She, who ever she is, if she is giving me zero loving energy, ghosting me after she read the message, not responding.

You scare ppl away by looking at there wrong doing. In seeing the worse in everyone and arguing about it in the privacy of your own head, intoxicating your heart, suffocating the awareness of your spirit your energy is focused away from love.

Everyone s working so hard at bringing the best qualities within themselves and you show up reminding them of their worse one. Your approach is one that disconnects you to yourSelf and you to others. The lack of compassion you have in yourself you have it for others too. There is an unspoken dialogue happening between the two of you. An invisible interaction happens where you practice your disconnecting strategies by zooming on your friends s weaknesses and your friends put there walls up as protection. Your strategies are also the way you protect a mechanism that you yourself invented once when you thought you were not going to survive an intense emotional pain and no adult were there for you to tell you that you could. Your defense mechanisms are only the result of very little if not zero support while hard thoughts and scary feelings was passing through you.

These dark moments passing through that a part in me latches onto and entertains herself with that will cause her pain. The pain that became her normal and rewarded herself for taking it on. The pain that was first the one of the adults around her.

He was in a lot of pain. He couldn’t carry that pain alone. His closest had to carry some of his load. I was one of them. My daughter was the next generation of doing this too.

What to do with the pain that comes up? What to do with the dark energy when it’s looking at me straight in the eyes. Anger comes up. It feel lonely. I want someone by me. It s not possible is it. I have to do this alone. Go though my pain and darkness alone. Some would say with the help of God.

I am critical of this part in me who sees wrong in everything and everyone.

My head is closed. Clouded. Tense. I can’t think clear. It s a mess.

It hurts.

I notice the anger but it is so smoothed over and has become my normal.

The anger is alive and invisible. Present waiting for something to chew on.

She doesn’t want me around her children she thinks I m bad for them. She thinks she has to protect them from me. I thought I had to protect my child from my parents. I had to protect my child from me.

It hurts. I am in a lot of pain and the way this shows up for me is by thinking about all the people I know and noticing inside my head that none of this people like me. None of them know me. Is this hormones? Am I waking up over emotional? Unbalanced?

My body feels heavy my head clouded by a dense and very uncomfortable energy.

She, they want to punish me. Or am I punishing me seeing this in others.

Why is it that when you suffer I flourish and when you flourish I suffer? I wish to flourish with you and I don’t how that can be possible.

Punish me for hurting my daughter, for breaking her heart. I broke her heart.

I had no capacity to hold her and support her when I ran away from the nightmare I was living in London.

I know I was going to die there. Alone. I left to save my life. No one saw I was dying. Alone. Where was my brother when I was ill. Where was everyone I knew? I was alone. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. Feeling isolated around other ppl is painful. It was painful to feel that way around my daughter.

I didn’t want to suffer anymore. I left the set up for a better life for us and he didn’t want you to have that better life without him. He couldn’t say “I see what you are building here for the 3 of you. I am not going to be part of this but I will support our daughter while you build that new nest for her.”