Uncategorized

The first word that comes to mind, when I think of you today. Is a word that some parts in me have wanted for so long to exclude entirely out of my system and want nothing to do with yet some other parts in me used as a warm comfortable protective blanket. Yet this four [...]

In my IFS session yesterday I tried to connect with one of my little parts who seems stock in a certain setting. This setting was created to match the level of pain dad was in and that way he didn’t see me as a threat and that way I was safe. As I approach the [...]

Why did they not let us go with the one who loved and wanted to genuinely all heartedly care for us? Our grand parents, ants,uncles? What makes two parents to not want to protect their children from the hatred they feel inside. What makes a parent to not want to protect his children from the [...]

You are all alone, no one wants you with your dark secrets, that is a ghost in me who delivers these bitter soar messages. I hear them in my head every single time someone shows up with their imperfections or with an attempt to open their heart to me. Behind the words no one loves [...]

When mother dies he we be left alone He had it coming He never wanted us He wanted to get ride of us. She did not want us as well. Growing up not wanted leaves empty today. I still think I m unwanted. My daughter my husband ppl I know. In a way I didn’t [...]

Heavy. So heavy. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Nothing comes out, it stays inside like it always has, it is so hard to use words and describe. Describe the turmoil that weights me down to the point of paralysis. I can t move I can’t reach out to anyone I want to talk to [...]

When strong feelings come up I immediately get into thinking. My mind start chatting away to match the intensity of what I feel. It usually is about something I did wrong that I have to figure out how I can correct, then punishment has to follow. Punishment is suffering and isolation. Or something someone did [...]

Yesterday I watch the documentary on Netflix “I just killed my dad” . A lot of light bulbs turned on in my head as the story developed. One thing I notice that was really confusing and disturbing, was how drugs and alcohol becomes “the problem” or “the reason” or perhaps the excuse for abuse. Of [...]

These unspoken invisible rules in the US I am still not use to…. I find it so hard after 13 years working at including myself into a brand new culture, and language, to hear someone say. “ Hey I ll come over and help you fix the floor in your kitchen” or let s go [...]

You, all powerful, all loving. You all say. Do you even hear me when I tell you that you have completely forgotten about me and a hand full of us here on planet illusion where we forget who we truly are. You have abandoned us. Remember that day I kneeled down next to my older [...]