The truth is…..
Are you truly ready to do what it takes to stop using or are you still messing around and playing games. Leading me on just to keep you safe and occupied while you find yourself deprived of what is still valuable to you. The quick fix, the fake high, a dirty bandage on your soar and open wounds. Infested it is unbearable to see what you keep hidden what you turn your head away from.
This last years have been the hardest as far as being a mother. Waking up every morning not knowing if my daughter is alive. Going through my day in absolute terror. When I hear my phone ringing when someone comes to our door when the police or ambulance sirens get my attention, my mind stops my heart races my breath becomes shallow all I notice is this terrified mother inside my head thinking her child has just died.
Going to sleep only taken by exhaustion because the noise of that constant terrorizing voice saying your child s life is at risk the danger is about to kill her, those are the words that screams so loud in my head. I am a slave of your well-being every mothers are slave of their kids s well being.
I am not ok, I am going crazy, I am not available to pull you out of this dark rat whole you buried yourself into. I don’t have what it takes to save you. My mother spend her entire adulthood trying to save her husband from the nightmare that goes on in his head me she now is part of that prison he locked himself in.
The secret is that no one can save no one.
I can only support you in the decision you make to save yourself.
You want me to tell you that you r ok? That everything is going to be ok ? What am I? some kind of Crystal ball reader? How do I know for sure that everything is indeed going to be ok? I don’t truly I don’t and don’t want to tell a lie and pretend that from now on life is going to be this walk in a park when for the last five years all you did is push away my support and my help. Push away everything I made available for you to move on with your life and get the control of the little girl inside who wants to earn her privileges for free without lifting a finger. Without caring. Caring for yourself caring for others in the true sense of the words.
My job as a human being is not to sugarcoat what those last years have been like as a result of decisions you have made to traumatize and destroy parts of you. My job is also not to comfort and fix what is broken and needs repair before life starts becoming more real and more tolerable.
So far what I saw these last years around you is everyone having to do the work for you, you just command, you point your finger in which ever direction you want us to go and we jump just so you won’t die. One person after the other has disappeared out of your life not able to tolerate seeing you destroying the beauty that you possess in you.
I am exhausted. I can not do the work for you anymore. You properties, your recovery, the reassurance you demand are yours to work for. Are yours to take ownership and be responsible for. I m exhausted I am emotionally exhausted. I m not happy with the way your life turn out I m actually really sad about it… and more than that, I have a better word I am disgusted and I am devastated with the way you have tortured yourself….
I did all I could to protect you from you getting the physical and emotional violence I have experienced as a child and you went right behind me and destroy that protective layer I had rapped you around with.
I am heart broken.
But to you, to your face I pretend I am ok that you are going to be ok but I don’t truly know that you r going to be ok because I m not in your head and you don’t know if I am ok because the last years you ve only had to care and think on how to find new strategies for how far and fast you could run away from yourself and me and not give a shit about the one who love you the most.
All I can think of this days is that my daughter doesn’t give a shit about about me and about what I love most in my life….my daughter.
Right now someone really wounded and hurt inside of me hates you so much you have no idea, yes a part of me does, a part of me wants nothing to do with you. That part is yelling at me constantly to let you go to let sort yourself out. To walk away. Yet if I was listening to that part in me, like you listen to the part in you who loves using do you think I would show up in jail? Do you think I would give you the last 20$ of the money I work for and pick the phone when you call? The part in me who speaks louder is getting exhausted every efforts that have been trashed when you decided to use again.
We ve got you you r gonna be fine who truly believes this in their heart when they know that you are not ready to give up your mind set. The way things have been for you.
You and I we are broken and I need repair with you to walk that extra mile with you. Until we repair what s broken I am going to keep it very simple with you.
When you ask me am I ok? Or am I going to get worse here? I will tell you it is up to you.everything is up to you.
You want to do the hard work it takes to see the light at the end of the tunnel are you ready to give up some of the firm believes you have about this life yourself and other around you? Are you ready to work on yourself to the point of not having zero expectations on anyone.
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