Warm

I wish with every cells in my body with all my heart that I could have available for you the warm inside of me that you need.

That warmth you so desperately cling onto and demand of me is protected by an army of soldiers afraid that you will use it to hurt yourself and hurt us.

It is of course not true but that is what my system believes.

My parents used my innocence and my warmth to hurt instead of doing the opposite to that. Not because they are bad people but because they are themselves cut off from the warmth within themselves.

My heart and it s warmth is protected.

I am still figuring out how I can possibly undress myself off of that cold hard metal layer of soldiers around my heart.

It seems like terrorized parts in me have cling to it so hard that taking it off now hurts.

My heart for you is not cold.

It is warm, it is ever so soft. It is as gentle and caring as the kisses I gave you at night before wishing you goodnight. Comforting as the hugs I gave you in the morning before your eyes had adjusted to something else than how safe and warm it felt inside while I was holding you.

I also have a army full of soldiers around it making sure you can not hurt it. Making sure no one even gets too close and tries to kill it.

My heart, in itself, its innocence, how pure it is, does not need nor asks for protection.

It is not affected nor traumatized by external ill being and suffering.

No matter how many stabbing, how many wounds it received, it continues be warm gentle sweet and loving.

Loving is the only function the heart has.

My heart is not just a bitting organ that keeps my body alive until it stops.

It is also a symbol that represents an unconditional offering and openness. A knowing. I was told that knowing is a function that belongs in my head department only. I had to learn that the heart area of the body knows. It knows with a capitol K.

The heart knows not of the mind set and the beliefs and the rules I had to learn so I could become this tolerable and decent being in this world.

The heart knows the truth.

What is the truth that my heart knows that I don’t learn through my intellect?

The truth is…… The truth is an inner expendable warmth and a safe space we can return too when the chaos in our mind starts lying to us. When we forget that this survival mechanism we use until it gets worn out, as tools to navigate this world is not who we truly are. Who we are is…..

Who you are is a function in our earthly realm of consciousness.

That function is a remembering of who you were before perception stepped in front of you and separated you from all that you see with your physical eye.

Your heart my heart sees no separation. It owns all that it sees and experiences, and what it experiences is only warmth and safety it knows everything is connected. There are no borders that makes us different and unique.

So what brings so much chaos in our life?

The chaos in our life is a disturbing layer, through this layer we perceive all that we experience inside and disown the experience by giving it to an external world that we see with our physical eyes. This layer gives us an impression that there is a you and there is an I and that we are different and that what is different between you and I separates us. The separation the different and disowning of the discomfort that those brings internally creates chaos.

My heart is wounded it needs my loving attention and my promise that I will protect it and care for it.

Your heart is wounded and it also needs your tenderness and loving presence as well as the promises to not deliberately attack it.

This last years you have attacked your heart, and I am so sorry that you had to do this. I did it too until I learned that I was here to attack my heart but to make peace with it.

You and I we think we have to use suffering and attacking ourself as a fuel to reconnect and find ways to remember who we are.

Do we really have to do this?

After years of battling with myself to own some false sense of pleasures in addictive behaviors that are death traps. After years of resisting true love, resisting peace in a true sense of the word, resisting what is boring but truly safe and warm once I can still my mind through its chaos and the discomfort that boring brings. After years of self inflicted anxiety I am now at a point where my body my system is exhausted and wants to feel at home, and home is where the heart has a chance to express its love.

Home is where your heart has a chance to express its love through crying singing painting dancing laughing playing creating expending learning and being still and being quiet in the mind so it is safe to be itself.

It is very noisy and drama driven in the mind of one who doesn’t feel home.

The good thing about feeling home and letting our heart be expressive is that it is accessible.

You can access your heart your sense of being home, simply by putting down the tools you are holding in your hands to navigate your life. For one second you can access the Self you have disconnected yourself from the Self who gives you this sense of belonging and warmth and open heartedness.

You heart is not open and warm when you and I speak. It is close. Not because you want it to be closed but because you also have an army of soldiers protecting that from happening.

Your neediness your demand your commands your bossiness your laziness are not of the heart. Those are some strategies you use to connect with your surrounding but that connection is not from your heart.

I long for that true connection between us and for our heart to meet again. I long for you to detach yourself from the tools you have used for a while to keep your heart close. I long for each of the wounds in your heart to close and heal and start over and learn ways to repair any damage that comes your way while returning to the warmth inside you and feel safe and feel home and keep your heart open still.