A week ago when Kiki walked out of sober leaving because the meds she was prescribed were giving her side effects she couldnt handle, when she urgently decided to unconsciously sleep walk herself back into the life style that destroyed her these last young years of her life. I once again experienced terror, I went straight into trauma response and thought I was not going to survive this once more….
the terror a mother feels when she knows her kid is going to die.
I called her PO reaching out for support and I was told clearly that the second kiki would relapse and do something that goes against her probation contract she would be arrested and then she would be placed into an involuntary inpatient rehab/ mental health treatment long term program. This means that she would have to stay in treatment until professionals see that her level of readyness to get out and back into an outpatient level care program is there. She said it could be 6 months or more…This option sounded very reasonable and also I was over the moon hearing about it knowing that perhaps this time this was an opportunity for things to turn around…
Kiki was arrested a day after the PO announced me this amazing news…. I was not worried about what came next….
A week passes and kiki’s PO tells her, after picking her up and transporting her to a local jail facility, “tomorrow I ll visit you and we will discuss treatment option”. The next day the PO never showed up and did not follow through talking to kiki about treatment option nor communicate about not showing up. Why? The day after I get a call from kiki’s PO dropping a bomb on me…. saying “I want to let you know that we ve decided to release kiki and give her one more chance into the community before we send her into an inpatient program….” My first impression was “what the f is wrong with you??????don’t you think she s had that last chance already one too many times? An other chance to f***g die????? why are you playing Russian roulette with this kid s life here?
Of course I didnt spill these words of terror onto the PO but I did say that this was too high of a risk and her words of care and hope for kiki today wasnt matching those of last week… What happen???? what changed????…. We were making progress now what???? I couldnt believe they were ready to take that risk, and why would they take that risk when a week ago the reason they arrested her at the first place was apparently because they saw her life was at risk…
What as changed since a week ago???? As she matured this time around since you last told her about inpatient treatment options ???? are you seeing something I am not if so please educate me here because I m freaking out????

Again why did they see a potential high risk then to save and offer her a treatment option and suddenly change their mind about it?

They r quick to yell outloud statistics and high numbers of death from suicides and overdoses and have means to help and avoiding this to happen and they choose to not too…

the system fails assisting patient with mental illness and addiction once again. We have been reaching out for professional help for the last 8 years and over and over again it is a let down a massive disappointment.. This hurts
So when you see someone today or tomorrow on the road and you know they r struggling with what kiki s struggling with, know that this person isn’t getting the support and level of profesional care she needs and is asking for her or her family was asking for. Notice the discomfort you feel when you see the pain they carry in them for not meeting there needs for care and effectiveness and so much more and heal that within you. Know that this is not just a matter of bad behavior or an unwillingness to get help but a result of a mind set we all contribute too….. and please pray or send love and kindness thoughts to warm up their hearts and bring some clarity the smallest so they notice that love is there still that never fails….

Pray to also change a system that sets them up for failure….

Pray for the families the mothers who s job is to worry and try and come up with solutions is full time nights and days….

Today the heart of the mother part in me is aching, her tears has dried the skin around her eyes, her stomack cramping from being terrified of loosing her child, her breathing is shallow, restless in her mind what to do how to fix this impossible situation….

A shout out to all mothers who’s heart is aching tonight at 3 am not able to sleep… what is peace when your child s life is at risk in a powerless position and situation???? When everything you ve tried has failed and all you can do is wait for that call from the police asking you to come and identify the cold and dead body of this innocent beautiful baby you gave birth to a minute ago…. A nightmare I hand over to my higher power…Again and again…..

I am so sorry you have to experience this I hope and pray you find it in you not to die and destroy yourself along the one you love and see destroying him or herself …

The system has to update their approach to a genuine compassionate one. Spend minutes, hours, days, volontaring with these mothers so wounded from the amount of energy they spend hoping holding on supporting and letting go, feel the pain they go through day in and day out even when they say ok i need to save myself now and step back and let it play out God in your hands now. The system also need updating the level of support they can offer the whole family and the community to make it back the village the patient needs to feel supported and loved enough until they can love themselves… The system need to educated the public and the kids at school about mental illness and addiction with compassion and stop shaming this situation and also spend days with addicts in their circles and see what they go through inside their head and body when everyone turn their back on them them and pretend they don’t exist…