One of the main reason I never wanted to use drugs and get lost in alcoholism to support the amount of suffering my childhood trauma has left me with when I walked away from an abusive home at age 15 is the hurt that I witnessed that my closed ones went through when a member in our family was letting himself ravaged by the addiction… I could never be responsible for inflicting that much pain on someone I care about…. Not consciously at least.

One of the recurring thought that comes to mind when I recall my interaction with someone loosing themselves in the abuse of the substance….. is the thought caring. The words I care while intoxicated is transformed in I could not care less…. I don’t give a …. I don’t care. I don’t care about the ripple effect that my destructive behaviors has on the ppl around me who can’t feel my underlying pain and suffering…. They don’t know what it is to be inside my head my body they can’t take this away from me and they care about that all they want is me to keep going so I don’t care about them. I don’t care about anyone…. I don’t even care about the me who is waiting for me to be done with my addiction… I just don’t care….

I remember the days when I used my intimate relationships for projecting amounts of suffering and stored rage that I had no idea on how to Chanel in way that was productive and expending. I would vomit poisoning and violent words using a threatening tone of voice that would scream from the top of a church at the end of a Sunday mass “I m in pain open your f***g eyes and come and save me” why are you not saving me? Don’t you care about me? but instead I would hear “stop yelling and making a show of yourself everyone can hear and feel your pain and that not comfortable, then I would yell back I don’t care what anyone thinks…..I don’t care who sees my insanity anymore. I don’t care exposing that of me anymore. I just can’t be in that much pain anymore….

Lately after a short period of interaction with my parents/ dad, who s mode of destruction is not alcohol nor drugs but emotional intoxicating by unprocessed trauma or past hurt and formed beliefs around these. I came to realize that the “I don’t care who I hurt attitude” was also present in trauma just the way it is present in someone in active addition what ever form of addiction that is.

The connection between unhealed and unprocessed trauma and addiction was made culturally invisible, unrecognizable and a way to function better stronger in a world where trauma and addiction is not seen for what it is. It is denied because it is culturally seen as normal and used as an acceptable coping mechanism until it gets out of hand and become too visible in how destructive it has become until one can no longer function and over does it. I am seeing now how the two are seriously linked, as I am undergoing my own recovery and healing from addiction to comforting myself while poisoning myself and dying from unprocessed unhealed traumas still store in me. While I am noticing how these are both disconnecting and coping strategies that protect falsely a young wounded unprocessed image, memory of myself I am discovering an underlying layer of energy that crave to be free……… Life brings endless and repetitive opportunities to heal unprocessed wounds trauma yet addiction is a way to protect ourselves from being wounded once again….. what if being a human being was a lesson to learn, not a good nor bad a lesson, but simply a lesson learned where ruptures and wounding follows repair and healing. Repair and healing and not protecting our wounds with either our addiction or intoxicating our selves with stock energy from our past trauma. Cycles of rupture and repair lessons is a way to say I care who I hurt and who don’t I care seeing me in pain and care on how I support myself and other in my wounds and my healing…..