A Sunday afternoon calling my parents.My dad s right there on the front row, starving, getting something for himself in my world just like before. Is mom ok? How is she doing? is she here with you? I ask.He rapidly brushes that off. Gives me as little information as possible as if he wasn’t getting anything out of this. Makes what s going on with my mom unimportant, meaningless compare to what he is here for.He has not yet understood that I m not calling for him and to practice the old ways with him. I m not here for him. I m here for a women who is his prisoner . The gate keeper that s his role. I am not interested yet I spend way to much of my energy getting a pass and not really obtaining it. I become very personal. I talk to him as if I am either looking for something a little girl needs from a dad or as if I am hypnotized in doing exactly what he wants me to do just like I use to as a little girl.I Show him my home and the work we have done. I am somewhat proud of where I am at and have this need to share that with a father. But this father doesn’t have good intentions towards me and will use what I share with him to destroy me at some point. Then I sit down. Face to face the camera is on. it s uncomfortable but I move through that or….. I dissociate from that. I listen to him talking, it s all about him. Fuck…. my mom s dying she s the one I won’t be able to talk to soon, but he doesn’t care he takes over and makes all about him. He asks me questions like do you have varicose veins and I go on talking about my health while a part in me says shut up do not talk to this guy it s trap is gathering information to attack you at some point. But I carry one I m trapped I am that little girl trapped paralyzed giving him exactly what he wants. It is safe that way, and it isn’t. I think of Bastiaan I call him in my head I can t move and get up to find him and reach out. I feel stoke. This doesn’t feel right. My head hurts and feel like it is spinning in different directions as if I was getting drunk. I think it even shows in my face that I try to control. He notices. I see that, he knows I am noticing how toxic this interaction feels for me he notices I want to run off even though I am staying and listening and continuing giving him what he wants. A battle is happening energetically who s controlling who and he wins. He gives the my phone battery s running out so we have to go… but then I m realizing my internal battery is running low I feel drained dizzy lost. For hours later a part in me revisits and scan through all that I said and judges it just like he would. My head is full thinking about how I said what I said and how didn’t do it right for our system. Exhausted that evening I drop myself to bed and fall asleep waking up alarmed 3 hours later revisiting that interaction hearing loud and clear the words I used during that chat with dad. A panic. I don’t feel good I am awake for a while letting my mind race with should or shouldn’t have and been done and said. Freak out I went to Bastiaan who was still up and I talked to him about how paralyzed I felt and how I wanted to get up and get him to distract me from it all and take me away from his grip. But he said if you don’t have the willingness to ask for help what can I do …. I exploded I stormed out of the room slammed the door and hit with my hands so hard no words came out just rage and wanting to destroy the door I walked away in my room and felt terrible and terrified….