I was observing what was going on internal. Then I said I am here I see you. Then it became all quiet inside I waited and I notice the anxiety relaxing and I put my hand on chest to warm it up and soften my breath and after a few seconds my breath came back to normal.

Just this mindfulness practice with my inner part allowed me to regain power over what was becoming unmanageable.

Anxiety shows up a lot in my system and a lot of time when I talk to you or someone else who is enmeshed with their anxious part my anxious part shows up too and I would need to practice giving this part compassion more and to support and give your part compassion too.

I am still learning…..

Some parts inside are aware of your fear of death, or the boredom you feel or your lack of inner strength as a threat, like a fire inside of you. What the parts do when this happens is break into your system demolishes what s around you that may be in the way between it and you, to extinguish the fire. By that time you had stuffed yourself with tones of sugar or used drugs or got into a fight with someone you love. Then there is a depressed part who sees no point in getting out of bed and moving on with your life because it s to hard it says. Then you have a part who distracts you from the fights your fire fighter got into and the depression the other part is experiencing.

There is a part who things nothing works or not fast enough.

And the drugs work way faster.

This part need your attention and reassurance that even though healing takes a moment it is reconnecting you truly with your spirit.

So that part of you when it shows and say this is not working let it know you hear it and let it know you are here and it can take a break and rest because that part is work too hard it seems.

Around you there are a lot of ppl who are entangled with inner parts who feed on drama and fear to keep them busy and to get them to believe that the buzz they get out of that is what life is. In fact they only know they are alive when they feel that buzz. The drama is them